xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx by xXWiLLTuRNeRSMiSTReSSXx
by illogical squeeks
Summary: There are Shippers! Typos! Pairings! And, of course, Mary Sues! Jack, Will and the gang have to fight for survival in the worst fanfiction ever to blind innocent people browing the site! The epic tale is COMPLETE! w00tage!
1. Chapter 1: Somewhere New

Haha! I got you, didn't I? You thought this was some crazy troll fanfiction called xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx by my IRL best friend, xXWiLLTuRNeRSMiSTReSSXx? Wrong, wrong, wrong. This, my friends, is a story of survival of one of the worst fics on earth, which is nearly darn right impossible! Every time a crappy fiction is written, you think Jack, Will, Elizabeth and friends are just going to _go along with it_?

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Chapter 1: Somewhere New

When Jack Sparrow opened his eyes, he knew that something strange must be happening. He could feel it – it just didn't seem to... work. There was something wrong. He sat up, looking around his familiar cabin on board the _Black Pearl_ – except, it wasn't familiar. Bits of it were... missing. And then, suddenly, everything around him morphed into a dark cell, then a jungle, then Tia's shack, and then the top of the Eiffel Tower, and then into a room in an inn, all in quick succession.

"Wha'?" He asked, sitting up, and looking around.

"Scene change!" Came a jolly voice from behind him. He turned, and then cocked his head as he saw that what he was looking at was a big, fat, jolly-looking man juggling on a unicycle. He didn't know what a unicycle _was_, so it was even stranger to him.

"Erm, 'ello there." Jack said. "'o're you?" It may be a little hard to decipher what he's saying. But isn't it always? Mind you, his slurring seemed to be... somewhat worse, today.

"I am Mr Comic Relief." He said. He suddenly had an inane fit of chuckling. "I appear in fan fiction to lighten up the mood if it gets too serious or sad."

This made no sense to Jack.

"Sounds like Pintell and Ragetti." He said.

"Oh, I _am_ Pintell and Ragetti. I'm also Donald Duck, Donkey, Jar Jar Binks, Captain Haddock, Billy, Cosmo, Scuttle, Mike Wizouski, Scrat, Ron Weasley..." Mr Comic Relief went off on a load of what sounded like complete gibberish to Jack. "I'm in almost every fan fiction you know."

"...Right-oh, mate." Jack said. "But where exactly am I?"

"xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx by XxWiLLTuRNeRSMiSTReSSxX." Mr Comic Relief said, immediately. "Gee, I don't believe that _you've_ never been in a fanfiction before."

"What? What are you _talking_ about?" Jack asked, shaking his head. Then he frowned. "And why does everything keep on moving like that?" He gestured around him, at the way everything was changing, from the _Flying Dutchman_ to Tortuga to Norrington's office to some rocky outcrop on a mountain to...

"That's the Suethor constantly changing scenes as she tries to come up with a plot." Mr Comic said, as if it were obvious. Jack just looked blank. "At least she's not attempting _description_, heaven knows what _that's_ like..."

"What's a Suethor?" Captain Jack asked, glancing around uneasily, as if expecting some giant monster to pop out of nowhere. He already didn't like the sound of this Suethor thing.

"An author of Mary Sues – a Suethor." Mr Comic Relief said. He shook his head. "I reckon the rabbit's paid a visit to you."

"Eh?" Jack was having a lot of trouble comprehending what this man was saying. "Who's Mary Sue?"

"Mary Sue... ooh, you've never met her? She's everywhere. She's evil. And she is unavoidable – she is the most scary type you'll meet around here." He paused. "Apart from maybe Emo Sues. They can be quite scary too. Or Power Ranger Sues."

"...How do I tell who this Mary Sue person is?" Jack asked.

"She has a pretty, and usually quite long name. Her hair is shining, long, and striking. Her eyes are deep, open, and beautiful. She has amazing powers to do everything perfectly. Her skin is flawless. She can sing beautifully, and is also very intelligent. She possesses objects handed down through her family for generations that come in handy at random times. She has amazing fighting skills. She's perfect in every way..." Mr Comic seemed uneasy, and glanced around.

"That sounds a bit like Elizabeth." Jack said, though he wondered why he'd said it a few seconds afterwards. He didn't generally think before talking...

"But that's a Canon Sue. Canon Sues are fine." Mr Comic coughed. "Well, not really. Canon Sues tend to be ripped apart by Suethors. They are most hated. But usually, if someone says something about a Canon Sue, they will be flamed to the darkest depths of hell."

"Flamed?" Jack felt like he was doing little else then asking questions. "Alright, so how do I get back? Or p'rhaps this is a hallucination. Though there's less giant butterflies then usual. An' less singing people in green... ya know?"

Mr Comic Relief obviously didn't know.

"Flames are a good thing in places like xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx, though." He said, adjusting his bow tie. "They slow down the Suethor, shoot down some of the armies of Mary Sue, give a chance for Canons like you to escape."

"I'm not, techn'cally, a cannon..." Jack started, when suddenly the ground seemed to shake a little.

"Scene change!" Mr Comic Relief said. "You'd better be careful, Jack Sparrow, there's danger ahead! This Suethor's a vicious one, oh yes she is..."

"_Captain_ Jack..." He said out of habit. He noticed some white sparks drifting around him, before they faded a little.

"Ahh... What you said there was truly Canon." Mr Comic Relief nodded.

"I... I di'n't say cannon..." Then, suddenly, everything changed. It was all white. And then – out of nowhere – words. Words like nothing else! Streaming in front of his eyes! His head felt like it was about to explode as he became surrounded in them, giving him a headache and blotting out everything...

...teh balck perl shudrerd in the terible strom bein tossd all aruond in teh mitey c rain litenign adn tundre caem poring dwn from teh skis in monsuns teh wud of te perl shudered wif the strenth off th esea wtaer pored al over adn mnay crew members wer bein washde ovabord and teh waevs grew even biger tehn befoer lapin over the sied off teh sihp in hueg gr8 big splahses...

Suddenly the words in front of him began to burn ferociously, and he saw blazing fire searing across them until they withered into the ground. He looked around, he was on board the _Black Pearl_, and it was the middle of a terrible storm! He wondered what on earth had just happened, when he came face to face with Will...

"Will boy! Am I glad t'see you... I d'no if I'm dreaming but..." Before he could continue, Will pushed him into a cabin and closed the door, breathing heavily.

"That description nearly finished me off." He panted. "Thank god that flame came on time, or I would have been done for. It wont be long now before the Drowning Sues start showing up." He looked at Jack. "So she's written you in here too, eh?"

"What? Listen a minute... I 'ave no idea what's happening 'ere... it's very very odd..." He blinked. He felt a tingling sensation. He wasn't sure what was happening, as usual ever since he'd arrived in this god-forsaken place.

"Oh god... another scene change!" Will sighed.

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**NB:** Hellooo there. This story was created by me. Disclaimer: I do not own Pirates of the Caribbean, yada, yada. But I do own my story... Anyway. If there really is someone called xXWiLLTuRNeRSMiSTReSSXx then this was not made to insult you, though you should probably change your name, because that is a rather trolly one. And if you have written a story called xXoCeaNLoVeRoMaNCeXx then this wasn't... hey wait. This probably was made to insult you.

I don't really mean any harm though, guys! Just a little parody type thing for you all to enjoy. If you flame... well, whatever floats your boats. Ooh, pirates, boats, get it...? Oh, I am a card. Squeeks out.


	2. Chapter 2: An Old Enemy

**Chapter 2: An Old Enemy**

As they landed, Will quickly propelled them from the spot they'd just landed in, and Jack saw a pile of words make a small explosion in the place they'd just been. More description, he thought. This was most odd.

"Stay back!" A voice suddenly cried, sharply. It was male, and sounded slightly terrified. They both turned, to see no other then Cutler Beckett. Ah, they were in his office! Hence all of the random maps and bits of parchment.

Cutler looked slightly more... ruffled then usual. He was pointing a revolver right at them, and Jack was very surprised to see that he looked in a little bit of a mess. And being immaculate, he thought, had been what Beckett had been all about. But now he seemed to not care too much about his appearance.

"I thought you were dead!" Jack exclaimed.

"AU." Cutler said, saying the word as if he was talking of a mighty and fearsome God.

"Augh? What's Augh?" Jack asked, confused, yet again.

"Alternate Universe." Will whispered to Jack. "Don't make any sudden moves... Beckett's been here since chapter two. He's a man on the edge." He looked towards Beckett, and opened out his palms. "Now, Cutler." He said. "We're not here to harm you. We're Cannon. See? Will Turner and Jack Spa-"

"Captain." Interrupted Jack.

"-and _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, the most Cannon characters you can get!" He shot a look at Jack, a serious 'shut up!' look. Jack pursed his lips indignantly. _Well, I _am_ a captain!_ He thought to himself.

"Cannon doesn't matter any more. This Suethor rapes Cannon." Beckett said, though he seemed slightly more reassured.

"She does _what_?!" Jack asked, wrinkling his nose.

"Like... like Mercer. I had to chuck him out. They got him. He went all OOC." Beckett's gun was still pointed directly at Will's head, though occasionally it moved from Will to Jack and then back again. "My own bodyguard... they got him too..."

"What's oock? Wha's going on here, people?" Jack demanded.

"Listen, Beckett..." Will said, ignoring Jack's bewildered question, "We're not OOC. Can't you see? If we were OOC, we'd probably be naked and on top of each other right now." He avoided Jack's horrified expression, carefully.

"Well..." Beckett hesitated, and then lowered his gun. "Alright... I... It's been terrible here. There's no way out of this fanfiction. Usually we just have to take shelter until the plot ends, but this one doesn't even have a plot! And with constant attacks from chatspeak, Mary Sue, and terrible OOC pairings... it's been terrible... I've been trapped here for weeks, I think..." It all seemed to come out now.

"And all the tea's gone." He said, as if it was the worst thing of all.

"Can't have that, can we?" Jack muttered, resenting being ignored quite a lot.

"And not so many flamers are showing up now, as if people can't even be bothered to flame." He shook his head. "There's no hope! And also, this fiction has even gotten some... _Good reviews!_ I've had to hide in here from them in my office." He nodded towards the door. About half of the furniture in the room had been piled up in front of it.

"God." Will shot Cutler an odd look. Now that Beckett was in front of people, he was trying to calm himself, but Will could see that he was still breathing deeply, and his hand was trembling as he put down the gun.

"And that's not the worst thing..." Beckett said after a moments silence. He was talking quietly, as if the pain of remembering was too much to bear. "...I've also been subjected to the most hideous pairing of all..."

"What's that?" Will asked. Jack was now playing with a few trinkets he had found on Beckett's desk, making a china horse gallop around an ink well.

"BeckettxDavy." He said, almost a whisper.

"Good god! And did they – I mean – you had to...?" Will didn't even want to _think_ about that one...

"No. There was a lot of confusion. Jones got away. Luckily for both of us." Beckett said. "But I know that the Suethor is pretty determined to make this pairing work. Which is... ugh!"

"Anyone care to explain what in the name of cheese and crackers is going on here now?" Captain Jack asked finally, glaring at both of them.

"...What's happened with Jack?" Beckett asked, peering at him. "He of all people should know what a fanfiction is like."

"I think he got bitten by an amnesia bunny." Will said.

"What the... what's that?!" Jack asked.

"Amnesia bunnies are used quite often in fics like this one." Beckett said, adjusting his coat so that it was straighter and settling himself down on the edge of his desk, getting that usual 'looking-down-his-nose-at-you' expression. _At least he seems to be getting more canon_, Will thought. "A character gets amnesia and ends up sleeping with a bunch of people, usually. Or... nursed back to health by a Sue." He pulled a face, as if the thought was disgusting.

"...And that's a bad thing?" Jack asked. Beckett rolled his eyes.

"Jack, once you remember what it's _really_ like, then I expect you'll see sense again. But for now... trust us, right?" Will said.

There was a banging on the door.

* * *

**NB:** Aww, now you can do better then that. I'm not really the 'r&r plz!' type, but there's nothing more disappointing then coming back to a fiction with no feedback. How long could it take? Even bad feedback as long as it's helpful. Then again, perhaps you see the horrific name and think, 'TROLL ALERT." and don't even bother clicking on it. I really wouldn't blame you.


	3. Chapter 3: The Angst Fairy

**Chapter 3: The Angst Fairy**

Beckett made a noise that was alarmingly like a whimper, but then coughed and said airily, "Just ignore it. It's just Mary Sue making another attempt to come in."

"Cut-ler! Cut-ler! Come on, it's me! You're ex-wife! Come out here so I can slap you!" Came a voice from outside. Jack stared at the door, almost hypnotized by the beautiful, lyrical tones that the girl was speaking in.

"You've been married?" Jack asked, dumbly.

"Of cour- no, Jack, I haven't. This is what's called raping Canon." Beckett said, as if explaining how to operate a snack bar machine to a very young boy. "I had the same story told to me yestarday. And then I'm meant to get trapped in a room with them, we end up falling in love again, and then sleep with each other. Or I beg for her forgiveness, and then we sleep with each other. Or, or, she-"

"Gads, yeah. You wouldn't believe how many Elizabeth cousins, sisters, nieces, aunties, and whatever have been running around recently. I think they all go to some sort of union and discuss their next form of attack." Will said, straight-faced.

"Elizabeth has a sister?" Jack asked.

"_No_, Jack, she _doesn't_." Beckett snapped. "Think Canon!"

"But... what?! Think cannon? What's cannons got to do with this? Why have I been called a cannon three times in the last few minutes? And why does this Suethor monster thing rape them?!" Jack asked. Then he paused. "Actually, that sounds quite interesting to watch..."

"Shut up, Jack." Will said, irritably.

"Cut-ler! Cut-ler!! You open this door right this minute, mister, or I swear, I'll... I'll..." There was the sound of scraping against the door. "How could you do this to me, Cutler!" She suddenly wailed. "First I have a miscarriage and our poor baby dies, and then you leave me! No wonder you're such a twisted, bitter old jerk in the movies! But I can make your pain go away, Cutler! Don't you see?! I understand!"

"Beckett? That's quite harsh." Jack said, frowning.

"Oh, god." Beckett didn't even bother trying to correct Jack this time. "I hope she gets hit by a flame soon... it's hard to sleep with ten or so annoying Sues wailing outside your door that you're a good person inside and all you need is love."

"Is it true, though?" Jack asked.

"Of course not." Beckett snapped. Jack raised an eyebrow and then wandered off towards the other side of the office, looking around at various paintings, and more maps, seeming to be searching for an escape route of some sort.

"Reckon this is a safe enough place?" Will asked Beckett, turning to him.

"I guess so," However, Beckett sounded uncertain. "But nearly all of the Sues that turn up have a Key Given To Them By Their Long Lost Relative Of Some Sort That Magically Fits Whatever It Is They Need To Get In To. So my door isn't, in actual fact, locked. Only held shut by random cupboards me and Mercer pushed in front of it."

"But you said Mercer still got turned OOC. How?" Will asked, concerned.

"A Sue got in. Abseiled from the ceiling. She enticed him in two and a half seconds flat. He didn't stand a chance." Beckett fiddled with a button on his cuff, frowning contemptuously as if to say that the memory was simply an annoying fact, however he was also biting his lip.

"Did you have to shoot him?" Asked Will.

"Sort of. I aimed my gun at him, and when I fired, the Sue deflected it with her breasts and then grabbed him and used her Magical Locket Given To Her By Her Long Lost Relative Of Some Sort That Can Teleport Her In Times Of Danger and they both zapped away." He cocked his head. "God knows where they are now."

"I hate Mary Sue." Will said. "Because all of these Sues... well, they shouldn't really be plural, should they? They're all one person in different forms."

"Yes, and-" Before he could continue, there was a shout from down the office. They both leapt to their feet, and saw Jack had thrown a window open, and was now backing away from an odd little creature. Beckett swore. "Not again..." He muttered.

The creature that had come in was a pint-sized little man, except he had wings that were blue and black. He was also decidedly emo-looking, and was wearing female clothes, a tight little skirt and fishnets. He was holding up a wand, but it had a little sad face on it instead of a star. He was pretty odd looking. He flapped into the centre of the room, slowly, his hair flopping over his eyes.

"Jack, close the window before anything else gets in." Will said. Jack scrambled with the lock for a second, and then deftly banged the wooden blinds back into place. He looked at the little creature, who was now pouting at his reflection in a spoon.

"What... what is that thing?" Jack asked, not able to stop staring at the flying little man. Not only was his gear female, but also modern, which made it all the more confounding.

"I'm the Angst Fairy. Not that anyone would remember me." The Angst Fairy sighed.

"Get lost, will you? Last time you came here I couldn't stop writing crappy poems for weeks! Angst is the last thing we need right now." Beckett ordered, folding his arms, but the Angst Fairy just sighed again.

"Life is so bleak." He said. "Share in my _anguish_, man..."

As he said the word 'anguish', he pointed the wand at Jack, and fired a jet of black and blue sparks at him.

* * *

**NB:** Thank you for the reviews. I am afraid my summaries are pretty god-awful, yes. Rokhal; ermm... I'm afraid I haven't even heard of the fiction you mentioned... but I shall look it up now! Oh goody. Any ideas for better summaries then this one shall be appreciated. Thankyouplease.


	4. Chapter 4: Pep Talking

**Chapter 4: Pep Talking**

"Oh... bollocks. Amnesia _and_ angst? Poor Jack..." Will said, as Jack suddenly fell to the floor, and lay there, curled up.

"Yeah, yeah, now get lost." Beckett snapped to the Angst fairy.

"Nobody wants me. Nobody loves me. I hate this place! I wish someone would understand how I feel!" He howled, before vanishing in a poof of black smoke, which promptly turned into a cloud that began to rain all over the floor.

"It's ruining all the maps!" Beckett complained, for the sake of being Beckett.

"Gads... Jack? Hey, Jack..." Will walked up to Jack, and looked down at him. He couldn't help but pull a half-shocked, half-revolted face when Jack looked up to him with his eyes full of tears.

"It's _Captain_ Jack!" He suddenly wailed, all signs of a slur gone. "Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me? I have to tell everyone _all the time_! I can't believe that you're meant to be my closest friends, but you don't even know my name!" He flopped onto the floor again.

"_Captain Jack_." Will said, he glanced at Beckett for backup, but Beckett just shot him a 'you're-on-your-own-mate' look, shrugged, and then pretended to examine his nails. Will scowled at him, but turned back to Jack. "Come on, captain. We need you."

"I wish I were dead!" Was all the reply he got. "Like my m-m-mother. She died a horrible death, and I was only young too... Life is so cruel to me! God must hate me for some reason! And my father abused me as a child!"

"Oh, god." Will said, running his hand through his hair.

"And I don't mean just physically and mentally... I m-mean... _sexually_ as well... but I never told anyone because I d-didn't want to be laughed at! 'Cause – 'cause – I know that's all you'd do! And now I have commitment issues and I'll never have anyone to love me!"

"Hey Captain Jack, just – think happy and merry thoughts. About rainbows and sunshine and sugar and spice and everything nice... Lots of people love you Jack... repeat after me, you are wanted, you are wanted!"

"I'd laugh, if the situation wasn't so dire." Beckett commented.

"Shut up!" Snapped Will. "_You_ try making up a pep talk off the top of your head! It's _not_ as easy as it sounds!" Jack continued to wail and sob on the floor.

"Well, _really_, that's just uncalled for, why- uh oh." Beckett said the 'uh oh' in quite a different manner from the rest of the sentence. "Scene change." He said.

And then... pop! Beckett was gone. Will stared at the spot where Beckett had been. He would have been quite mad at him for vanishing off like that, except... well. He couldn't bear to imagine the sort of torture that Beckett was being put through now. BeckettxDavy was only the beginning of the terrible Beckett pairings... He suddenly thought of BecketxElizabeth with a pang, and he frowned. Any pairing involving his lovely wife apart from Willabeth made his blood boil.

"Come _on_, Captain Jack." Will said, sitting Jack up against a random chart. "You know that you're wanted. You're one of the most popular characters in the fandom! Haven't you _seen_ the posters and suchlike? You're _always_ the main one."

"R-r-really?" Jack asked, looking up at Will, his eyeliner running in rivers down his cheeks. Will took a deep breath. Despite everything, Jack was his friend, so he had to look after him while he was going through this little... phase. Will nodded.

"Now come on, before the scene changes ag- oh, bollocks... AAAAGH!"

Jack and Will found themselves falling, until Will grabbed hold of a rope and then grabbed Jack's arm with the other hand. Ouch. He roughly moved Jack's hand to the rope, and then when he was sure Jack was holding on securely, he let go of him. They were holding onto a single rope which was trailing down into an abyss so deep they couldn't see the bottom, and above them, there was a rock protruding from one of the sides, to which the rope was tied to.

"Whassappening?" Jack asked, shaking himself, and glancing around. _That sounds more like Jack_, thought Will, quite relieved that Jack appeared to be regaining himself. He sighed, and wrapped his arm around the rope, and also his legs.

"Get ready for a long wait, my friend." He said. "Because this is what's called a Crappy Cliffhanger. They happen often in fiction... you know?"

"Oh yeah, I hate those." Jack said.

...tehn hsi hnad startd 2 slip dwn the roep!!!!1!1111!!!1!!11!!!11...

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**NB:** Ho ho. This is fun to write, certainly is... I'm already a few chapters ahead. (Erm, about 15)


	5. Chapter 5: Dad Issues

**Chapter 5: Dad Issues**

"Finally, the Suethor's updated!" Will sighed with relief as they both found themselves standing safely on board the _Flying Dutchman_. "I wasn't sure I could hang onto that god-awful cliffy for much longer. All those number ones..."

"I thought even the Suethor didn't want me..." Jack sniffed and dragged a sleeve over his eyes. The effects of the Angst Fairy took a while to wear off. "I mean. Yeah. Thank god."

"Don't worry, I've been hit by that little bastard quite a few times." Will said. "The Angst Fairy – ugh, I hate him! No need to be embarrassed." He said cheerfully, handing Jack a handkerchief.

"B-but he singled me out! So unfair..." Jack burbled. "Ack!"

"You think _you_ have it bad?!" Will asked. "Think about those awful sex scenes that the Suethor is so intent on... if you can still remember them. Has the amnesia bunny bite worn off yet?" He asked.

"I don't think so." Jack hiccupped. "Everything's all foggy."

"What's that sound?!" Will sat bolt upright, and then crept over to a trap door, that led down into below the decks of the Flying Dutchman. "It sounds like... dad!" He stared down into the gloom, his eyes wide. Jack peered over his shoulder. Bootstrap appeared to have locked himself into a cage; and no wonder! There was a mass of Sues crowding around him, all of them fighting for his attention.

"Bootstrap! Bootstrap! It's me, your long lost fiancé, the mother of your child! I'm pregnant again! Bootstrap!"

"Bill, oh Bill! I've spent so long looking for you!"

"Bill, where is your son? You betrothed me to him only last week, and now I have come of age it's time for us to commit! Bill?"

"Bootstrap, look over here! It's me again!"

"Bootstrap!"

"Bill!"

"We've got to save him!" Will said, staring down in horror as the Sues all crowded around the cage, and Bootstrap stepped further back into the cage, staring at them all, opening his mouth but not making any sound. Jack was too busy staring at their beautifully sculpted faces, their perfect bodies, with (here comes a cliché) curves in all the right places, and... oh, they were so beautiful!

"_Snap out of it Jack!_" Will roared into his ear, and Jack shook himself, tearing his gaze away from them all. He risked a look back, and all he saw was a bunch of crazed fangirls attacking the front of Bootstraps cage. He opened his mouth to suggest an idea to help Bill, and then-

"Don't shout at me! Everyone shouts at me! I hate it! Life's not fair!" He yowled, tears stinging at his eyes again. Hastily, he blinked a few times. "Sorry, chum." He said in his best Beckett-accent. "Really must stop that happening."

"Yeah, yeah... come on, think!" Will said.

"Well, take a look at this here cannon." Will looked at him. "No, it's an actual cannon this time, William my boy." Jack dragged it from the side. "Roll this down the stairs, and squash that Mary Sue mob flat! Good, eh?" He said. Will looked like he was about to protest, but he glanced down at his fathers terrified expression, and then nodded, and grabbed hold of the cannon.

"Ugh! This is heavy!" Will cried. Suddenly he grabbed his head. "Description!" He shouted wildly. Jack flailed his arms, trying to get away, but soon his eyes, mouth, nose and ears were filled with...

...hre beutiful face caem closre 2 bills surly he cood reconise hsi own lovre, no outher tehn mariko joanna etsuko iseul africa magnolia braidy twinkletoes starpuff jellysmile snowfeather dazzleglow silvermoon sugarbud sparklegleam sparklebeam naamah clearkiss joodythe la'ronda shakeeya deteeffa joodythe la'ronda shakeeya deteeffa la'keyshah lahkeeya joteeffa jokiya jellyglow suspiria morgana glittermoon...

"Ack! What was _that_?!" Jack cried, as he managed to escape from the terrible description at last. He turned to Will, who had just opened his eyes, obviously only just able to block out the disgusting thing too.

"That was one of the Sues' names." He said. "Probably... about a quarter of it before we managed to get out."

"...Woah." Jack said. "That's cruel of parents... giving names like that to their children... it only makes them feel more outcasted and friendless then they already are in an outcasting and friendlessing world..." He tried to squash the now familiar feeling of angst filling him up.

"They name themselves that." Will said flatly. "Anyway... cannon!" He grabbed a hold of one end, and Jack was about to grab onto the other end when suddenly a girl came flying out of the sky and landed smack bang on Will. They both crumpled into a heap on the floor.

"...Will?" Asked Jack.

"Ooooh, I'm _so_ sorry." Giggled the girl who had landed on Will. She was dressed in modern gear, jeans and a t-shirt, and was very pretty, and also petite. "I don't know _what_ happened; one moment I'm just walking along, and now I'm here!"

"Get off me!" Will shouted, pushing her off of him and leaping away from her like she was infected with some terrible disease. She wrapped her arms around Will's torso. He tried to push her off, and there was a struggle, and somehow half of the girls clothing mysteriously fell off.

Jack was too busy staring at the sky to notice. _If Will gets a girl quite literally falling for him, then surely I'm worth at least six?_ He thought to himself.

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**NB:** ...update goes here.


	6. Chapter 6: Raining Fangirls

**Chapter 6: Raining Fangirls **

Will eventually freed himself from the girl, and leapt backwards, making the sign of the cross with his fingers. She carried on coming towards him, regardless, her hands in front of her, ready to rip off shirts, and other items of clothing too...

"Jack, help me!" Will shouted, turning and making a run for it around some coiled ropes. Jack sighed.

"Will, I know I'm here to teach you stuff and all, and I am _much_ more experienced in these matters, but picking up a ladyfriend really isn't-" Before he could finish, the girl turned her eyes on him. And he couldn't talk any more. Her eyes were shiny with greed, and there was an oddly blank look on her face too. She took a step towards him, and he found himself stepping away.

"Mmm, Captain Jack." She said. "Three of us together."

"...Nah, missus, I'm not really that sorta bloke, ya know? I think I'll just, uh, come over this way a bit an'... eek!" The last bit was unintentional. He ran as she made a dive for him. "Will! Who is this woman!?" He shouted across to Will.

"She's another warped-from-the-future fangirl!" Will yelled back. "For selfinsert Suethors who can't even be arsed to create a Sue of themselves, they just send a prettier, skinner version 'back in time' and sleep with everyone! Be careful!" It wasn't very much like Jack to turn down someone who wanted his attention _that way_, but, well... there was just something scary about this lady.

"I don't know wha' you're on about, but I'll run anyway!" Jack replied, and then made a run for it across the deck of the _Dutchman_, with the warped-from-the-future fangirl hot on his heels.

Just then, Will heard a cry from below decks. His father!

"Hey, here's my Key Given To Me By My Long Lost Relative Of Some Sort That Magically Fits Whatever It Is I Need To Get In To! Let's bust this lock open!" Came a shrill female voice. The other Sues all roared.

"No, _my_ Key Given To Me By My Long Lost Relative Of Some Sort That Magically Fits Whatever It Is I Need To Get In To will fit! It was given to me just for this moment!"

"You two shut up! My Key Given To Me By My Long Lost Relative Of Some Sort That Magically Fits Whatever It Is I Need To Get In To will fit, you'll see!" There was some sort of scrum going on down there! He quickly grabbed the cannon and started to heave it even faster.

"Come on Will, come _on_..." He said to himself through gritted teeth.

-----------

Jack dashed across the slippery deck of the _Dutchman_ wildly, skirting around masts, cabins, and all sorts. _I thought the Dutchman became un-slimy when Will took over it?!_ He thought, as he slid yet again in a huge pile of goo. He couldn't even risk turning around – not only would it waste time, but he knew that if he saw that scary, blank, zombie-face staring at him, he'd probably drop dead.

"Oof!" He hit the edge of the _Dutchman_, and nearly went flying overboard into the sea. Like a panicked rabbit he looked left and right, wondering which direction to flee in, when he heard a blood-chilling cry from his pursuer.

"You're mine now, Jack! I just happened to bring some whipped cream, body oil, and a box of fun-sized mars bars from the future! You're _miiine!_" She took a flying leap, and Jack hit the deck, throwing himself under her, the only direction left. He slid across the slimy deck until he was past her, and the girl turned mid-air, looking confused, before toppling into the sea with a cry.

"Why does it always happen to _me?_" Jack whimpered, feeling the angst well up again. He quickly beat it down, and then dashed to the edge of the _Dutchman_, leaning against the railings and looking down into the ocean. If you are about to say, 'Since when did the _Dutchman_ have railings?' then... shut up.

"Help! Help me Jack!" She cried, as the waves lapped around her viciously. She was being dragged away from the _Dutchman_, but her cries could still be heard over the crashing ocean and the wind. "Jack! _Jack!_"

Jack was torn. If Will had been there, Will would have drummed it into his head that this girl was _not real_, just one of the many puppets used by Mary Sue. However, to Jack, it seemed ever so real. And, well, could he really blame her for being so attracted to him that she chased him all over the _Dutchman_? If he'd been female, he'd probably be same. Except he wouldn't exist.

But this was no time for such philosophical thoughts! He'd better throw a rope in. He knew when to be cruel, and this was not one of those times. This was a drowning girl for Christ's sake! And one who had fallen in love with him, no less.

He ran to get a rope...

* * *

**NB:** Is this fiction K+ yet? Hmmm. Thank you very much for reviews, I appreciate them all. Rokhal; aww, old Bootstrap isn't that bad... Heh. Oh well, every character gets their fangirls, no matter what they're like.


	7. Chapter 7: Shameless Plugging Time!

**Chapter 7: Shameless Plugging Time!**

Will heaved, he was nearly at the trap door now – he could hear a right old bitch fight going on down there. And he thought all Mary Sues were meant to be so nice that they'd never hurt a fly and they'd be loved forever by everyone always. Though maybe these were Angsty Sues? They weren't like that at _all_.

BANG! Out of nowhere, something whacked him on the head hard, and then rolled across the floor. Will rubbed his head, and looked down at what had hit him, and paled. It was a round piece of rubber with a metal chain coming out of it.

"Damn those shameless plugs." He muttered, rubbing his head, and continuing to heave the cannon, though being careful not to get too near to the plug. He knew the damage they could do to perfectly good fanfiction. (hay spekin of plz r&r my outher story its cald a long way frmo home its wel gud) He shook his head and carried on pulling his cannon.

It was taking forever. Where the hell was Jack?!

-----------

Jack helped the girl back on board, though he was regretting it slightly now. She hadn't let go of his arm since.

"Oh, thank you Jack." She simpered. "I knew you'd save me."

"...Yes." Jack said. "Look, I need to go and help my good friend Will, do you mind just running along to wherever you were going in the first place now?"

"Oh, but... I have news!" She suddenly declared. She ploughed on, as Jack began to edge away. "My name is Wilhelmina – well, there are twenty two middle names, so I'll tell you them later – Turner, and I am Will's great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great..."

Jack ran.

-----------

Will grunted as he heaved the cannon again, and then he heard footsteps. He froze, anticipating a Sue, but he saw Jack, and smiled. Jack did his usual staggering, almost dance-like walk towards him, and suddenly swore loudly. Will wondered if he'd been stung by a Some Sort Of Minor Disability Bee, and picked up Tourettes...

"What the hell is this?" Jack asked, and Will looked down, and groaned. The chain of the shameless plug was now wrapped around his leg, and getting tighter.

"You just walked into a shameless plug." Will said. "They're pretty deadly."

"Great." Jack muttered. He hopped up to the cannon and started pushing. Soon, the cannon was at the top of the stairs leading down towards the Sues. They were all too busy trying to jam various elegant keys into the lock to notice them.

"DIE, MARY SUE SCUM!" Jack shouted, and they shoved the cannon with all of their might. It began rolling, when Will suddenly got an odd sensation. There are lots of these in the fanfiction world. And this one meant only one thing... Backspace! He thought. _We'd better hurry up and_

"DIE, MARY SUE SCUM!" Jack shouted, and they shoved the cannon with all of their might. It began rolling, when Will suddenly got an odd sensation. There are lots of these in the fanfiction world. And this one meant only one thing... Backspace! He thought. _We'd better hurry up and_

"DIE, MARY SUE SCUM!" Jack shouted, and they shoved the cannon with all of their might. It began rolling, when Will suddenly got an odd sensation. There are lots of these in the fanfiction world. And this one meant only one thing... Backspace! He thought. _We'd better hurry up and_

"DIE, MARY SUE SCUM!" Jack shouted, and they shoved the cannon with all of their might. It began rolling, when Will suddenly got an odd sensation. There are lots of these in the fanfiction world. And this one meant only one thing... Backspace! He thought. _We'd better hurry up and_

"What just happened?" Jack asked, after a pause.

"The Suethor hit backspace." Will said. "But she's given up now. But just be careful... this Suethor is a sly one."

The cannon rocketed down the stairs, and smashed into the Mary Sues, scattering them. Jack saw the ones that were crushed suddenly pop like bubbles, and vanish. This was most of them, seeing as the cannon had hit right in the centre of the group. Two or three remaining Sues began swarming up the stairs.

"Run, son!!" Bootstrap hollered.

They didn't need telling twice.

* * *

**NB:** I have worked out the intricate workings of the reply button! So from now on, I shall actually reply to my reviews instead of saying my thanks from here. I don't know why I didn't spot them until now... er, oh well! I can't believe I've gotten more reviews for this fiction then for my other fiction in much less chapters. But still, one of these days I'll write one of thos fanfics that get about ninety reviews by chapter three... you know the ones?

Anyway. As it is Shameless Plugging Time, for this chapter only, you can feel free to plug your stories via reviews. Go ahead. Knock yourselves out. Ta ta for now.


	8. Chapter 8: When Sues Attack

**Chapter 8: When Sues Attack **

Jack was running with a limp now, and Will noticed it.

"Will! This shameless plug is digging right in! How do I get rid of it?" He gasped, as he hobbled around a corner and they continued to flee from the Sues.

"Er, well... it only goes when some idiot clicks on the link to the other story. I don't know if that's about to happen." Will said. "Mind you, an awful lot of trolls tend to enjoy going through crap fiction."

"_Trolls?_" Jack asked, wildly. Will just laughed.

"You have a lot to learn... ohh... _shitaki mushrooms_!" He stopped short as he came across the warped-from-the-future fangirl that had been chasing Jack earlier, adding a little bit onto the end of his word to stop this fan-fiction from straying into a T. She didn't notice them, she was too busy reciting, and counting on her fingers.

"...great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great..."

"I thought you got rid of her?" Hissed Will.

"It's a working progress." Jack replied, wincing as the shameless plug dug in deeper. "Look, mate, I'm not going to be able to do much more running on this leg... It's, eh, kind of painful. Actually, I don't think I have any blood going into my-"

"Alright, alright, quit complaining." Will said. He regretted it as Jack's eyes began to fill with tears. "Oh no... stupid, _stupid_ Angst Fairy!"

"I'm just fine." Jack snapped, and then he just stared as three naked Sues came running around the corner. As the cannon shot past them, it had somehow ripped all of their clothes off? Jeesh, are these people desperate or something?!

"Are we going to die, Will?" Jack whispered.

"No. Worse." Will said, grimly. The blank-faced Sues all began approaching them, arms outstretched, one of them was carrying a horsewhip and some shackles. Jack shuddered. He wasn't really the type to turn down offers such as these, but, but, well – there was just the terrible feeling that something would go horribly wrong if he allowed himself to succumb to the powers of the Sue.

"...great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great..."

"Will, do something!" Jack hissed, as he bent over forwards with pain as the shameless plug tightened a tiny bit more. "Ouch..."

The Sues advanced. Will was next to a rowing boat for transportation to land. Thinking quickly, he grabbed an oar off of the top of the boat and swung it towards the nearest Sue, who was sent plunging down into the ocean, unprepared. The other two looked blankly at the space that the other Sue had been in, and then continued coming forwards.

"Stay back, or get ready for immense pain!" Will said, threateningly.

"Ooh, so you're _that_ kind of guy, huh?" The nearest Sue batted her eyelashes at him. "Come on, Will, what do you think the _whip_ is for? If you like that kind of thing, then I guess a _spanking_ is in order..." Will visibly shuddered, and went for her with the oar. She magically deflected it with her bare fists.

"Stupid Mary Sues." Will muttered.

"Oh, but my name's not Mary Sue." The other Sue piped up. "Do you want to hear it?" Will was about to ask her if she wanted to take a long walk on a short pier, when Jack suddenly stepped – well, hopped – forwards.

"Yes, we'd like that vair much." Jack said. Will shot him a _what are you thinking!_ look, but Jack just smiled.

"Well it's got thirty-eight words in it..." Began the second Sue.

"Mine's got forty-three!" The other one said triumphantly.

"Well, I didn't count my eleven-barrelled last name." Sue two said.

"Nor did I!" The first Sue shot. Soon they were bickering, and comparing names like nobody's business.

"...great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great..."

"Get them while they're arguing!" Jack hissed at Will. Will nodded. There was only one thing that Mary Sues didn't get along with – and that was other Mary Sues! They bickered like anything. Because Elizabeth was so close to being a Canon Sue, she got picked on quite a lot by the Sues.

Will battered them with the oars, and sent them screaming overboard, still shouting out their ridiculous names.

"...Barbara Hannah Sugarpuff Power Rangers Ninja Storm Magic Unicornbreath Loveland Sinatra..." SPLASH.

* * *

**NB:** Hmmm. A relatively short, and tame chapter. You know what, I think I might add the next chapter in just a few hours or something. It's just showing you how to defeat a bunch of Mary-Sues if you come across some by accident. But most of you should already know to keep as far from them as possible.

Thanks for reviews. It makes me feel full of pizzazz and ultraviolet mightiness whenever I get one... So love for you. Toodle pip.


	9. Chapter 9: The Biggest Plug of All

**Chapter 9: The Biggest Plug of All **

"And good riddance." Jack said, sighing. "Now can you help get this plug off of me?"

"Well, someone needs to click the link." Will said.

"Click the link then!" Jack snapped.

"Well, _I_ can't do it!" Will said.

"But you're a blacksmith!"

"It's not... really... the sort of link we can see. It's on a page somewhere. And one of the poor people reading that awful fanfic have to click on it. And when they do, the shameless plug would have worked, so it'll stop killing the fic. But most Suethors only send more plugs down." Will sighed.

"...That doesn't make that much sense." Jack said. "But, well, what can I do in the meantime?"

"We're going to have to appeal to our readers." Will said. He turned towards the sky. "Anyone reading this?!" He shouted. "There's a link, it says..." He squinted at the shameless plug, though he was careful not to get too close. "It says (Hey, this thing doesn't allow links! Well, insert Will saying an address here... sigh, there goes a perfectly good plugging oppertunity, heh.) - click on it. Come on, people." He said. "Do it for Jack!"

Yeah, people, do it for Jack.

"Aargh! Watch out, Will!" Will looked up, and then quickly sidestepped as a massive, at least ten-foot-tall plug fell from the sky and smacked into the ground where he'd been standing, the chain coming down after it and smacking into the damp wood.

"Damn! I just created one of the biggest plugs possible!" Will smacked his own forehead. "I'm so stupid!"

"...great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great..."

"Mama!" The little shameless plug suddenly leapt off of Jack's leg, and hopped up to the big plug, which gave it a hug with it's chain. Jack's eyes nearly fell out of his head, but he decided that this plotline was so messed up, it actually made perfect sense.

"Let's go see if dad's ok." Will said, suddenly remembering Bootstrap.

"Alright... let's..."

"...great, great, great, great, great, great granddaughter!" The warped-from-the-future Sue suddenly stopped, and smiled, like a dog that had just performed a very hard trick. She grinned at Will. "Hi there, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great... um, etcetera, grandfather!"

"...grandfather?! But I don't even have a _kid_!" Will exclaimed.

"I'm from the future." She said. Jack wanted to shove her into the nearest small, stinky place, but Will went all misty-eyed.

"You mean... Elizabeth g-got pregnant?" He asked. Jack smacked him on the shoulder.

"Hey, Willy-boy! Wake up! She's not real, remember?! She's a Sue!" Will seemed to snap out of it. He glared at the Sue in front of him, and Jack turned to her too. "Get lost, Sue! Or I shall smite thee!" He took Will's oar off of him and waved it in the girls' face.

She seemed undeterred. In fact... she stepped towards him.

"That fun size pack of mars bars is still on offer, cupcake." She said breathily. It was all Jack could do to not scream out loud. What _was_ a mars bar anyhow? He stepped back. She stepped forwards. He went back two paces. She came forwards three.

"Will? A little help?" He asked.

"I... don't really want to get too close..." Will said, cautiously.

"Oh, gee, thanks!" Jack snapped. He didn't really like beating up girlies – all the same, this one was freaking him out now. And then, suddenly... There was a roar and a crackle, and with a crash, the girl was on fire... She gasped.

"I'm burning! I'm _burning_! Help! Help me Jack! I'm burning... melting... _meeeltingg!_" She cried, before turning into nothing but a pile of ash.

"Yes! She got flamed!" Will cheered. Jack stared at the pile of ash, the oar going limp in his hands. It had seemed like a pretty awful way to die. Then Will came up to him. "She's not dead, Jack." Will said. "She's not _real_."

"Yeah, yeah..." Jack said, shaking himself. "Come on, let's go see old Bootstrap."

* * *

**NB: **Aaack! It doesn't allow links! Well thaaaank you for ruining the storyline, pfft. Well, the link used to be a link to my other fiction, which, you know, accidentally strayed into this story. Ho hum. Thank you to my hoards of screaming fans... heh, heh. I'm glad you are enjoying this fiction, it's as fun to write as it (hopefully) is to read... I liked doing my next chapter a lot.

Because writing Beckett is sooo much fun... (/bigspoiler)


	10. Chapter 10: An Old Enemy Again

**Chapter 10: An Old Enemy... Again **

They pattered down the stairs and came face to face with Bootstrap, who had let himself out of the cage with one of the keys that the Sues had dropped as they were crushed by the cannon. Will and Bootstrap grinned at each other.

"William! I thought I'd never see you again!" Bootstrap said. "This fanfiction... it's _awful_... and there's no way out... no way out at all!"

"There must be." Will reasoned.

"Tia'll know." Jack suddenly said. "Tia Dalma. If there's a way out, then _she_ will know it. I know she'll know it."

"But... where could _she_ be?" Bootstrap asked. "She could be anywhere, in every single pairing apart from TiaxDavy, probably, which is the only one that actually _works_, dammit!"

"Oh god... you're right, it's hopeless!" Jack cried, sliding to the floor.

"He got hit by an Angst Fairy." Will hissed to his father. Bootstrap pulled a sympathetic face. "But I think he's right, Tia Dalma, she'll know."

"But how will we...?" Before Bootstrap could continue, they all got a familiar feeling. Well... not all of them... Jack blinked, and then Bootstrap and Will were gone. He folded his arms and kicked over a nearby crate, frowning.

----------

Will and Bootstrap were sent spinning through the weird world of xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx, flitting from scene to scene, some of which were disturbing, some of which were boring, but all of which had terrible description and no plot whatsoever. Then – smack! They landed somewhere dark. They squinted, trying to get used to the darkness.

"Hey, we're in that cave! You know, the one in COTBP, where the cursed crew take Elizabeth to put her blood on their Aztec gold." Will said.

"Oh... yeah." Bootstrap said. He stood up, only to be knocked down by someone running past in the opposite direction, and they were both sent sprawling across the rocky ground. Will looked through the darkness.

"Beckett?! Why did you leave me with an angsting Jack earlier?" Will demanded.

"Oh I'm fine thanks Will, yes I'm glad to see you too, I hope you're well, oh good, yes I know it's terrible being stuck in this fanfiction, but you're right, team work will get us through this." Beckett said, more then a tiny hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Are you... talking to yourself?" Will asked, cautiously.

"No, Will," Beckett sighed, "I'm just thinking of a conversation that should have been taking place right now, if only you were a little more courteous."

"Shut up." Will said. "What's happening?"

"There's a bloodbath going on in there," Beckett said, a little nervously, nodding towards the way he'd been running form – Will could see the glint of gold even from here. "Sues – hundreds of them! And they have... well, never mind, can we get out of here?" Beckett looked a little edgy as he finished his sentence.

"They have what?" Will insisted, glaring at Beckett.

"Um... well nothing really... just, you know... emfflffen..." He mumbled something at the end, and then snapped, "Now let's go!"

"They have _what_?" Will was getting a little annoyed now. Then he heard a voice screaming, a scream that he recognized. He turned towards the sound. "Elizabeth!"

"We've got to go save her." Bill said, who'd been quiet until now. He wasn't much of a talkative type, plus he may have still been in shock from all of those Sues cornering him in that cage.

"No we don't!" Beckett leapt to his feet, and dusted himself down. "I'm out of here! Let's go!"

"You weren't going to tell me!" Will glared at Beckett, for about the fifth time in the last few minutes. "You were going to let the Sues get her! You filthy, unfeeling, double-crossing, snotty-!"

"There are hundreds of Sues in there!" Beckett exclaimed. "And also – the pairings – the _pairings_! I can't stay here! We're so deep into the fiction now that hardly any flames can penetrate! Canon-Sue-bashing is one of the cores of all Suethor fiction! And anyway... I never really liked Elizabeth that much."

"Bastard. How can you _not_ like her?" Will asked, waving his arms. "And... she _isn't_ a Canon-Sue, okay?! Now shut up and tell me which way to go!"

"I _can't_ shut up _and_ tell you which way to go." Beckett said through gritted teeth. He did _not_ like being shouted at. Will looked like he was about to either scream, or rip off Beckett's head, or possibly both, so he continued anyway. "Just go down there and take a left. It's your life." He muttered resentfully.

"_Thank_ you." Will snapped, and then bounded off. Bootstrap looked from Beckett to Will, and then followed close behind. Beckett continued to brush dust from his coat, taking quite a while. He listened a bit. Then, his curiosity getting the better of him at last, he crept through the cave, popping his head around the corner.

Oops...

* * *

**NB: **Hooray! 20+ reviews! I'm famous... er... ish. I'm glad that people find my story funny... that's what it's here for! Don't you worry, Davy Jones isn't going to be left out of this, but he'll be coming in much later... Ho ho. Elizabashing; there's always one character in a fandom that's constantly getting bashed...


	11. Chapter 11: In Need of Rescue

**Chapter 11: In Need of Rescue **

Jack yawned and stood up, looking around himself. Well, now what could he do? He was left behind... _No, bad angst, stay down! Down, angst, down!_ He thought, as a now common feeling to him began to creep through him, tightening his chest. He glanced around himself. He wasn't in any immediate danger, and nobody was nagging him to do anything, and in these times he did three things; sleep, drink rum, or eat.

"Hey there... what's up?" A voice suddenly called to him. He jerked around quickly. The voice didn't _sound_ Sueish, but, well... you couldn't really trust anything these days, could you? He looked skywards.

"Uh... what?" He asked. He looked for the source of the voice, and saw that there was a ship bobbing along next to the _Dutchman_. It was smaller, and it was also white, and made out of some sort of metal. Jack was a little confused, but walked over to the edge of the _Dutchman_ to see the ship anyway.

The girl on the ship looked like she was in her mid-teens. She was not a Mary Sue – she was just average looking, not ugly, not really a sex bomb either. She was wearing a jumper, even though it was quite hot, and some jeans, and she was also rather chubby. Jack smiled, glad to see someone not quite insane.

"Don't worry... Are you the captain of that ship?" She asked. "My name's Abby."

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow." He said proudly. "But this isn't my vessel. Mine isn't so slimy and ugly." She laughed.

"I'm off to..." She suddenly opened up a big, shining book, flipped through it, and then slammed it shut, letting it vanish into thin air. "...Tortuga! Want to come with?"

"Come with what? Oh, go to Tortuga?" Jack thought for a minute. "Ye-es... I guess... But I'm more thinking towards this place called... Wait, what's it called? Tia's Shack, I guess..."

"Tiashack?" The girl grabbed the book out of thin air again. Jack squinted. On the front, it had a... picture of him! And what did it say? _Disney Pirates of the Caribbean, the Complete Visual Guide_? "Ohh... Tia Dalma's shack! That's by the mouth of Pantano River." She recited from the book. Then she slammed it shut and it vanished again. Jack was getting a little crept out, but he nodded.

"First, though, I need to pick up some friends..." He mused.

"And where are they? And _who_ are they?" She asked, keenly.

"Umm... I have no idea where they are. But I need to find Will..." He supposed Will had helped him in these troubled times. "...Maybe Beckett, though he's not really that important..." Beckett would kill him if he found out he'd said that. "Bootstrap too, he's a pal, and..." He scratched his chin. "Elizabeth, if she's here, and..."

"Ooh! Yes!" The girl suddenly jumped up and down. "Let's go find them!"

"But I don't know where they-"

"Then we just have to _look_, silly!" She squealed, and then she pulled him into the motorboat, dived into the drivers seat, turned on the ignition, and they shot away. Jack held onto his hat, thinking about how on earth this ship was managing to go so fast, and vaguely wondering if there was any rum on board...

He didn't see the name; _HMS Sparrabeth II_...

----------

"Let Elizabeth go!" Will shouted, and all of the Sues spun around in unison, staring at him, and lots of them started smoothing down their hair. Elizabeth was clinging to a rope on the roof of the cage, and most of the Sues were holding various clubs and swords, which they'd been swinging at her, Piñata stylee.

"It's... Will Turner!" A Sue shouted, quite unnecessarily.

"Will! Be careful! They're insane!" Elizabeth screamed, trying to scramble further up the rope. Will turned to his father.

"Eeeh... what shall we do, dad, what shall we do?!" He asked.

"Alright... we need some sort of plan. And we need it right now." Bootstrap said. Will didn't look too comforted. "That will do two things – a) Disarm or destroy the Sues, and b) Get Elizabeth to us." Pause. "Any ideas on that one?"

"No..." Will said. "Plus, during that long dialogue, they came even closer!"

"It was actually a monologue." Said a voice that made Will instantly want to kill something. He turned around quickly.

"Beckett! I thought you left!" He complained. "Why can't you just do what you say you will and make people happy instead of letting everyone down by constantly showing up and-"

"Alright, alright," Beckett snapped. "I just thought you might need my help. But fine, if you think you know better, then that's just fine. I'll just..." His voice trailed off when he saw that the exit was blocked off by Sues now. "Great." He muttered.

"Yeah... do you two mind just stopping for a second?" Bill asked. They both mumbled apologies. Then the Sues started coming closer...

----------

"How do you know where to start searching for Lizzy, though?" Jack asked. "She could be absolutely anywhere."

"I have an Elizabeth Swann tracker on my shipping ship." She said with a wide grin, pointing to a radar. Jack looked at it interestedly. He had no idea what it was, of course, but still, it was interesting.

"So that blob in the middle is Elizabeth?" He asked.

"No, that's you. Because you're with me." She said. "You're on the radar too." She pressed a few buttons and pulled the throttle back. "But what we need to find right now is... Elizabeth!"

"You know, I'd much rather find Will-" Jack started helplessly.

"Hold onto your seat! This is going to be a rough one!" Abby cried, and then they shot up a rocky outcrop and were sent flying through the air and through a dip... Whatever Jack was about to remark was shoved back down his throat.

* * *

**NB: **Dum dum dummm...! Alright, maybe it's not _that_ exciting. Still.


	12. Chapter 12: Pairings from Hell

**Chapter 12: When Pairings Attack **

Bootstrap, Beckett, Will, and most of the Sues threw themselves to the side as a motorboat burst into the cave from nowhere, scattering most things all over the place.

"This plot twist is crap!" Will shouted over the din.

"I know, it just gets worse and worse..." Bootstrap shook his head.

"Watch out! Pairings!" Beckett squeaked in a surprisingly high-pitched voice, before making a break for it. Will and Bootstrap followed suit; pairings were _not_ nice, well, non-canon pairings anyway. Canon pairings were docile, and could be very good for you. However, the other ones... No.

"Get them, pairings!" Shouted a Sue. "BeckettxElizabeth for ever!"

"Oh god..." Beckett and Will said, at around the same time. Out of the darkness of the top of the cave, huge, hulking creatures came to life. Massive, red bats covered in hearts with BeckettxElizabeth written across their stomachs and foreheads came plummeting down from the ceiling, opening their mouths, which were full of venomous fangs, full of the OOC poison that would make the pairing work.

Meanwhile, the motor boat shot past Elizabeth, and she jumped on board, landing next to Jack in the back seat.

"Hi Elizabeth!" Jack said cheerfully.

"Go save Will! Go save him _now_!" Elizabeth shrieked, as the bats swooped down towards the three men on the ground, with Sues running around in absolute chaos around them.

"You heard the lady, time to save Will!" Jack said.

"I'm afraid not..." Abby said, as the ship crashed into the stone floor.

"Oh, then we'd better get out and see if there's anything we can do." Jack squinted. "Say, Elizabeth, those bats have your names on them." Smelling her scent, a few started coming towards them, flapping their monstrous wings.

"_No!_" Screamed Abby, putting her foot down, "Death to BeckettxElizabeth! _Death!_" The boat, which also appeared to have wheels, began to reverse at high speed out of the cave. "_Sparrabeth lives!_"

"What're you doing?! What about Will?!" Elizabeth cried, reaching out towards Will, who was running towards the ship, but getting further and further away. The seatbelts suddenly tightened around Elizabeth and Jack, holding them down. Instinctively, they began to struggle.

"Jack! Elizabeth!" Will shouted over the din. "Watch out, she's a shipper! Get out before – agh!" A Sue ran into him, and quickly grabbed his arms, flipped him over and pinned him to the floor.

"WillxOC! WillxOC! Where are you?!" She shouted out. There was a rumble from above.

"WillxOC!" Gasped Elizabeth. "The biggest pairing there is!"

Bootstrap kicked the Sue in the head, and pulled Will to his feet. They looked around as Sues began to surround them. The WillxOC pairing gave a long and loud cry, and then shot down from the ceiling towards them. They dived in opposite directions, and Bootstrap was grabbed by a Sue.

"BootstrapxOC needed!" She held Bootstrap as he tried to struggle. "I AM WILLS MOTHER!"

"Goodness, this is absolute chaos!" Beckett said to himself, as he ran across the cave, with about twenty humongous BeckettxElizabeth bats hot on his heels. "I'd scream but my credibility would be ruined for ever!"

"BeckettxElizabeth?!" Elizabeth cried. "That's disgusting! Also, he killed my father! As if I'd..."

"Apparently, there's this thing called Augh, and it makes anything possible." Jack stroked his chin. "I could do with some of this Augh stuff..." Elizabeth was too confused to say anything as the ship roared down the very last stretch of cave, they could see light at the end, soon they'd be out! However, four BeckettxElizabeth pairings were soaring after them.

"They're not going to ruin this match made in heaven!" Abby said through gritted teeth, turning the wheel this way and that, avoiding huge chunks of rock that seemed to be everywhere. Jack stared at the controls, perplexed by them again.

"Jack!" Elizabeth gasped. "Will said this is a _shipper_! We've got to escape!"

"What's a shipper?" Jack asked. "Actually, I don't want to know."

"That moron Beckett had better not be caught." Elizabeth hissed. "If _he_ gets bitten by a pairing, it wont wear off for _weeks_! And I do _not_ want this pairing to even halfway work, no way..."

"Goodness," Jack said, adjusting his hat, as the boat burst out of the cave.

----------

"Somebody help me!" Beckett was running furiously, one hand holding onto his wig, the other stretched out for balance, his legs pumping furiously as if they belonged to a cartoon character, splashing through some shallow water that had gathered at the back of the cave, a swarm of bats screeching after him. "This is not the sort of thing I was made for!" He was running out of breath, he had a stitch... Gah! It had been better in his office...

"Can't right now..." Panted Will, dodging another attack from the giant WillxOC. "Bugger off, will you?!" He shouted at the pairing. It cocked its head at him, then dived for him. He ran for it, bumped against the side of the cave, and then fell into a sort of crack in the wall, only just wide enough for him.

The pairing smacked into the wall, and it's sharp claws scraped at the opening, as if trying to open it further so it could come in and rip him to pieces. Then it opened its mouth, and spoke in an odd, alien-like voice.

"Will... Will and... OC! Will and OC! For... ever!" It screeched. It seemed to be the only thing it could say.

* * *

**NB: **Heh. And thus, the pairings enter the game... The image of Beckett running like a nutcase from a huge cloud of giant red bats covered in hearts is certainly an odd one, but still... it's all for fun. 


	13. Chapter 13: Bootstrap for Marlene

**Chapter 13: Marlene For Bill For Ever **

"S-stay back!" Bootstrap stuttered, staring as the Sues and Shippers approached. He was backed up against a wall. There was no escape. He bit his lip as one of the Shippers brought forth a pairing on a leash. On it's stomach was BootstrapxMarlene. "Who... who's Marlene?!" He asked.

"She's my OC. Take a look..." The Shipper proudly stood aside, and forwards walked a Mary Sue, typical of all Sueishness. She had shining brown hair, she was of course incredibly beautiful, and had sparkling green eyes. Her skin was pale and flawless, and she had long, dark lashes that left shadows on her cheeks.

"Erk," Was all Bootstrap could manage.

"Come on, she's beautiful, Bootstrap!" The Shipper waved her arms around to demonstrate the point. "Why do you all try to _resist_ the Sues? Just stop fighting it, go with it, Bootstrap..." A lot of the Sues and Shippers were nodding along. "Don't fight the pairings we make. Just give in, who cares if it's OOC? Life without decision; eternal bliss... You'll be happy for ever Bootstrap, you only need to give us your free will..."

"Stop... fighting...?" Bootstrap asked. He shook his head, but seemed more uncertain now. "But... I... No!"

The BootstrapxMarlene went for his throat.

----------

"Where are you taking us?" Elizabeth asked Abby.

"To the HMS Sparrabeth Mothership!" She replied, gleefully. "They'll be so proud of me for catching you two!"

"Sparrabeth?!" Jack and Elizabeth looked at each other. "Abby, that was a one-time-thing, mate... Didn't you see the end of AWE? I refused her kiss. That's something that takes a lot of willpower, you know."

"Hmph." Abby frowned. "That was a big mistake on the script writers part. But _we_ all know how it _should_ be. The writers are blind to this pairing... they're complete and utter idiots! I know _we're_ right."

"She's completely obsessed..." Elizabeth muttered under her breath.

"At least we got away from those BeckettxElizabeth pairings," Jack said, looking over his shoulder. They'd retreated back into the cave, probably to join in with the Beckett-chasing. "I don't think they like sunlight."

"Reminds them too much of flames." Elizabeth explained. "Like the sun. They like to stay in dark, damp places."

"We're nearly there now...!" Abby said, her voice full of delight. "This fanfiction is about to get even better!"

----------

If you are confused, I really do not blame you. How can there be Shippers inside a fanfiction written by a Suethor who somehow can't control the Canons? If you are saying that, then you are probably much too logical for a story like this one.

----------

Will tried to slide backwards into the crevice he was stuck in, but there was nowhere else to go. The WillxOC was screeching, clawing, trying to get in, it's teeth gnashing inches in front of his face, pink venom visibly beading and dribbling down it's long fangs. He wondered if these were his last few moments of being faithful to Elizabeth.

_I'm sorry, Elizabeth, my darling_, he thought, _It's not my fault, really, I tried..._ He leaned back, as the pairing scraped away more and more rock, getting closer to him, much faster then he would have liked.

Suddenly, there was a huge cheer. The pairing turned, waddling around to stare. Will, curious too, went up on tiptoe and a look of horror flashed onto his face. His father was being pinned to a wall by a pairing... it had bitten him! Noooo! Will opened his mouth, but he was too shocked, and too upset to say anything. The teeth sank deep into Bootstrap's collarbone, and his father, who had been standing stock still, suddenly relaxed.

As the fangs came out, the scar instantly sealed up, but Will saw red sparks dancing across the place where it had been – red sparks for OOC, white for canon. Bootstrap had a dreamy sort of smile on his face. Will was horrified.

"Let's go fanfictionize, people!" A Shipper shouted. "SUETHOR... SCENE CHANGE PLEASE!" She roared, and then all of the Shippers, Sues and Bootstrap vanished with a ping. Will couldn't move, still staring at the spot his father had been in. He felt like his brain was coming out of his ears, slowly.

The WillxOC pairing which had been attacking him, now with no orders to follow, suddenly staggered its huge self backwards, opened up it's colossal wings, and then flapped away clumsily, back into the darkness of the ceiling.

"Dad!" Will half staggered, half fell out of the crevice, ignoring the scratch marks and the gouges all across the front of it where the pairing had tried to get in, and looked around the cave.

* * *

**NB: **Yeha, my first flame. Kind of. Anyway, things are about to get even crazier... 


	14. Chapter 14: Jamesey

**Chapter 14: Jamesey**

Beckett was getting seriously tired. The pairings were right behind him – he could hear them grunting and their wings swishing as they chased him. Pure panic was fuelling him now – even though his legs were screaming and he could barely see where he was going because his wig was sliding down his face, he ran like he had never run before in his life.

"Just keep running... come on, Cutler... run, run, run..." He was panting to himself, when – WHAM. He whacked into a wall. A dead end. "No... no, no, no! Damn!" He shouted, kicking the wall. He turned around and saw the creatures coming towards them. With a shriek, he shot to the ground, curling himself up with his hands over his head, waiting to feel fangs ripping into him...

Nothing happened. For a few seconds. Afraid to look but much more afraid not to, he raised his head, slowly, removing his hands from the top of his head. He saw the pairings in the distance, flapping back up to the roof of the cave. Suddenly all of the pain came to him, along with a rush of relief. He wasn't dead! Yeeha!

"Yeah... yeah, you run away!" Beckett said with a nod.

"Beckett, stop being an idiot." Said Will right into his ear. Beckett leapt away from him with a little scream, before standing straight, adjusting his wig and looking stern.

"Please, don't sneak up on me like that." He snapped. Will just laughed.

"Come on then, Cutler!" He said, stretching. "We've got to go!"

"_Go_? And where exactly are you planning on _going_?" Beckett asked. He would be more then happy to get away from this pairing-infested cavern, but he still had to ask. He didn't really think of Will as intelligent enough to come up with anywhere _decent_ to go.

"To save Elizabeth and Jack! And then to go get my father." Will said, as if it were obvious. Beckett pulled a face.

"You know, I think I'll just leave you to that, you know? I've got... things to do... places to be... that sort of thing..." Beckett said, unconvincingly. Will rolled his eyes.

"If you're not going to come, then _fine_." He snapped. "I just thought we should stick together, you know? Right then, I'm off." Then he stalked off towards the mouth of the cave. He began to count in his head. Five... four... three... two...

"Hey... you know what?" Beckett said, doing a skipping little jog to catch up with him. "I think I might just... you know... come along for this one. You'll probably need my help anyway." He added, haughtily.

Will translated this as, 'Don't leave me alone in this creepy place!' He beamed at Beckett.

"Alright, you can come." He said. "Now let's..."

In the centre of the cavern, James Norrington appeared out of nowhere. He turned to see Beckett and Will, both staring at him.

"Run! The Sues, they're coming! They-" A huge pile of Sues appeared out of nowhere, and fell on top of him.

"Ouch." Beckett said. There was a pause. "Oh well, let's go then."

"Shut. Up. Beckett." Will said, with as much patience as he could muster, which was in fact very little. "We don't leave canons behind. You might be a selfish arse, but I certainly am not."

"Ooh." Beckett said, but there wasn't much venom in it; he sounded more fed up.

The Sues were all struggling in their huge, great big pile, squealing and kicking, each being the one trying to get to James Norrington first. Ah, you were wondering when he was going to appear, weren't you? What do you mean, you weren't?! Well fine... but let's just say that, until now, he's been a little... busy, heh heh. He is picked on almost as much was Will, that man.

"How are we going to help him?" Will wondered aloud, stepping back into a shadow so that the Sues wouldn't detect him. Beckett tactfully stepped back too, into a wall.

"Ouch." He said, as if he were stating a fact, not crying out in pain. "I really have no idea. I think..."

Suddenly, everything began to flash yellow and orange. A huge siren began to sound, mooing and booming deafeningly. The Sues, at once, stopped what they were doing, and fell to the floor, screaming and holding their ears. James, stuck in the middle, tried tip-toeing over them, but they were writhing about too much.

Pop! A quarter of them vanished. Pop! Pop! More and more were disappearing.

"Someone reported possible abuse on this chapter!" Beckett cried. "I think this is the happiest day of my life..."

"Hello..." James said, uncertainly. He didn't get the impression that Beckett or Will liked him all that much. Will because of the rivalry over Elizabeth... and Beckett because, well, he always gave off that impression to everyone. Because he usually _didn't_ like anyone all that much.

"Norrington..." Will said, with a nod. It was sort of awkward. "This fanfiction is terrible, eh? Now, I'm on a, um, sort of mission, and I need to – well, I was wondering if-" Beckett cut him off.

"Long story short, your darling Elizabeth is in danger and he wants help rescuing her." He yawned. "Can we go now?!"

"I haven't accepted yet," Norrington said, seeming affronted. He regretted it; he didn't generally speak back to his bosses like that, and Beckett was the worst of all bosses, seriously.

"Yes but I know you will because you _lurrrve_ Swann." Beckett snapped. "Now let's go." Will and James both glared daggers at him, and he shrugged. "It's the truth!"

_He's so damned shrewd,_ James thought, irritated.

"Alright, I'm coming." He said, grudgingly.

----------

"Are we there yet?" Asked Jack.

"Shut up."

That was about it for the rest of the journey. Though when they got to the mothership – well, Jack made sure to smash up that radar good. The Shipper had skipped ahead, too excited to hold back, and then Jack had seized his chance to destroy the radar.

"Good thinking." Elizabeth smiled.

* * *

**NB: **Heh, yup, it _is_ physically possible to get crazier then this. Just wait until you see the rescue mission...


	15. Chapter 15: Sparrabeth Mothership

**Chapter 15: HMS Sparrabeth Mothership **

"_What_?! You mean we _can't_ get started on this plot right away?" Fumed Abby, to some other members of the HMS Sparrabeth. They all nodded.

"They only just got this BootstrapxMarlene plot to work, and that's going to be the plot for a little while now." A bossy-looking girl in Doc Martins said. "So I guess we're going to have to chuck Jack and Elizabeth in a cage for a few chapters."

Jack and Elizabeth exchanged horrified looks. The Shippers started laughing.

"We're only joking, guys!" One said, grabbing a hold of Jack's arm. "You're our _heroes_! You get the best rooms in the house!"

"You can't bribe us!" Elizabeth said valiantly.

"Well, it actually depends on if you have rum or not..." Jack added, thoughtfully. Elizabeth nudged him.

"Anyway, you two, off to your double room." The bossy girl said, leaning towards them with a mean smile. "Time for you two to admit to your feelings, just give it time, we don't need _pairing monsters_ to get you two together, you two were already made for each other!" She giggled.

_They are quite spectacularly mad,_ Jack thought to himself.

----------

James, Will and Beckett had reached the end of the cave, and were looking around at the sea. Will was preoccupied, thinking about his father. Once he had Elizabeth and Jack back, he _had_ to go save his father too. He hadn't gone through all of that trouble in AWE to let him be torn apart by fangirls, dammit!

"We are lacking a boat." Beckett said, flatly.

"Plus, I'm injured..." James said. "I got hit by a stalagmite."

"Actually, it was a stalactite... But it's an easy mistake to- ack!" Beckett was cut off as Will pushed him into the sea.

"I've been wanting to do that for quite a while." Will said. James tried not to laugh. Hey, who knew, maybe they could get on after all.

----------

"This... sucks!" Elizabeth fumed, kicking the heavily-hinting double bed's mattress over in fury. "We're the guests of honour, but we're actually _locked_ in here! I didn't think fame would be anything like _this_!"

"Hmm..." Jack said. "But I have a plan."

"Really?" Elizabeth asked, turning towards him. He nodded.

"I have to find Tia Dalma." He said, "She'll know how to get out of this fanfiction... I know it! But she could be anywhere, and-"

"Yes. _Great_ plan, Jack. But I don't care about that. _I_ care about getting _out_ of this _bloody_ room and getting _out_ of here!" Elizabeth snapped. "So _please_ will you shut up about stupid _Tia_ and come up with an actual _escape_!"

"Gosh, those italics are giving me a headache..." Jack murmured. "Alright, alright... what's up with you, Elizabeth?"

"Sorry... I got grazed by one of their OOC daggers." She said, rubbing her arm, on which there was a light gash. "I'm recovering, but every now and again I turn into the most frightful bitch."

_Actually, the 'frightful bitch' thing may be you recovering..._ Jack thought, privately, to himself. But he just smiled and nodded.

"Tell me about it. And those Angst Fairies are certainly no picnic. Or those Amnesia Bunnies... though more memories are coming back now. But I _still_ don't know what a Shipper is."

"Shippers are people who Ship. But not any sort of Shipping... _Relation_shipping. They basically pair people up, quite unnaturally." She sighed.

"Hmm... like BeckettxDavy..." Jack said.

"Ack! Oh my god, gah! Get that image _out of my head_!" Elizabeth cried, making the sign of the cross. "Did you _have_ to mention _that_ particular pairing right _now_?!"

"Again with the italics!" Jack said. Elizabeth glared at him.

"Oh, what are we going to do? And what if Will has been bitten by that horrible, horrible, WillxOC pairing that's been hunting him down for _ages_?! Oh Jack, what if Will doesn't love me any more?!" Elizabeth said, tears stinging at her eyes. Jack wasn't too sure what to say.

"Gee, Elizabeth, been hanging out with the Angst Fairy recently?" Was all he could manage.

* * *

**NB: **I've decided I'm going to say the names of the next chapter at the end of each one. Because it's fun. Thank yuo for reviews; we've broken the big 30... ho ho. Anyway. So, coming up next... **Chapter 16 - Three Heroes and a Dinghy**. 


	16. Chapter 16: Three Heroes and a Dinghy

**Chapter 16: Three Heroes and a Dinghy**

They had found a small dinghy, and were quite squashed, and of course, still squabbling. Beckett was in quite a huff about the pushing-into-the-ocean incident, and wasn't talking too much, just doing everything – which luckily included rowing – in a very, _very_ violent manner.

"Oh, come _on_, Cutler." Will said, trying to make conversation again, "It was only a rock pool! Never did anyone any harm!"

Beckett turned a fraction towards him, and then turned his back on him again, a scowl visible on his face as he pulled on his oar savagely, making the boat swing one-sidedly.

"The slipstream goes _that_ way!" James said, pointing. "Come on, it's fading!"

They turned the little rowing boat around, and continued to make slow, but steady progress. Beckett was tired from all of his vicious rowing, and also thought it was about time James did something more then sit there pointing in the direction they had to row in. However, Beckett was going to keep up his silence for as long as possible, even if it meant having to row.

Wow!

----------

Elizabeth was gazing out of the window, when she saw a rather odd sight. James Norrington, her ex-boyfriend, Will Turner, her husband, and Cutler Beckett, one of her worst enemies, was rowing a tiny dinghy towards the ship. All she could do was stand there staring for a minute.

"Er, Jack. Take a look at this." She said, slowly. He came next to her.

"Hey, I knew they'd come for us!" Jack said with a smile. James suddenly pointed at their window, and Will turned, and waved merrily. Elizabeth's worried face broke out into a smile at the sight of her husband. Norrington smiled back, thinking Elizabeth's smile was directed at him. Everyone was smiling... well, almost. Beckett continued to scowl, ramming the oars back fiercely.

James was mouthing something, but Elizabeth couldn't hear him. The window was locked, and she couldn't open it.

"What?" She asked loudly, pressing herself against the window. Will and James were both mouthing now.

----------

"Get back! Get _away_ from the window!" Will shouted. "Jeesh, when is she going to get the message?" He said with a fond smile.

"I expect it's going to take a few years for that blonde tart to understand anything." Beckett chose this moment to pipe up. Will and James both slowly turned towards him. These were the worst two people to bitch about Elizabeth to. Beckett stopped rowing and folded his arms, glaring down at the floor of the dinghy.

"What... did you... say?" Will asked, slowly, and threateningly.

"Oh, what's the point in taking out my anger with you on your wife? There isn't any other intelligent life on this dinghy anyway. I might as well-" Beckett sighed melodramatically, but he was cut off.

"Don't insult Elizabeth," James said, frowning. He used to be quite scared of Beckett, but in this twisted world of fanfiction, he had no need to any more. Beckett wasn't his boss any more – in fact, they were both meant to be dead. Then he noticed Will giving him a funny look. "It's not nice." He added.

"I don't want to hurt her when I'm breaking the window," Fretted Will, looking up at Elizabeth, who was still standing by the window, looking at him, and smiling... oh, what a beautiful smile she had, almost captivating...

CRASH! Will nearly jumped out of his skin as the window splintered into a million pieces, he opened his mouth and closed it again, putting two and two together, and then jumped on Beckett, trying to strangle him.

"Don't you dare throw a damned brick at a window that my wife is standing behind!" He shouted. James hesitated, wondering what to do, and then grabbed Will and pulled him off of Beckett, who seemed quite unharmed, just rather affronted by Will's sudden attack.

"Well you were just going to stand there dithering, weren't you?" Beckett snapped. "I'd like to get out of here this _year_, if you please."

There was the thud of feet. Jack and Elizabeth were on the dinghy with them! Will leapt into Elizabeth's arms and gave her a good long kiss, and white sparks played around them for a minute. Then they smiled at each other. Nobody noticed James' forlorn look, which he wiped off of his face at the first opportunity.

"Alright, if I can please interrupt this long reintroduction..." Jack said, looking around at them all. "I'd like to say that this boat is sinking. It wasn't really made for, uh, five people. I think someone has to get off."

Beckett became aware of four pairs of eyes on him...

* * *

**NB:** Ho ho. Thank you for reviews, they are fabulissimo.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 17 - Four in a Tub**


	17. Chapter 17: Four in a Tub

**Chapter 17: Four in a Tub... **

"This is really mean!" Beckett said indignantly, as they shoved him onto the windowsill onto the HMS Sparrabeth, quite roughly. "I don't think these fangirls are the type who sit around squeeing, and they are _not_ going to be happy when they learn that their two favourite characters have escaped and left me, a villain...!"

"Shut up, Beckett." Will snapped. "If you weren't such a tremendous arsehole then maybe you'd still be here on the dinghy with us." Beckett wrinkled his nose.

"I hate you." He said, and then leapt carefully into the room that had meant to be for Elizabeth and Jack, avoiding the shards of glass that littered the floor. He turned around and looked out of the window, as the ship bobbed on the waves, and then Jack and Will started rowing. He scowled.

----------

Elizabeth and James were crushed into the back of the boat, and Will and Jack's shoulders kept on jarring each other as they rowed. Will kept on giving these looks to James, Elizabeth was completely unaware, Jack was trying to loosen up the awkwardness on the boat but failing miserably.

"I... well, you have to admit, Beckett was right," Elizabeth said. "It was quite mean, leaving him on board the HMS Sparrabeth..."

"What?!" Will stared at her, "If you want _mean_, try being stuck on a dinghy with him for half an hour! It'll _kill_ you..." He scowled as he remembered Beckett, always patronizing, manipulating and correcting him. Elizabeth shrugged.

"Maybe he can't help being an arrogant penis." Elizabeth said.

"Did you get bitten by a BeckettxElizabeth or something?!" Will suddenly snapped. Elizabeth looked hurt, and he regretted it, but couldn't think of anything else to say.

----------

About half an hour later, James, at last, asked the question. He really didn't want to sound like Beckett, but, well... He'd appreciate knowing.

"Um... do any of us actually know where... where we're going?" He asked, cautiously. Jack and Will replied simultaneously.

"To Tia's Shack." Jack said.

"To find my father." Said Will. They both looked at each other. James cleared his throat. Elizabeth opened her mouth, and closed it again. She would like to side with Will, really, but she was quite desperate for any way out of this place... The awkwardness, if possible, got even more intense.

"Listen, Will, I know that Bootstraps a pal and all, but... he got bitten by a pairing. Damage like that can last months, mate... I mean, come on, you understand me, right? Wouldn't you much rather escape?" Jack asked.

"No." Will said through gritted teeth, "Not without my father."

"Maybe we could somehow compromise?" James tried, shooting a look at Elizabeth for backup. Jack did the same, and Will. She twisted her hands, wondering who to side with. Why did they all look to her like that?!

"Errm... Well..." She started. "I think Tia's Shack might be a good idea... We can save your dad afterwards, Will... But... Tia is very wise..." She looked at Will's expression, which looked a cross between crushed and let down. She smiled apologetically. "Sorry, Will... I mean... I think... it's..." She trailed off.

"...Fine." Will muttered quietly. The awkwardness was skyrocketing now.

_Good god,_ James thought, _Looks like the only thing uniting us was how we disliked Beckett... well who'd have thought... oh well! It's not like I miss him._ He almost laughed out loud at the thought. _Ah... good one._

----------

Rowing. Rowing. Rowing. Days – had it been days? There didn't seem to be any night time here, until when the Suethor commanded it. Also, it wasn't made any easier when they had to avoid Shippers, dodge hurricanes of spelling errors, and hope not to run into any more pairings. It was very hard work, and they were all getting pretty snappish, Jack poring over his compass...

"Land ho!" Jack finally said, a big smile breaking out on his face. "Just follow up that river, and it's Tia's Shack!" He grinned at the others. None of them grinned back. They were tired, sunburned, and hungry, and they weren't even sure if Tia would be in there. The plan was starting to sound stupid...

----------

The door snapped open, and a girl in jeans walked in, carrying a tray, with two plates on it. She stopped short when she saw who was in the room. Beckett, who had been sitting cross-legged on the bed, stood up, stretching, and then pulled a face at the food.

"Well, no way am I eating _that_." He said, smoothing down his coat.

"C-Cutler _Beckett_?!" The fangirl was very confused. Can you blame her? "B-but... but... where's Jack? Where's Elizabeth? Where's our _pairing_?!" She howled.

"Oh, they, you know, escaped. But you'd _much_ rather have me, wouldn't you?" He said, with a sarcastic, bright smile. The girl was staring at him now, but not in shock. She looked very, very evil.

"What did you do with them?" She asked, slowly.

"_Me_? I'm the last person here who'd want to do _anything_ with the like of Elizabeth Sw- urk!" He was taken by surprise, as the fangirl lunged for his throat, and pinned him against a wall, throwing the tray of food to the floor. She shook him, making his head bang against a wall.

"Where are they?" She screamed. "_Where are they_?! Or these'll be your last few moments of life, Cutler Beckett! You died in AWE, and I can send you _right back there_!"

* * *

**NB:** Heh. Beckett's in doodoo.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 18 - A Wager**


	18. Chapter 18: A Wager

**Chapter 18: A Wager **

Jack pulled the boat up onto shore, while Will, Elizabeth and James got out of the ship. James had never been here before, however due to the random madness of the pairings, he had had to put up with plenty of JamesxTia, and probably knew who Tia Dalma was. Once the dinghy was secure, they scampered up the steps.

"Tia! You in there?" Jack asked, banging on the door. He hoped to high heaven that she was, because if she wasn't, all of that rowing, all of that working, and all of that damned _awkwardness_ would have been for nothing. The door swung open.

"Ahh... if it isn't Witty Jack..." Came a familiar voice from inside. Jack's heart leapt, and he sprang into the shack, looking around the room, and by the dim candlelight, he saw Tia herself sitting down on a chair, looking down at an empty table, as if waiting for it to do some sort of magic trick.

"Tia... we need your help..." Jack said, coming in and striding next to her. The others wandered in too. "I figured that if anyone knows the way out of this place, it'll be you."

"Ah, yes," Tia sighed, "But the paths to the second sight have been misty today."

"What does that mean?" Elizabeth asked.

"The Suethor... She forgets to describe things sometimes. And many of my magical items are in that list. And if the Suethor does not describe it..." She levelled her head towards Elizabeth, "...then it does not exist!"

"So you can't help us?" Jack asked, his heart sinking.

"Oh, the way out of the fanfiction is simple enough..." She replied, "But you'll need more then a dinghy, and I know that not all of you want to leave right away."

She blinked demurely towards Will.

----------

"Don't kill me," Beckett said, struggling for breath, "Because then I wont be able to tell you where they went. And that would just be _terrible_, wouldn't it?"

"Tell me! Tell me _now!_" The Shipper shrieked.

"What's happening in here?" Came a voice from outside, and a couple more Shippers ran in. They took in the scene; smashed window, Cutler Beckett being pinned against a wall, plates on the floor, and instantly jumped on the bandwagon.

"What have you done with Jack and Elizabeth?!" Shouted one.

"Yeah, where are they?" The other cried.

"Well there's more of a chance of me telling you if you let go of me." Beckett said, innocently. "Then again, if you strangle me too much, I might just accidentally forget where they went." Grudgingly, the girl let go of him.

"What's happening?" A girl with a loud voice and Doc Martins on her feet stomped in. She seemed to be the leader of this little voyage.

"Our pairing have gone!" The girl who had been strangling him said. "And in their place, we found _him_!"

"Calm down, Abby." Snapped the Doc Martins girl. "We can find them again, and just dispose of this man." She frowned at Beckett, who looked a little hurt.

"Who are _you_?" He asked, wrinkling his nose.

"I'm Clara." She said, puffing out her chest, "And I'm the captain of the _HMS Sparrabeth_. And you are an unwelcome guest, and you'll be thrown overboard immediately." Beckett examined his nails boredly.

"Well, yes, I suppose you could do that." He said. "But then how will I tell you where to find that delightful couple Jack and Elizabeth?"

"You are an idiot." Clara said with a frown. "We have a radar for that."

"Um... we don't any more." The one called Abby said, quietly. "It got destroyed. I think it was Jack and Elizabeth." Clara's expression froze; she was caught.

"So – looks like you need me." Beckett said brightly, rubbing his hands together. This was what he did best. "But I'm not going to give you the information for just _anything_, you know... Now, let me think..."

* * *

**NB:** A relatively short chapter, but HOMYGOD PLOT TWISTS! Oh, and also, I'm sorry if I didn't make this clear before; but Elizabeth and Jack, to escape the Sparrabeth, climbed out of the window that Beckett had smashed before Will jumped him, and then climbed on board their dinghy. Hope that explains it.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 19 - The Way Out**


	19. Chapter 19: The Way Out

**Chapter 19: The Way Out **

Unaware that Beckett was possibly about to sell them out, Will, James, Elizabeth and Jack listened intently to Tia. They were all gathered around her table now, listening carefully, and their possible escape route from this horrible place.

"It is a dangerous and most terrible journey... One that is hard to survive..." She leaned closer in on the table. "Will you be willing to sail to the end of the fanfic, and withstand that terrible journey, and willing to-?"

"What?!" Will spluttered. "That's a blatant rip-off from DMC!"

"William Turner," Tia Dalma snapped, glaring at him, "It is also the way out."

"How does it work?" James asked, softly.

"The imagination of any Suethor is incredibly limited." Tia said, turning away from Will at last, to address the rest of them again. "It will not stretch that far. If you keep on going in one direction for a long time, eventually you will hit the Whiteness. Then you must travel through the great Whiteness, until you hit the edge of the fanfiction. Then you will topple down, down – and then back into the canon world."

"Well, that's great." Jack said, smiling. Tia shook her head.

"However, it may not be a blessing for all of us. Like dear James Norrington..." She turned towards him, and he found himself trapped in her dark gaze. There was something not mortal about this woman, he could already tell... "The second you get back to the canon world, you will die."

"Oh." James said. He looked downwards.

"But that's terrible!" Elizabeth said, looking shocked, "I was torn apart when James died. Isn't... isn't there some other way?" Will glared at her back. Tia gave a soft chuckle.

"But you can bring people back to life, right?" Jack asked. "Like you did with Barbossa. Where is that scoundrel anyway?"

"I could... But I can't just throw my powers around, bringing everybody back to life for jollies. Death is a part of life. You have to face it." Tia said, peaceably. "Nothing personal, James." She added, to him. "If you want things back to normal, then James will have to die. And anyway... If you do decide to set out on this journey, I will not be coming with you."

"Why... why not?!" Demanded Jack. "I want you coming with me. I want to save your life, in thanks for saving mine. I'm a man of honour, y'know." Will laughed out loud, and Jack looked disapproving. "Well, you're not exactly a man of your word, are you?" He snapped.

"Can you people just stop arguing for a second?!" Elizabeth asked, looking close to tears, "Lives are at stake here! What is it with _men_?"

"I know what you mean," Sighed Tia. "I will be staying to insure the safety of someone, that's all. From the worst pairing there is..." She narrowed her eyes, "BeckettxDavy." The other four screamed and leapt back.

"Don't even speak of that god-awful pairing!" Cried Jack.

"And don't go to save that heartless bastard Beckett!" Will added.

"It is not Beckett that I am wishing to save." Tia snapped.

"Oh, ok, then I mean... And don't go save that heartless bastard Davy!" Will corrected himself, "It's not worth it, really. He sold you out, remember?"

"Much in the way _you_ sold _him_ out to me. I could have been happy with him forever, once I was free. But no. You had to ruin everything by telling me that it was him who told those god-awful pirates how to bind me in this terrible form!" Tia was breathing deeply, she seemed upset. She continued, a little more calmly, "So I will stay here, if you please."

"Well, going to the end of the fanfiction and getting out of here seems like a good idea to me!" Jack said, after a pause. "Sorry, Jamesey." He added. "You'll probably have to stay here."

"I'm staying too." Will said. "I have to get my father."

"I'm staying." Elizabeth said suddenly. She slipped her hand into Will's. "I'm staying with Will." She said softly. He turned to her, a look of pure happiness on his face. He leaned forwards to kiss her, realizing that it was stupid to be jealous every time she said anything about James; there was no love like canon love...

"Alright, kissy stuff aside," Jack said, "Does that mean I'm the only one leaving?" They all nodded.

"It's a mighty dangerous journey, Jack." Tia said. "Why not stay here with us? We can help you. Fleeing from the fanfiction isn't the only way; we can fight it too." Jack turned to her, an odd look on his face.

"I have to go." Jack said. "I hate this place. I'll take the dinghy."

"Good luck, Witty Jack..." Tia said, with a small nod.

----------

"Fan harder, or I might forget where Jack and Elizabeth were headed to." Beckett said, flipping over a page of his book. Abby gritted her teeth, and waved the fan again.

"We have air conditioning, for christ's sake! Why do you need fanning?!" She asked, finally, trying not to sound too short tempered, but failing.

"It's a values thing," Beckett replied. Abby sorely wanted to break the fan on his head, but refrained herself. They had to get Jack and Elizabeth back, and they had to do whatever he said while they waited for him to decide what he wanted in exchange for the information they needed.

* * *

**NB:** Ho ho. Beckett being Beckett. Jack being Jack. The plot moves on, etc. Hmmm. I'm running out of things to say in these little NB boxes. Maybe I should just stop doing them altogether. Do they ruin perfectly decent fanfiction? And... woah. Thank you to Pink Illusion for your many, _many_, erm, dedicated reviews. Hey, at least it's bumping the number up... heh, heh. And who will be the sixtieth reviewer, I wonder?

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 20 - A New Weapon**


	20. Chapter 20: A New Weapon

**Chapter 20: A New Weapon**

Jack Sparrow sat down in the dinghy, bringing out his compass and checking it. Rowing to the end of the fanfic, eh? That didn't sound too fun. But it had to be better then staying here. Also, sailing alone wasn't something he wasn't used to. He'd said some brief goodbyes, hoping it wasn't the last. They'd all wished each other luck, and now, here he was.

He'd asked Tia for a small sail to put up so he wouldn't have to row _all_ the way; the dinghy had been lacking one until now, hence all of the rowing. He adjusted the ropes a little, sat down, and got ready to go. He had some food; some water; some rum; a small gift from Tia; and that was about it. But that was all he needed, right?

He watched as the island Tia lived on began to fade away, wondering if he was doing the right thing. Then he shook his head – woah, that wasn't normal, wondering if he was doing the right thing! He shook it off and took a long swig of rum in celebration. He was out of here!

----------

"Fighting the fanfiction is a brave task, that hardly any characters dare attempt." Tia said, solemnly. "However, we have one thing on our side..." She walked into the gloom of her shack, checking around herself, as if making sure she wasn't being watched, and then brought something out from underneath a cupboard. Why it wasn't _in_ the cupboard was beyond James.

"What is it?" He asked, craning his neck. She brought it forwards, and he was a little disappointed.

It was a smallish sack, made of rough brown material, patched and clumsily sown many times, with the top tied up with a rope that was frayed at the edges. All in all, it didn't look like much. However, nor did Tia's shack, but it contained many magical items and, of course, a powerful sorceress...

"In this sack, I have managed to trap the essence of a flame." Tia said, placing the bag delicately on the table. "Opening this sack at any Sue, pairing, Shipper, or most anything, will blast them back into oblivion." She smiled.

"That's powerful stuff." Will admitted.

"I have had to keep this very well hidden indeed..." Tia nodded to herself, "As if the Suethor discovers it's existence, she will do anything to try and destroy it, to save her precious fanfiction. Once we begin using it as a weapon, I am sure news of it will spread far and wide – so when we do attack, we have to use our element of surprise carefully, and get as many down as possible on the first few strikes."

"That sounds sort of violent," Elizabeth said nervously.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Tia said with a vampire smile.

"What does an essence of a flame look like?" James asked, quite interested, despite himself. Tia looked at him for a moment, and then began untying the rope carefully. The second it was undone, a jet of flame shot out of the top of the bag, flamethrower style, and a harsh voice boomed around the entire Shack.

"...AND ALSO, YOUR SPELLING IS ATROCIOUS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT ALL OF YOUR MISTAKES ARE TYPOS! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE PUNCTUATION, I MEAN, WHAT ARE YOU, A THIRD GRADER? MAYBE YOU SHOULD SELL YOUR COMPUTER TO AN ILLITERATE DONKEY, I EXPECT IT WOULD PRODUCE BETTER WRITING THEN THIS ABSOLUTE..."

At this point, Tia grabbed the top of the bag, having to literally fight the flames down, before wrapping the cord tightly around it. Once it was triple knotted, she looked up at the others' shocked expressions, and smiled.

"The flames wont burn you, because you're canon. I've not tested it yet, but if someone has turned OOC, then pointing this at them should turn them back into their former, canon self..." Tia put the sack down carefully on the table. She looked around at the others around the table.

They all broke into grins.

----------

"So... you've got food, water, maps, money, a motorboat, instructions on how to drive a motorboat, and Jenny's sunglasses," Clara huffed, "Do you want anything else, _your majesty_?" She rolled her eyes. She regretted it when Beckett put his finger on his chin, as if he were in deep thought.

"Hmm..." He said. He looked at her. Clara noticed him looking downwards. She followed his gaze, which went straight to her beautiful, brand-new, electric blue Doctor Martin boots. His steely green eyes flicked back to her face.

"What size are you?" He asked.

* * *

**NB:** Heh. Poor Clara. Anyway; cat-inky-with-paws, I am in England, so... I am in England time. Yeees... Caity, I shall try to prevent a Norringtondeath as much as possible. And Meg, oh well! Sixty-two is as good as any! Heh...

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 21 - Paths Split**


	21. Chapter 21: Paths Split

**Chapter 21: Paths Split **

"So where do you think my father is, Tia?" Will asked, leaning towards Tia.

"It's... hard to tell." She sighed. "You see, the Suethor failed to describe me any Crab Claws that I can use to predict these things."

"What're these, then?" Will asked, pointing at some claw-type things on the edge of one of her shelves. James and Elizabeth looked from Tia to the claws, and back to Tia again. Tia sighed.

"They are, apparently, 'carb clawz'. They are something different entirely." She gazed at them for a moment. "I can try to use them, Will, but the results will not be as accurate as usual, and it may also damage my brain. But the things I will do for a pretty face like yours..." She sighed, striding up to the shelf and picking them up.

She sat down again, and closed her eyes, her hands cupped around the carb clawz. She shook them, her eyes still closed, muttering something into her hands, in some sort of trance. James, Will and Elizabeth all knew better then to interrupt.

As she cast the clawz with a clatter, she leaned forwards, and a necklace swung forwards, dangling guiltily on it's chain. Davy's locket. Quickly, she tucked it back into her dress, and looked intently at the pattern the carb clawz had made. She frowned, still muttering to herself, and at last, looked up at the others.

"The strongest phrase coming to me most is 'torrtgua'. I am taking this to mean Tortuga." She said, finally. "The 'Three Swans Inn', I think." She thought back to the image that had popped into her head – 'teh 3 swanns in' – and nodded. "Yes, definitely. I am afraid, Will, that... well... your father has been..."

"Yes, I know he was bitten by a pairing," Will sighed. Elizabeth stroked his arm in sympathy. "All the more reason to hurry."

"I know what it's like," Elizabeth suddenly said, "I get lots of 'Elizabeth's Mother' types. It's terrible, all of these women who are nothing like my mother showing up, all over my father..." She closed her eyes. Will gave her a quick kiss on the lips.

"Let's go, then!" He said, boldly. Elizabeth and Tia grinned. James just nodded.

----------

Jack had been sailing for quite a while now. He was in the middle of nowhere, but he made sure to keep the ship on course, checking the compass regularly. He picked up a small parcel that Tia had given to him as she wished him goodbye, and peeled off some of the paper, which he suspected was made of old snakeskin.

He blinked as he pulled out a small jar with what looked like a fire in it. There was a little note attached. He squinted slightly at it, mouthing the words as he read, _Jack, in a time of danger, open this jar, but no other time! This is for emergency use. I wish you the best of luck. Tia._ He grinned. She'd never let him go sailing off into the unknown without some sort of magical trinket.

He shook the jar, and the little fire wavered, but did not fade. He shrugged and put it into his pocket, when he spotted something that inspired fear into his heart. Perhaps his time for emergency use was already up! He reached for it, when...

The motorboat twisted to the left, covering his entire dinghy in a spray of water. Jack spluttered indignantly, and looked up at the motorboat. He was surprised to see Beckett in the driving seat, also sporting a pair of massive, Paris-Hilton-like sunglasses. Beckett wasn't aware that they were for girls, seeing as they weren't invented; he just liked the look of them. Jack raised an eyebrow.

"Beckett? What're you doing here?" He asked.

"I'm just here to rub it in your face that you're still on that primitive thing, while I have my own motorboat, as revenge for leaving me on board the _HMS Sparrabeth_. Well, bye then." Beckett began to rev up the engine, when Jack reached over and grabbed the side.

"Hold on a second!" He said, thinking fast. He could really do with a motorboat. They'd get to the end of the fanfic much faster in one of those. He just wasn't too sure how to bribe Beckett. "I know the way out of this fanfiction. We could go much faster in your boat." He said in a strangled voice. He wasn't too used to telling the actual _truth_ to someone when he wanted something.

"What?!" Beckett asked, taking his hand off of the driving mechanism. "How?"

"I'll tell you if you take me with you." Jack said.

"Hmm... it appears you're playing my very own game. But... alright then." Beckett said. "Bring your food and everything else on board, we're probably going to need more stuff. Also... check these out!" He stuck one of his legs in the air, showing off the Doc Martins that Jack instantly recognized.

"You stole her _boots_ too?! How did you do that?" He asked, bewildered.

"I did not _steal_ them." Beckett said, indignantly. "I am not a thief like you. For your information, I traded them, fair and square." The thought of Clara's expression when he'd asked for them made a smile break out on his face.

"Oh yeah? For what?" Jack asked, suspiciously.

"Never you mind." Beckett said lightly. He conveniently 'forgot' to mention the fact that he had told the crew of the _HMS Sparrabeth_ that Jack and Elizabeth had gone to save Bootstrap, as he'd heard Will saying. He wondered what the crew would do to him when they realized that Jack wasn't there. Oh well, he'd be out of there by then, right?

Jack was still a little wary of Beckett, but he moved his items into Beckett's motorboat and then jumped into the back seat, glaring at the seat belts, as if daring them to restrain him again. They stayed limp.

"Which way?" Beckett asked.

"Just follow the compass," Jack said, putting it on the seat next to Beckett. He looked down at it. "You see, we're going so far in that direction that we'll burst through the edge of this fanfiction, and then out the other side!"

"That sounds sort of stupid." Beckett said. Jack sighed, and explained everything Tia had said to him.

"Also, this whole plot has been stupid," He added.

"Fair enough." Beckett said, and they were off.

* * *

**NB:** Ohh dear. And Pink Illusion; it wasn't an attack on your reviews at all! You brought the numbers up considerably, heh, heh, which is always a good thing. Next time, they are all in for a whole lot of danger...

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 22 - The Typoon**


	22. Chapter 22: The Typoon

**Chapter 22: The Typoon **

Clara was on major storming mode. She was _not_ a happy bunny. Pattering around in grey woollen socks was _not_ how a leader was supposed to walk! They were supposed to stomp around in huge... magnificent... _glorious_ Doc Martin boots! She really, really, _hated_ that Beckett now. The things she'd do for their pairing...

"How do I know they'll really be there?" She'd asked him.

"I hate them," Beckett shrugged, "Why would I protect them?" She found no reason to doubt his flawless logic. And that was all the more infuriating.

Also, he had taken the _HMS Sparrabeth II_, which meant the entire mothership had to go into battle, and that was not what it was for. It was meant to be the Sparrabeth organization centre, which stayed where it was, not the one going out into all of the action. But now they had no miniature motorboat either.

"Sail _faster_!" She shouted at the crew. The _HMS Sparrabeth I_ was a large, modern, cruiser-like ship, which was powered by machinery, so they had no use for people hanging around in sails and so on. It was also quite a luxurious ship; complete with a bar, cafe, even a pool. It was a rather big pairing, after all. However, their worst enemies, the _Great Ship Willabeth_, was even more luxurious, and this made them very mad indeed.

They already knew that the main plot was taking place at Tortuga. Clara knew that gatecrashing the BootstrapxMarlene plot may cause some anger on the Suethors part, so she was going to have to be sneaky with this one.

Very sneaky.

----------

"What's this?" Jack asked, picking up a red packet that said _Walkers Crisps_ on it. Now, I'm British, but I think Americans call crisps chips? I don't know. Don't eat me.

"I have no idea." Beckett replied, jerking the boat to the right suddenly. He was an atrocious driver; Jack was one of the most sea-steady men there was, but even he was beginning to feel seasick as they lurched and jerked all over the place. He popped open the packet, and pulled out a crisp.

"Actually, they're quite nice." Jack said, after pushing five whole ones into his mouth. "Want a try?" He said with his mouth full of crisps. He pushed the packet into Beckett's face.

"Uh... no thanks." He said, flinching at the salty stink.

"Your loss, Beckett," Jack chuckled, tipping some more into his mouth. Beckett twisted the wheel again, sending Jack flying across the seat.

"Why does everyone call me Beckett?" He mused.

"Because... that's your name?" Jack said, quite sardonically. Beckett opened his mouth, and then closed it again, looking slightly defeated. He guessed that Cutler just wasn't as catchy.

"Uh oh..." He said, not so long after that. Jack had nearly been asleep.

"Wha'? Wha'sup?" he asked, the rum beginning to affect his speech again. He looked around, and realized it was much darker. Beckett looked a little pale.

"It's a Typoon." Beckett said, slightly nervously.

"I think you mean Typhoon." Jack corrected. Beckett flashed him an annoyed look.

"No. I don't."

"But what on this rum-filled earth is a Typ-?" Before he could finish, it began to get very windy. He craned his neck, and what he saw stopped his heart for a moment, he could swear on it. There was a huge, fat, tornado-type in the ocean ahead of them, with bits of water being whipped up. And on the fierce winds there were... words! And such nonsense, nonexistent words too...

Beckett swore as a 'teh' bounced off of his head. It was the most common one. Jack dodged a 'glitns', a 'peotrie' and a 'jewihs' which all seemed to come in quick succession. Beckett was fighting the controls now.

"These things are bloody dangerous... and they pretty much come out of nowhere." He sighed, "If a chapter gets a certain amount of typos in it, it all overflows, and turns into a huge raging thunderstorm, raining down on the fanfic and making everything crap. Flames can evaporate them into steam."

Flames. Jack thought of the jar that Tia had given him, for emergencies only. Was this an emergency? He thought of the _HMS Sparrabeth_ crew – they were pretty scary. He thought of a bunch of Sues, all looking out for their most favourite character. And Pairings storming the sky as darkness began to fall. He couldn't waste it against a stupid bunch of words, could he?

"What do they do?" Jack asked.

"They mess with your brain. Make you start to talk liek tihs." His accent and way of speech changed notably at the last two words; they really did affect you quite a lot. "Ships get torn apart by these – get turned into nothing more then sihps. And they are useless."

"What, and I'll become jak sparwo and you'll be ctuler bkeit?" Jack asked.

"Yes." Came the reply.

* * *

**NB:** Uh oh, there's trouble ahead. Ho ho, did you know the idea of a typoon was actually born from a typo.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 23 - Tia Explains the OOC Universe**


	23. Chap 23: Tia Explains the OOC Universe

**Chapter 23: Tia Explains the OOC Universe **

Will stepped onto the harbour at Tortuga, looking around. The slums seemed normal enough... but... there was nobody about. No-one at all. No beggars, no anyone. He was wearing a cloak that covered his face, as were the others. Occasionally a Mary Sue would hurry past, but Will and the gang were ignored as 'Background Characters', as most people in cloaks were.

"Where is the Three Swans?" Asked Will.

"More towards the centre. Be careful, there will be a _lot_ of Sues, Shippers, Suethor-Worshippers, and Pairings there, to make sure everything proceeds perfectly." Tia said. Elizabeth looked frightened. Will patted her arm comfortingly.

"I'll get my father, and then we can... Actually, what will we do?" Will asked.

"I guess you'll go back to the canon world." James said, a touch sadly. He hadn't been very talkative since learning of his imminent death, should everything go back to normal. Elizabeth touched his elbow.

"There must be some way of keeping you alive." She said.

"The only thing keeping James Norrington alive now is the power of AU." Tia Dalma said, tilting her head. "Once he leaves, he'll no longer be protected by it. However, where there is AU, there is usually OOC."

"Can't we take him to a different fanfiction?" Will suddenly asked. "A better one then here. Like one of those happily-ever-after ones, where he marries one of Elizabeth's sister's boyfriend's best friend's father's ex-roommate's tailor's daughter's pet dog's trainer's lapdancer's cousin and everything is fine?"

"You may..." Tia said, softly, "But you will probably never see him again. And he will never see you again... only the OOC, not-really-you versions of you."

"Not all versions of us are OOC." Elizabeth said. Tia shook her head.

"I'm afraid that all versions of you are, actually, OOC. A personality of someone is a very hard thing to duplicate; every little thing you do, every single possible reply out of billions and trillions to something someone says, it just wouldn't work." Tia blinked her deep, dark eyes, "Even the closest possible version of you, made by someone else, would be OOC in it's own way."

"We could come and visit," She said, looking to James, who didn't look any happier.

"At the risk of becoming trapped inside another horrendous fanfiction like this? I'm sorry to sound so against James," Tia put her hand on James' arm, "But either way, you're going to have to say a final goodbye."

Elizabeth sighed. James sighed. Will sighed too, but he wasn't really _that_ upset.

----------

...sry 4 teh tpyos lawlz nto my fualt i dnot reli lyk tpyin aslo i ma dyslescix tho i am tpo of my clsaa at scool neway ltes gte on wiht teh fictoin adn tehn btoostrap sed 2 marleen taht he luvd hre adn tey settlde dwno fro soem luvly luv... sdkasnfjand... adjahfjkadnkjanwsd... afdnakjdam...

"I can't take this any more!" Jack shouted. "This is complete madness!" He and Beckett, and most of the rest of the ship, was under a tarpaulin sheet to try and avoid the Typoon, however bits were leaking in, and the bits that did scrambled their brain up madly for a few moments.

"Well obviously you're going to have to." Beckett replied. Jack was just about to reply with something not so polite when he spotted something in the distance. He blinked.

"Beckett... there's somebody in the water!" He said. "Look over there!"

"It's probably just another Drowning Sue..." Beckett said, waving his hand airily. "They tend to show up in the worst of places."

"No... This one's a man..." Jack said, craning his neck. "Come on, Beckett, we can't leave someone out there to drown in a Typoon!" There was a sudden judder, and the ship started to move, slowly, backwards.

"We're going towards the centre of the Typoon..." Beckett bit hit lip.

"Well, at least we're going towards the drowning guy now," Jack said cheerfully, "I'll go get him, we'll pass him in a while." He pulled the tarpaulin up, and then wriggled out into the storm, with it over his head, he was about to clamber onto the bonnet-type area, when...

"Don't go out there, Jack." Beckett said, suddenly. Jack nearly fell out of the boat. "It's dangerous."

"Was... was that you _caring_ about my safety?" Jack asked.

"God no," Beckett frowned, "You still have the compass."

Jack sighed, and then leapt out onto the bonnet. The tarpaulin slid forwards, letting quite a bit of the food be whipped away by typos that were flying about. Beckett piled some more into the front seat, hoping it'd be safe enough. He swore as an 'aet' clipped his shoulder.

Grimacing, Jack held onto the windscreen and the side of the motorboat; the bonnet was slick with seawater and rain, and his boots were sliding over the white plastic-metal as if they were made of ice. He looked towards the man in the water, who was waving to him, but still going under ever second. He carefully moved himself to the front of the boat, and reached over towards the water.

The tarpaulin became taught, and soon typos were free to batter the back of his head and neck. He reached out, but a 'tpyo' smacked into his fist, making him withdraw it in pain. He wondered if he'd just seen a typo for 'typo', before reaching out again.

* * *

**NB:** Yay! Thank you for the wonderful reviews. Though the one saying 'shudder etc' I am not sure if it's wonderful... hopefully it was directed towards the - get ready to make the sign of the cross here, people - BeckettxDavy pairing. I've been asked when Davy and his crew are going to make an appearance; and the answer is, Davy does come into this, but not his crew, I'm afraid to say.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 24 - Poor Anamaria**


	24. Chapter 24: Poor Anamaria

**Chapter 24: Poor Anamaria **

Clara, Abby, Jenny, Daisy, and a few others were sitting by the bar of teh 3 swanns in, looking around surreptitiously for any sign of Jack and Elizabeth. This was where Bill was... so where was their pairing?

"What if Beckett was lying to us?" Jenny hissed, "What if my sunglasses were given away for _nothing_?"

"Don't worry," Abby said smugly, "I tagged him with a tracking device so that _he'll_ show up on the radar. If it turns out he wasn't being truthful, we can hunt him down and kill him."

"Good one," Daisy nodded.

"And also, it sounds just like Will to drag all of his friends off to rescue his dotty dad from every little thing." Clara said, "And he'd probably come in disguise too. So keep an eye out for people who don't look like Sues, Shippers or Pairings."

"Well, there are a bunch of Background Characters who're waiting to do various Walk-Bys, Deliveries, Bar-Working and so on." Daisy said, pointing towards some assorted people, who all looked pretty average, and came from nearly every nationality in the world, and had blank faces and nothing that stood out about them, and even dull-coloured clothes.

"Hey! Cloaked figures at ten o'clock!" Jenny suddenly said, pointing. They all pointed binoculars towards them, which wasn't very sneaky.

"I just saw one of their faces! It was Elizabeth!" Daisy squealed excitedly. "That means one of the two males must be Jack! Don't know who the other female is, though." She frowned. "It had _better_ not be Anamaria."

"I doubt it," Clara said nonchalantly, "Not after what _we_ did to her."

They all giggled.

----------

"Where in here do you think my father is?" Will asked the others. There were various shrugs and shakings of the head in reply. "Alright... we're just going to have to look all over then. Gads, this place is full of Suethor-Types!"

"Will... If your father is being written by the Suethor right now, _especially_ as an OOC character, then you should probably be careful." Tia warned him. "Going into the room they're in while actual fanfiction writing is going on is about as sensible as running through a celebrity has-been party declaring that you are the Phantom Flan Flinger. It'll all end in trouble." She shook her head.

"...Alrighty." Will replied, uncertainly.

"I reckon he's in one of the... er... bedrooms, with Marlene, if you know what I mean..." Elizabeth said, "It's in the nature of Suethors to get right to 'the hto smex!!1!' without any apparent plot."

"So you mean we can't just burst in and rescue him right now?" Will asked, looking a little deflated.

"I wouldn't if I were you..." Tia said.

----------

This was bloody impossible! Every time he reached out towards the guy, he was either pulled further away, or he got hit by a stupid typo like 'rgeen'. He motioned to Beckett to move the motorboat forwards a little... again. Beckett didn't really like this whole 'risking-their-lives-to-save-some-randomer' thing, but he never really was born to be a hero, was he?

Jack got hit by another couple of typos, which made his brain zap and made him feel very odd for a few moments. His thoughts stopped coming smoothly; in fact, they went more like; _omg were th ehel is dis sihp goin i hoep i cna rescu tis mahn..._

Eventually he managed to grab a hold of the man in the water's elbow. He yanked him into the bonnet, though the way the drowning man grabbed him nearly sent him flying into the ocean. Eventually they both managed to scramble back under the safety of the main tarpaulin, panting.

"Well, that was stupid." Beckett muttered.

"ekjfadnamdlamsakdnasjf. fjafkjan? haehajnak..." Jack said.

"afjakdjkad! fkjakfalmjaklrmjea... adjhauhafuih." The man replied with a nod. Beckett paled, but continued to wrestle with the controls.

"Great. They're brains have fried." He muttered to himself.

* * *

**NB:** Hooray! Eighty! Whoop, whoop... Sooooo yes. Another update you all of you lovely fans. Remember the next time you see a horrific Suethorfic... flame! Uh, not that I'm encouraging unfriendly behaviour on the site... cough. Perhaps you should rename it 'constructive critisism'. Seriously, I die a little every time my eyes are nearly burned away by a blatant Sue...

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 25 - Captain Ettle**


	25. Chapter 25: Captain Ettle

**Chapter 25: Captain Ettle**

Will, Elizabeth, James and Tia seated themselves at a table in a shady corner of the inn, and after glancing around to check nobody was listening, continued to talk. James was still pretty silent though; he was thinking about death and suchlike. It wasn't a cheerful hour for Commodore James Norrington.

"This mission will be a hard one." Sighed Tia. She clutched the essence of a flame sack tightly to her, as if expecting someone to try and grab it at any moment. "I think we should use the flame essence soon."

"I know!" Will said, "Why don't we burst into the room where my dad is being held and then blast them all to oblivion!"

"That's... insanely reckless and quite violent." Tia said. "I like it."

----------

"Where are they going?" Hissed Clara, nudging Jenny, as if it were her fault that she didn't know.

"Towards the steps, I think." Abby said. "They're going to Will's dad!"

"But that's complete madness!" Jenny exclaimed. "They're going right where the Suethor is most powerful! They'll be stopped right away, and turned OOC in the blink of an eye! I... why... it's... what?!"

"We'd better follow after them." Abby said through gritted teeth. "I don't want to risk losing the pairing again!"

"I agree..." Clara said. "Come on, gang!"

----------

They were in deep doodoo now.

_At least they've recovered the ability to talk again,_ Beckett thought, turning to shoot a look at the other two. Jack was holding his head and frowning deeply, and the other man was... well. He was, in fact, lying down on the back two seats, stock-still. He was incredibly tall and thin too, and seemed to permanently stand to attention.

"So... who're you?" Jack asked him.

"I'm Cap Ettle Isay-Shun!" He said.

"Hi Captain Ettle!" Jack said cheerily. Beckett, however, was a little more sharp then Jack. He gave him a funny look.

"Cap... Ettle... Isay... Shun? _Capitalization_? Is this a joke?" He asked.

"No, It Isn't. That's Me. That's Who I Am." The man sighed. "Sadly, For This Entire Fanfiction, I Have Been Left To Fend For Myself Out In The Ocean – Why Won't The Suethor Just Hit Shift For Once, Dammit, It's Not That Hard!"

"I hear you loud and clear." Jack said, nodding.

"Do you have a brother called Organ?" Beckett asked, jerking the wheel again. Before Captain Ettle could reply, Jack grabbed the wheel off of him.

"Beckett, you're hopeless at driving this thing. Can't you see the pointed nose? Go _through_ the waves, not _up_ them!" He said, showing him how to do so. Typos were clogging up the windshield now, and every now and again Beckett had to reach over the top and flick them away. The boat was rocking all over the place.

"It's the _wind_!" Beckett protested, but Jack shoved him into the back seat with Captain Ettle and took over the controls.

"Charming." Beckett muttered. "Jack, let me drive!"

"I'm Captain Jack. And no! You're going to kill us all!" Jack said.

"It's my boat!" Beckett stepped over to the front seats and tried to grab the controls. Jack fought back, but eventually Beckett elbowed him into the passenger seat. Beckett grabbed the wheel... and almost immediately, the storm went dead.

"Nice Trick," Captain Ettle said.

"...Thanks..." Beckett said, though he had no idea what on earth had just happened. Then he realized something. He looked up. Jack followed his gaze.

"We're not out of the Typoon..." Jack said, slowly.

"...we're in the middle of it!" Beckett completed, his voice oddly quiet.

"Well great job, Einstein!" Jack snapped, shoving him out of the drivers seat.

* * *

**NB:** Heh, I'm glad even the Queen of Sparrabeth is reviewing the story, despite the whole drama with a bunch of Sparrabethians. Thank you for reviews, I'm glad you like the story. I thought I could just do a random bashing-fic, but they can be considered as basically elongated flames and pointless, and I realized that we must administer a plot. And it is in the middle of unfolding right now. Also, Captain Ettle's constant capitalizationizing (not a real word...) may get a tiny bit annoying, heh.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 26 - Within Room 2787**


	26. Chapter 26: Within Room 2787

**Chapter 26: Within Room 2787 **

Will walked up to a door marked 'Room 2787'. This, apparently, was the room that the newest addition to the 'plot' was taking place. He put his ear to the door, with Tia, Elizabeth and James hovering behind him, and listened. He was horrified.

...tehn bootstrap realizd tht marlene was indede teh mom of wiliam!!1 gsapin he mvoed towrads the body on th eflor in front of hmi wishin taht seh had desided 2 kepe herself aliev fro just an lil longer...

"Marlene is dead!" He hissed, "I think she committed suicide!"

"Not suicide..." Tia sighed, "Sue-icide. They don't die when they do that, only cause drama. That is their own little way of attention-whoring, when cutting, getting pregnant by eight different canons and whining at everyone isn't enough."

"Oh... so she isn't dead?" Will asked. Tia shook her head. "Well, now's a good a time as any, isn't it?" He said, gearing up, beginning to unwind the cord from the top of the sack that contained the flame essence. He looked towards the others.

"Be careful, Will," Elizabeth said, touching his arm.

"The Suethor will probably try hitting Backspace again," Tia said, "Or editing her chapter after it's been updated so that she can 'prove the flammers wrogn!!1!' So be very careful."

"I will..." He said, and then slammed the door open, and burst into the room, ripping the cord from the top of the sack and releasing the flame essence...

----------

LOL CLIFFIE!!!!1!

----------

"Oh great, how are we going to get out of here?!" Beckett asked. "This motorboat will be ripped apart by any more typos!"

"I really don't know..." Jack said.

"Also, There Is More Trouble Brewing In The Land Of xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx." Captain Ettle said. "They Have A New Plot Going, And Also A New Way Of Trapping Poor Innocent Canons..."

"All of this capitalization is really annoying me now..." Jack sighed. He was ignored.

"Why, what're they doing?" Beckett asked, interestedly.

"They Have These New Creatures Called Brain Worms That The Suethor Thought Up." Captain Ettle sighed, "They Like To Eat The Brains Of The Canons And Then Turn Them Into Mindless Zombies That Do Whatever The Suethor Commands!" He looked a little apprehensive, "The Suethor Traps People Like Your Canon Friends In Cages With Them."

"Those poor brain worms... they'll starve to death," Beckett said, shaking his head sadly.

----------

The Shippers were hovering at the bottom of the stairs, wondering on their course of action. They weren't at all sure what to do. They had to get their Shipees back, but how?! They sighed and grumbled and argued for about five minutes, before they heard screaming, shouting, and general commotion coming from upstairs.

"I can't believe it! They've somehow managed to interrupt the plot!" Clara said, her eyes wide. She looked around at the others.

"Let's go!" They all charged upstairs, and into the fray.

* * *

**NB:** Aw, so many people want Barbossa in the plot. He's not written into the original plot (well, he is, but only minorly), but I might make the part he plays bigger, he has a lot of fans. And Davy Jones fans, you've got two chapters to go.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 27 - HMS Sparrabeth II**


	27. Chapter 27: HMS Sparrabeth II

**Chapter 27: HMS Sparrabeth II **

So wait. This plot is all over the place. Now usually, I enjoy writing in the sketchy, all-over-the-place, skipping-from-one-character-to-another way, but, well, things are getting complicated now. So for this chapter, we shall follow the voyage of Cutler Beckett, Jack Sparrow, and Captain Ettle. Because it's fun.

----------

"How are we going to get out of here, then?" Beckett asked, glancing all around him, where typos of all sorts whipped around fiercely. The motorboat was dented all over, and Beckett had that sinking feeling you get when hopes are being squashed one by one. He was trying to think quickly, but in a panicked rush, rubbish was flicking through his brain.

"I don't know, half of my thoughts are still coming in crappy typo writing." Jack said, with a sigh, "Can't we just stay safe in the eye of the storm for ever?"

"No." Beckett tried not to sound too jumpy, "I'd prefer living."

"Maybe We Can Just Wait For A Flame To Come Along?" Captain Ettle suggested sagely, "They're Bound To Come Soon." Flames. Jack frowned slightly. There was something on the edge of his memory, but he couldn't quite remember it. _taek tihs jar o fflammz nd ues it in csae off emergensy... tia... sometihng abot a pcoket... dam i wsih i cood fink strait..._

"That's... but we could be here for ever." Beckett frowned, "And, if you'll just take a look over there, you'll see that the Suethor has commanded a Sudden Sunset now." They looked on the horizon, and realized suddenly that the sun, which had been just above them a few seconds ago, was now beginning to dip over the horizon. "And that means Pairings. They come out at night."

"Uh oh..." Jack was still trying to remember. What was it now? What was it? Oh, come _on_, he _knew_ this! _waht is it? waht ma i tryin 2 remmber??/? i dnot no..._

"Wait!" Jack shouted suddenly, still holding onto his head, "I... I have an idea. I know I do. Honestly. But I just can't... quite... I don't know what it is... Something to do with... _jra_... _pcoket_..."

"We're dead." Beckett muttered.

----------

"Okay... alright... does anyone here know what _lkoo in ur pcoket u ahoel_ means?" Jack asked. He and Captain Ettle had been trying to decode what his great idea was for the last few minutes. Beckett had been trying to stop the motorboat from drifting too close to the edge of the Eye, and also ignoring Jack. But now he turned around.

"Look in your pocket, you a-hole!" He snapped.

"I... beg your pardon?" Jack said. "Well, I've _never_ heard language like that before, from _you_ of all people, Cutler..." Beckett gritted his teeth, got an expression on his face that looked a bit like _oh, god_, and then dived onto Jack, reaching into the pocket of his jerkin. "Oof! Steady on!" Jack tried to twist away from Beckett, making the whole boat rock to the side.

"Please... Be Careful... We're... Drifting Into The-" Captain Ettle was interrupted, or more like, Interrupted.

"Here!" Beckett said triumphantly, holding up the little jar with a fire in it that he'd found in the pocket. Then he lowered it slightly. "What is it?"

"It's... the Jar-o-Flames!" Jack said, snatching it off of Beckett. "How did you know about this? Are you telepathic or something?!"

"You're such a- just use it!" He stopped his insult halfway done to shout the last bit urgently, as the boat spun out of the Eye and into the winds, uncontrolled. Beckett reached over the seat and held onto the wheel, trying to keep it steady. A fierce wind ripped through the boat, sending it spinning around quickly, making Beckett feel half dizzy, half dead.

The boat rocked madly, and the tarpaulin sheet tore from the boat and flew high into the air, spinning around on the air currents, typos ripping holes in it and tattering the edges. With nothing left to protect our three heroes (some would say, two heroes and one villain, or perhaps even two heroes and one heroine...) from the raging Typoon, large amounts of brain-scrambling words came streaming down from above, hitting them all over, hard as bits of marble. Sharp marble.

Jack looked down at the jar, realizing that he would have to use it now. He popped the cork out of the top, and held the jar upwards, making sure to hold onto it tightly. There was a second's pause, in which Beckett geared up to swear loudly about Jack's great ideas, and then, suddenly, a jet of bright orange flame leapt out of the jar.

It scorched through the air, burning every typo it came into contact with. It forked, and forked again, following the wind currents, until every typo seemed to be alight. Jack, Beckett and Ettle were stuck in a bright, burning world, with bits of fiery words floating slowly all around them; the fierce wind gave way to a soft breeze that slowly carried the burning words around, as if in slow-motion; the reflection of many a burning 'teh' reflected in Beckett, Jack and Ettles' eyes.

With a huge poof, the typos suddenly vanished. Jack whooped, jumping to his feet, a big grin on his face. Captain Ettle smiled (or more like... Smiled) and clapped his hands. Cutler Beckett looked slightly less annoyed then usual.

"Look... it's snowing!" Jack said, holding out his hands, as whitish bits began to fall from the sky.

"Actually, it's ash." Beckett said, pulling the throttle back on the motorboat and propelling them forwards, checking on the compass, which lay on the seat next to him, before setting off again.

"Cutler, old chum," Jack said, lying back in his seat, "I think it's cruel not to tell you, so here it is – whenever you start a sentence with 'actually', everyone within the area tends to blank you out. It's just fact, I'm afraid."

* * *

**NB:** Ooh, who shall get the 100th review? And more importantly, who cares? And also, a tentacly friend return in the next chapter. What shalt happen? Who knows... Thank you for reviews, again. You are all mucho kind...o. Yes.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 28 - From K to T**


	28. Chapter 28: From K to T

**Chapter 28: From K to T **

The flames seemed to fill up the whole room as he pulled the cord off of the sack. Will's eyes widened as the flames burst from the sack, some of it even rebounding behind him and filling the corridor. There was so much, it was like standing in the middle of a great blazing fire; however, the flames didn't hurt him at all. He smiled as he saw Marlene immediately dissolve into nothing more then ash in the face of the powerful flame.

"...THIS IS ONE OF THE WORST FAN-FICTIONS I HAVE EVER SEEN, IT MAKES ME WANT TO WEEP FOR HUMANITY, REALLY, IT DOES. I WAS HOPING IT WAS SOME SORT OF SICK JOKE, BUT IT TURNS OUT YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT THIS PIECE OF CRAP IS WORTH READING?! WOW, YOU ARE THE MOST DELUDED MORON I'VE HAD THE DISPLEASURE TO HAVE TO FLAME. WHY DON'T YOU JUST..."

There wasn't even time for them to scream, or run away. The Sues, the Shippers, the Pairings, the OOC trapped in his father simply melted away into nothing. And then, over the din, he heard someone shouting. It was an odd sort of shout.

"_Take some o' that, ye good-for-nothin' scunners!_" At this point, Will noticed his father on the floor, and forgot the voice, kneeling down to pick up his father.

"William?" Bootstrap asked, shaking his head as if he couldn't quite believe what had just happened, "Where am I?"

"Don't worry dad," Will said with a smile. Suddenly, Tia grabbed the sack out of his hands, and tied up the top with a tut.

"You only need to use a short burst, William Turner," She said, she looked like she was about to say more, when suddenly she noticed someone else in the room. "It's-! I mean... well if it isn't Davy Jones..." She folded her arms with a slight smile.

"This fanfiction is fuckin' messed up if ye noo what I mean!" Davy said, sheathing his sword, "An' also, ye took yer sweet time gettin' here!" By the way, as for his speech, for some reason it annoys me endlessly when someone adds '-ah!' to the end of his words, so just sprinkle them in as you please.

"Jones!" James suddenly stopped his silent act, to glare at the man in front of him, "I _hate_ you! After all the crap I went through, all you could do was make your debut as a comedian while I died! Didn't I at _least_ deserve a dramatic death, huh, huh?"

"Suck it up, wig-boy!" Davy roared, "We've gotta be off, and noo!"

"What are you doing here anyway, Davy?" Asked Will cautiously, as James fumed in silence and then noticed Bootstrap, the one that had killed him, being helped to his feet. This was not a good day for him, was it?

"Due ta some pretty shoddy pairing an'... it's a long story. Let's just get oot a 'ere!" Davy leapt into the corridor, and Elizabeth jumped away from him with a small shriek as he waved his sword in front of him. "I see ye brought yer besom. Well wha'ever – let's go!"

"What's a besom?" Elizabeth hissed to Tia.

"A cheap whore." Tia replied, blinking innocently. Elizabeth's mouth dropped open, and then she scowled. "I wouldn't worry about it. I think he's been eating coffee beans again."

"Sometimes, Suethors feed coffee beans to their canons to try and get them more hyped up for a story." Will explained to Elizabeth. Davy had already charged down the corridor and was halfway down the stairs before they heard him stop. They all looked at each other, and then ran after him. "I expect that's why he's shouting everything and running everywhere, and being incredibly Scottish."

----------

"Move it, squid-man!" Clara demanded loudly, as she and the other Shippers stood on the stairway, with Davy Jones blocking the way up.

"No." He said.

"Get. Out. Of. _The way_!" Clara shouted.

"_You_ get out of the way!" Davy replied, pointing his sword at Clara.

"Davy. Please. Stop being so rude to those poor people. They have not done anything wrong." Tia said to him, not knowing who the Shippers were.

"Being a fuckin' skivvy coonts as wrongdoin' in my wurds!" Davy replied eloquently. Tia tried to disguise a chuckle.

"Davy, you just brought up the rating of this fiction to T all by yourself..." She said, shaking her head fondly. Ah, she'd forgotten what he was like. No wonder they'd left his swearing and constant Scottish terms out of the movies...

"How am I meant to know what he's saying?" Elizabeth asked Tia.

"Here, I brought this along just in case this happened," Tia said, handing her a Scottish Word Dictionary. Elizabeth turned it over.

"Why does it say, 'A cheap way to let the readers know what the hell Davy is on about' on the blurb?" She asked.

"Because that's what it is." Tia said with a shrug. Then Elizabeth noticed Clara, Abby, Jenny, and the others.

"It's the Shippers!" She gasped.

"It's Elizabeth!" Abby shouted, unnecessarily. They began to swarm up the stairway, but Davy and his massive broadsword stopped them short before they were even halfway up. They scowled at him.

"Yer no' gettin' past this sword, ye tickie tadger!" Davy said, waving his sword again. All of the Shippers looked to Elizabeth, confusedly, who obediently opened up the dictionary and began going through the phrases.

"'Fuck off, you are a small penis,'" She recited from the book.

* * *

**NB:** Hahahaha. I love writing overly-Scottish-OOC-Davy. That Suethor has done some serious damage to beloved Davy, though don't worry, it does wear off. Aha... the introduction of the F-bomb into the fiction brings the rating up to T, thanks to Davy Jones. Tssk, silly Davy, making the fiction seem unproffesional... Anyway. Yeeha! We've gotten past 100 reviews!

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 29 - Blessed White**


	29. Chapter 29: Blessed White

**Chapter 29: Blessed White **

Jack had realized something. Something the sharper out of you would have realized too by now. It had been lingering at the back of his mind for a while now, but finally, it came forwards. And it was this; _the second they get back to the canon world, Beckett would die._ Beckett did not know this. Jack was in deep thought.

He needed the boat, to get to the canon world faster. It was Beckett's boat, yes, but it was his too now, uh, sort of. So when they got to the canon world; well. Beckett would die. You may think Jack would have some sort of reservation against that. They had, in a weird, not-very-friendly way, bonded over their little journey. They were nearly halfway friends. However, Jack was, of all things, selfish.

This is what many people writing him do not realize. But Jack is, ultimately, out to save himself. So if getting back home means sacrificing Beckett – well, who exactly would miss him anyway?

Exactly.

----------

"'Scuse me, Beckett-boy." Jack said, looking towards him. "I need a piss. This ain't one of those unrealistic fan-fics where nobody ever needs to eat, crap or breathe, you know."

There was a pause after this. Beckett looked at him, and then looked forwards again. In your average ship, you'd just take a little trip down to the bilges. However, that wasn't altogether possible on a motorboat. So Jack wasn't really sure what to do.

"What do you want me to do about it?" Beckett said, raising one eyebrow in his annoying exquisite way. He sighed. "Well then. You'll just have to go to the back of the boat and... _go _overboard aren't you?"

"But..." Jack frowned. "Okay then, stop the boat."

"No." Beckett said, continuing to go at the same speed, if not faster.

"I might fall off though!" Jack said. Beckett allowed himself a small smile.

His reply was, "Good."

----------

"Oh no... _bollocks_..." Beckett groaned, a little while later. Jack wondered what was making Beckett talk about testicles in this way, when he noticed a sort of flock of massive flying things... when they came into focus, his eyes widened.

"Look, they're pegasuses!" He said, excitedly. They were, indeed, horses with wings – floating lazily through the air, gliding on silky wings, their muzzled pointed and sleek. Their legs were moving through the air as if they were running on the breeze, and their wings beat the air in a pattern that they could hear from where they were.

"They aren't pegasuses," Beckett said grimly, "And anyway, is 'pegasuses' even a word? It's showing up with red squiggles in Microsoft Word. Maybe it's pegasii? Or the plural is simply 'pegasus'."

"What are you talking about?" Jack asked.

"Never mind, let me just say to you, they are _not_ pegasuses... pegasii... whatever, okay?" Beckett sighed, "If you want to find out what they are, listen to them, but pray to Jesus that they do _not_ spot us." Jack cocked his head, straining his ears to listen to them. Suddenly, one of them started to whinny loudly, and he could hear it's words...

"LOL IF I OWNED POTC I WOULDN'T BE DOING THIS!" It bellowed. The others all replied with their own calls.

"I ONLY OWN POTC IN MY DREAMS!"

"I DON'T AND NEVER WILL OWN POTC, BUT A GIRL CAN DREAM."

"I DON'T OWN POTC, BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IS MINE, ALL MINE! HAHAHAHAHA!" Jack flinched as they whinnied and neighed, their calls easily heard for miles and miles around, echoing off of – well, what was it echoing off of, actually? Oh well.

"They're Disclaimares." Beckett muttered, "Bloody things."

"Disclaim-mares?" Jack said, wearily. "That's cheesy. But still... you've got a point. Some disclaimers deserve to be shot."

"I Know, Don't You Just Hate Those Long And Cheesy Disclaimers? Why Do They Insist On Putting One On _Every Single Page_ Of Their Fan-Fiction, For God's Sake?!" Ettle sighed.

As if in reply, one of the Disclaimares bellowed, "OWNING POTC IS SOMETHING I ASPIRE TO... BUT FOR NOW, THE MOUSE DOES."

----------

It was only a few minutes after that that they saw the Whiteness ahead of them. Even Jack had to smile then, because soon they'd be out. It was an odd thing; just ahead of them, suddenly everything stopped dead. The sea vanished. The sky vanished. There was nothing but white. Jack wondered if going out into it was a good idea; but he trusted Tia.

"You're Going Into The Whiteness?" Captain Ettle asked, worriedly. "Then I Should Probably Get Off..."

"What? And stay here in xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx? That's crazy!" Jack said, shaking his head. "You'll be dead soon. She doesn't seem to know the existence of the caps lock key, unless she's using it to tell 'FLAMMERS 2 SUHT UP!!'."

"I Can't Leave The Fiction I Was Born Into, I'm Afraid." He sighed. "Good Luck, Though, In The Whitness."

"...Thanks." Jack said. "Here's A Capitalization For You." Captain Ettle smiled, and then dived overboard, vanishing beneath the water. Jack watched interestedly, but didn't see him resurface anywhere.

"Well, we're out of here at last." Beckett said, and then they went into the Whiteness.

* * *

**NB:** Heh, sorry if you didn't like the swearing in the last chapter. Also, I forgot something... Speckett?! I didn't know such a thing existed... BeckettxJack. It's equal parts scary and funny. No offense to people who ship it. (coughyou'recrazy) Heh... Also, this is incredibly late, but Cinikimi, your comment about crisps/chips made me chuckle. Sooooo. Onwards...

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 30 - Selfinserting Suethors**


	30. Chapter 30: Selfinserting Suethors

**Chapter 30: Selfinserting Suethors **

"Listen. We're just here for our pairing. Give us Elizabeth and Jack, and we'll leave you alone now. Is that clear?" Jenny said, looking up the stairwell at the others.

"...Jack's not here." Tia said, glancing around.

"_What_? You're lying!" Clara hissed, leaping forwards, and she was promptly pushed back by Davy's sword.

"I'm really not. He sailed off to try to get out of the fanfiction." Tia shrugged. "Sorry, dear." Clara's face looked like thunder. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a tiny radar thing.

"Beckett's gonna pay for this..." She muttered, looking down at the little speck, and then suddenly, she saw it wink out. She stopped abruptly, staring at the place Beckett was meant to be. If it winked out... it meant only one of two things. Beckett was either out of the fanfiction, which was impossible, or he was... dead.

It was a moment of realization for Clara, who had spent her entire internet life shipping Sparrabeth. She realized that, Sparrabeth was just what she had been doing while she found her true passion. And she realized what it was, now... She was a hopeless Beckett fangirl! She dropped the radar on the floor, and ran her hands through her hair, wondering how Beckett had died.

"We've got to go!" She suddenly shouted, and ran off down the stairs and out of the door. The other Shippers were a little shocked, but she was their captain, so they followed after her, with Abby taking up the rear, reluctant to go.

"Hey, smelly!" Davy shouted after her. Abby spun to face him. Davy grinned. "Ha ha, you turned around!"

----------

"That was weird," Tia muttered.

"But nae unwelcome... bunch a neddies!" Davy shouted.

"Davy... you can stop yelling everything now." Tia said to him, shaking her head. Davy didn't seem at all affronted, just shrugged.

"Why has he become so... overly-Scottish all of a sudden?!" Will asked, "It's really weird. He wasn't like this in the movie..."

"Well, I don't think that Disney would have liked Davy running about calling everyone a 'fucking knobdobber' and suchlike. And also..." She picked up one of Davy's arms and turned it over to look at the wrist. "Ah yes. He's had an exaggeration shot. Suethors are a bit trigger-happy with those."

"So... everything about his personality has been exaggerated to the extremes?" Will asked, quite alarmed.

"It's not as bad as it seems, actually," Bootstrap said, speaking at last, though he still wasn't that sure what was happening. "He's been mowing down the Sues with that broadsword, that's for sure." Davy didn't appear to be listening, distracted by a pretty, swirling pattern on the wallpaper.

"Let's get out of here," Norrington said, suddenly, "I have a bad feeling. I think something's going to-" Suddenly, there was a loud roar that resounded through the building.

"The Suethor isn't happy about us pretty much flaming her main plot to death..." Tia said, sounding a touch worried.

"Well let's see her come face to face with us then!" Davy yelled, "I'll pan her face in, aye, she's well hackit...!" Tia pushed him surprisingly hard for a woman of her size, making him bang into a wall and stop talking. He blinked for a minute, and then held up his sword to the gaudy wallpaper, hissing to the wall, "Was tha' a _challenge_, swirly?"

"Be quiet!" She hissed, "I can feel it too." She ran a hand through her dreadlocks, closing her eyes, and going into a sort of daze, "This is not good... not good..."

"To pan something... to disfigure it..." Elizabeth muttered, flipping through her book, "And... hackit... to be an ugly, ugly person... tends to be female... Hmm..." She turned a few more pages of the dictionary.

"Oh, god." Tia suddenly said, coming out of her trance, she seemed in a panic. "The Suethor is Self-Inserting! xXWiLLTuRNeRSMiSTReSSXx is going to be here soon... in person! Everyone, get out of here!" She shouted.

"...Oh my god!" Will screamed in a high-pitched voice.

"Dinnae get yer knickers in a fleg, fannyboy!" Davy said, "We can fuckin' smash this diddie!"

"Shut up, Davy," Tia said. He looked like he was about to protest, but then didn't. "We have to get out of here. _Now_." There was a rumble from behind them. They all turned around, and saw the door of room 2787 creak open...

* * *

**NB:** I hope not too many people are getting confused over my writing. There is a rather notable difference between some English and American words, and the majority of people on here are American, I think... Hmmm... I'll try to make this as America-friendly as possible, though if you find some words confusing then feel free to ask about them... apart from Davy, that is. I expect hardly anyone can understand what he's on about. And therein lies the fun. 

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 31 - Death of a Heroine**


	31. Chapter 31: Death of a Heroine

**Chapter 31: Death of a Heroine **

"We're in the whiteness!" Beckett exclaimed. His voice echoed for several minutes. They looked behind them; and saw that, behind them too, there was nothing but whiteness. The world of xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx was gone now. They both couldn't help but cheer, and grin stupidly at each other.

"And on the other side of this... there is the canon world." Jack said, sitting back with a smile. The boat seemed to be floating on nothing; all around them was emptiness, whiteness. The roar of the motorboat engine echoing endlessly.

Jack leaned over the edge of the boat, staring down into a nothingness that went on forever. It was odd, looking into nothing. He picked up an empty crisp packet and dropped it. It fell away, down, down – for ever. After a few minutes it was just a little speck, still getting smaller and smaller. He started as Beckett spoke suddenly.

"Even in one of the pinnacles of the universe, Jack Sparrow litters it." He said, disapprovingly. "How long do you think we'll be going through this for? I can't even tell if we're moving or not."

"Er – I don't really know. Not too long, I should think." Jack said, scratching his head. Beckett frowned, but carried on going.

"What are you going to do when you get back?" Beckett asked Jack.

"Hmm. I don't know – things were pointing towards Aqua de Vida, but you know, I'm not really one to follow the plot. I'll just follow my compass." He said with a smile, looking down at it fondly. "What about you?"

"I... don't really know. I suppose the navy, or the East India Trading Company are not going to welcome me back with open arms after the whole going crazy and allowing my ship to be blown to pieces fiasco." He thought for a second, "And also, I didn't really make any friends in my career..."

"Ever wondered _why_ you don't have any friends?" Jack asked, rolling his eyes.

"Well, I always assumed it was because everyone feels threatened by my intelligence." Beckett said, dusting down his cuff. Jack snorted. And then...

"Hey..." Beckett said. "I think we're there!" Jack jerked upright in his seat, and looked ahead. There was something in the whiteness – something different. Patches of blue, green and yellow were showing through; just small filterings of colours, but he sniffed and smelt a lovely sea breeze. They were going home! As they went closer, it became more and more real, until – BAM! It was all around them.

"Whoopee!" Jack shouted. Then he looked at Beckett. "Sorry, old chum."

"Sorry? Why are you..." Beckett's breath suddenly seemed to catch in his throat. "God, I feel weird. It's like..." His eyes widened. "Jack? Do you know what's happening? What have you done, you jerk?! What's...?" He put his hand on his chest, chewing on his lip.

"I am sorry, Cutler, really I am." Jack said, "But if everything has to get back to normal in the canon world, then you have to die. It's just a fact!"

"You... you... but..." Beckett's breathing was shallow now. "I don't want to die! What will the world do without my great intellect? And I have plans, I... it's... you..." He choked for a minute. "That's – you – I – ugh! You're an asshole!" He snapped. Then he suddenly fell forwards, and lay still on the steering wheel.

Dead.

----------

Clara was on the _HMS Sparrabeth I_, a deep frown in her face, thinking hard. Beckett was... dead? How could this be? He'd been taken away from her before she'd even realized her true feelings for him! She thought for a minute. Plot, plot, plot. There had to be some loophole. There _had_ to be.

"Clara... why did you let Elizabeth get away?" Asked Abby, touchily.

"Abby – look – I think I'm going to have to make you captain of the _HMS Sparrabeth_ now." Clara said. Abby was taken aback. She didn't really want to be captain, you see – it's a hard job, you know! Making all of the hard decisions and all of that. Big, bossy Clara was much more suited for the job.

"_What_?! Why?" Abby asked, shocked.

"Because... well... I'm not a Shipper any more." Clara looked up at Abby. Suddenly, her white T-Shirt with a picture of Elizabeth and Jack Sparrow kissing on it changed into a picture of Cutler Beckett – ditto her trousers, socks, and underwear.

"...Beckett?! You're becoming a Beckett fangirl? Are you completely _mad_?!" Abby asked, putting her hands on her face. She couldn't believe it.

"I'm afraid I am. Becoming a Beckett fangirl, that is – not completely mad. Or maybe I am..." Clara shrugged, standing up. "And now, I have a plan! A plan to reunite me and my true love!" And with that, she vanished with a pop. She'd closed down her internet window! Abby blinked, and then placed the captains hat on her head, wondering which course of action to take now.

----------

The Suethor herself stepped out of the door from room 2787. She was a terrible creature; she kept flitting from one Sue to another, one minute she had long, blonde hair, pale skin, and was wearing a big red dress, and then suddenly she'd change into a fiery-looking redhead in a wedding gown; and so on. She just changed and changed and changed, every second she was changing.

"It's xXWiLLTuRNeRSMiSTReSSXx!" Tia exclaimed. She grabbed a hold of Davy to stop him going flying at her.

"yea its me" She said, and she didn't just have one voice; thousands of female voices came out of her one mouth, some high, some soft, some husky, but underneath it all there was a deep rumble, like the voice of some ancient sea monster. "y did u ruin my plto"

"Because... we hated it." James Norrington was feeling brave. Apparently, he was going to die soon _anyway_, so...

"wat?" The Suethor's ever-changing eyes flicked to him. "its gr8 u nub!!1!"

"Be careful not to anger her," Tia said, under her breath, "She is the most powerful creature here. She could do all sorts to us." She shuddered. "_All_ sorts..."

"yea tahts rite" The Suthor grinned evilly, "adn now its time 4 u 2 say bubi 2 ur canon personalitys!1"

* * *

**NB:** Dum dum dummm! What will the Suethor do to our poor canons?! Aw, Lone Wolf, I know that you didn't want Beckett to die... nor did I, really. He's quite funny. But don't worry, this is the mad world of fanfiction. Who knows who'll be back for insane revenge...? (A big boulder with HINT written on it just fell from the sky and crashed onto the ground next to me. Not a good sign.)

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 32 - Revelation**


	32. Chapter 32: Revelation

**Chapter 32: Revelation **

"go pairigns1" she yelled, and from various doors, the huge, bats came flying. Will was horrified to see that a lot of them said WillxxXWiLLTuRNeRSMiSTReSSXx, a couple were the dreaded BeckettxDavy, there was a TiaxNorrington too, and an ElizabethxBarbossa, which made him feel physically sick. They were all screwed!

"Run!" Shouted Tia, and they charged down the stairwell. Davy wanted to stay and 'fucking maul that scuggan!' but Tia dragged him away. They burst into the main area of the inn, which was filled with Sues, who all turned to stare.

"Tia! Can't we just use the flame essence on her?" Will asked.

"I'm afraid not..." Tia said, dashing behind the bar, dragging Davy with her. "If you flame a Suethor, they'll just call you 'stupid prepz' and then carry on writing! Now come on, this way!" She threw open the door, and charged down into the cellar.

"I'm not going into the cellar...!" Elizabeth said, "We'll be trapped!" She began to run for the door. Suddenly, a huge crowd of Sues came running in through the door. She screamed as about ten of them dived on her.

"Elizabeth!" Will drew his sword and ran into the battle, hacking Sues to bits to try and save her, but there were simply too much of them. They all spoke in perfect timing with each other, the voice of the Suethor.

"i hav u now1"

----------

Tia pushed open the back exit, which came up from the cellar via a step ladder. She leapt onto the cobbled road, bringing Davy, Bootstrap and James with her. They turned back to the cellar door, looking down it.

"They got Elizabeth and Will!" Gasped Bootstrap. "We should go and save them!"

"There'll be time for that later. We have to regroup, Bill." Tia looked at him. "The place is swarming with Sues, and they'll-" Suddenly, they heard the familiar screech of pairings down in the cellar. They all looked to each other, terrified. Then Davy slammed the cellar door shut, and piled some rocks onto it.

"Rocks? In a back alley like this?" Asked James, confused.

"You either write it, or you get written." Tia said with a shrug. "Davy's always been a grab-it-by-the-balls kind of man... squid... thing."

"Noo let's get outta here!" Davy said, forcefully. "If I see another BeckettxDavy pairin' in all me life, I'll mangle it's heid!"

"Alright," Agreed James at last, "But we have to get them out of there soon!"

----------

Jack pushed Beckett's body into the back seat and took the controls, rubbing his hands together. It was a bit of a shame about Beckett being dead and all, but oh well, you live and learn. He glanced around. Oh, cool! He was back in canon-world, _and_ he had a motorboat! He checked his compass, which was pointing south-west. He turned the boat around, and off he went.

About an hour later, he saw a familiar ship ahead of him, and his heart leapt. The _Black Pearl_! His beautiful, beautiful ship! He maxed out the throttle and in a huge jet of spray, reached the _Pearl_.

"Oi!" He shouted up. The familiar face of Ragetti looked down, and grinned at Jack. "How you doing?" Jack asked with a nod. "Now go fetch Barbossa, that ship-stealing asswipe!" He'd picked up some modern language from the Shippers, can't you tell?

"Ahoy there, Jack." Barbossa said, leaning on the edge of the _Black Pearl_ with a fat-cat-got-the-cream smile. Jack frowned at him.

"You stole my ship. Not only that, but I got written into the worst fanfiction on this _earth_, called xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx, and now I'm back, I've got Beckett's dead body in the back of my motorboat, and an endless supply of prawn cocktail crisps! So _don't_ be all patronizing with me now, if you please."

"Ok..." Barbossa said, scratching his head, "But yer not _in_ the land of canon yet."

"_What?!_ Where am I then?!" Jack demanded.

"The next best thing." Barbossa smiled. "This is a fiction called After At Worlds End, by PoeticPoetry2. It's pretty well-written. A bit basic, follows on with the whole Aqua de Vida plot, but still, nice enough. Not so much OOC either."

"But... but... how do I get back to the real canon world?" Jack exclaimed. "And if this is just a fiction... why is Beckett dead?" He looked towards the body, as if expecting him to leap up with a shout of, 'TRICKED YOU!'. He didn't.

"This isn't an AU fanfic... so everything that happened, happened." Barbossa chuckled. Then he looked a little more grave. "Sparrow. Don't you _see_? There _is_ no canon world. The canon world vanished the second the third movie ended. Otherwise, it wouldn't be canon, would it? There's _nowhere_ to return to. Just fiction." He noticed Jack's desolate look. "Sorry Sparrow... that's the truth."

"Alright..." Jack sighed, "I guess this place will do. Let me on board, will you?" He asked, and he scrambled up the side of the _Black Pearl_, letting the motorboat, and Beckett's body, spin away across the water.

* * *

**NB:** ONOEZ! Revelations! What will the Suethor do to Will and Elizabeth? How do Tia, Davy, Bootstrap and James plan on getting them out? What will Jack think of the newest tidbit he's discovered? And why is the name of the next chapter 'Worms'? Ohhh dear - it'll all lead to trouble...

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 33 - Worms**


	33. Chapter 33: Worms

**Chapter 33: Worms **

"Elizabeth? Are you alright?" Will asked, going to the edge of his cage.

"Yes, I'm fine." Elizabeth sighed, "I feel so stupid. I wish I could have just trusted Tia. But... well... I just always have to think _I'm_ right." She chewed on her lip, and Will was about to say something, when a Sue walked in with a bucket.

"What do you want?" Elizabeth demanded. The Sue gave a blank, Sueish smile.

"Here's dinner." She said with a giggle, and upturned the bucket on the floor. Thousands upon thousands of worms wriggled in a mass of pink, slimy, glistening skin, moving around each other. Elizabeth stared at them, horrified.

"I'm not eating that." She said, finally. Will nodded, pulling a face.

"I wasn't talking to you," The Sue said, her gaze suddenly flicking from the worms on the floor to them in an almost predatory way. Will and Elizabeth stared at her, and watched as she skipped out of the cellar, banging the door behind her. The worms began to smell the scent of canon brain, and started moving towards the cage...

----------

So you thought I was going to just leave Beckett, spinning away on a motorboat, eh? Yes, he died. But this is the crazy world of fanfiction. So after he had died, he... woke up. He wasn't on the motorboat any more. Everything around him was white. There was a chair, actually, but it was sort of... fuzzy. Like it was only partly existing.

"Hello, Cutler." He looked up, and nearly screamed out loud when he saw Clara standing over him.

"Where am I?" He asked at last, regaining his composure. _And more importantly, where is Jack, so I can kill him? _He thought.

"You're in my fanfiction. This is a place where you can be safe." She smiled at him. "I'm no Suethor." He glanced around.

"You could do with some interior designing tips," Beckett commented.

"I'm not a very good writer, ok? That's why I stick to mostly flaming and Shipping. But, well... I decided I'd write one. For you." She leaned towards him and smiled at him. "I love you, Cutler Beckett."

Beckett nearly screamed out loud, for the second time in the same amount of minutes. He leapt to his feet, and looked around himself.

"Well, that really is very nice and all, but... No. Just no." He said, flatly.

"But..." Clara clasped her hands together. "Beckett, it could be perfect! I am the bossy bitch to your evil bastard! We'd be unstoppable! We could take the fanfiction world by storm!" She ran up to him and wrapped her arms around him.

Beckett thought for a moment, working out the best way to work the situation to his advantage. He decided that he would give the impression to Clara that he 'true loved her for ever!' and gain her trust, until she agreed he could come out of her fanfic and go into other ones. Then he would find Jack, and kill him. This seemed fair.

_I could do worse,_ He thought, and finally allowed her to hug him.

----------

"Okay. I have the essence of flame. As long as the Suethor isn't in there, I can pretty much obliterate everything that crosses my path." Tia said, twirling it. "_But_... and this is one big but, a lot like Davy's... I'm going to need some sort of distraction."

"Oh, god..." James closed his eyes.

"What if I get caught again?" Bootstrap wondered aloud.

"Hey, was that an insult?!" Davy suddenly said, only just catching a hold of what Tia had said. She sighed.

"Never mind. The thing is... _how_ can we distract her?" She mused.

* * *

**NB:** Uh oh. Will and Elizabeth are in trouble. Also, Beckett is back... now you might think it's totally random and unnecessary, re-introducting Beckett into all of this schmooze, but really, he does become a rather major part of the plot later on. (Don't say, 'what plot?' - I'm still trying to pass this off as halfway decent.) And a small addition - Lissa, don't worry, I don't take offence from, well, almost anything. If you think the story is far too chaotic... well, you're right, really. But still. It's all in the name of fun. I shall try harder to make it easier for readers to identify with Jack. And before you ask - yes, that sentence did make sense. Really. Ish. As for other reviews - you are most kind. Anyway. Enough blab.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 34 - Whiteworld**


	34. Chapter 34: Whiteworld

**Chapter 34: Whiteworld **

"Clara. You've been hugging me for the last nine minutes. Care to let go now?" Beckett asked, finally. Yes, he was meaning to wind this girl around his finger, but a ten-minute hug?! No thanks.

"Right." She straightened her top. "Now you wait here while I go flame."

"Wh... what?! You're just going to _leave_ me here?" Beckett shook his head, "But you're meant to be a fangirl! You're meant to spend your entire life working so that I can live in the utmost of comfort."

"But I'm also an evil bitch." She said with a vampire smile. "So I'm going to go do what I want while I leave you trapped here."

"...But there's nothing but whiteness here..." Beckett glanced around.

"Don't forget the badly described chair! Have fun now!" Clara said sweetly. "And remember this incident next time you tell me to stop hugging you!" And then she vanished. Beckett glared at the spot where she had been. And then went and sat in the chair, his arms folded.

----------

Elizabeth and Will held hands through the bars of their cage as the curling mass of worms began, slowly, to come towards them. They were rolling, writhing, twisting and turning, and a stink of decomposing flesh was creeping off of them. Elizabeth looked at Will; Will looked at Elizabeth.

"This is hopeless," Elizabeth whispered, "Is this really the end of the line?"

"I don't know." Will sighed, "But... we've got to stay hopeful. Once they start coming into your cage, squish as many as you can. We can get them all... right?"

"I... hope so..." Elizabeth said. She looked towards the tumbling ball of worms, slowly rolling towards their cages.

----------

"This'll distract them gud." Davy said with a smile, as he and Tia walked claw-in-hand towards a spot just down the road from 'teh 3 swanns in'. Their plan had been simple; their Suethor was so against canon pairings, that when she saw Davy and Tia, erm, 'kissing', she'd come running to set her bunch of evil Pairings on them. And then Norrington could rush in with the flame essence and free Will and Elizabeth. Davy and Tia just had to hope they'd survive having a Suethor coming after them.

"Davy... I'd just like to say..." She said, as they got to their planned spot. "If I get hit by a pairing, I just have to say that I... love you. And if I ever go with anyone else, it'll be the OOC speaking, not me." She looked at him expectantly.

"Well, tha's nice to noo." he said. There was a long pause. Tia folded her arms, as if waiting for him to say something. He grinned. "I'm jokin', ye daft ninny, I feel the same way!"

And then they were wrapped in each other's arms. And, I mean, call me an old sentimental, but it gets me every time, seeing a half-crab-squid-man and his reckless-goddess-of-the-sea ex-girlfriend sharing a kiss – some call it cliché, but it's just plain sweet...

----------

Norrington held the bag steady, standing just outside the door of the inn. He was very frightened, but being a pirate hunter had to strengthen the character somewhat, and he was still prepared to do it. More for Elizabeth's sake then for Will's. Suddenly, the door slammed open, and he stepped back as he saw the Suethor step out, in all of her ever-changing glory.

"pairigns1" She cried, in her odd, multiple voice, "get tehm! davyxbekit 4 eva!!1!" She reached up, and out of the air she snatched a pen. She twirled it, and then wrote in the air; 'then nite time fel', and instantly it was dark. The Pairings flew out of the inn door, and Davy and Tia looked at each other, and then ran for it.

James was interested in that pen. That pen controlled all of the fanfiction, right? She used it to write, 'a hors eand cart arive 4 me' and then leapt into said horse and cart, galloping off after Tia and Davy. He saw her twirl the pen in the air, and it vanished with a pop. James stepped into the inn...

----------

"This... plot... so... boring..." Jack said, closing his eyes. "Can't... stand... any... more... long... block... paragraphs..."

"I think this place be fine for a plot," Barbossa said with a shrug. But he could tell Jack's pizzazz seemed to have winked out. There wasn't even that much competition for who was the captain! "So some of the paragraphs are a little long... better then the Typoon-infested troll-tale, isn't it?"

"I'm beginning to think it might not be. At least it was quite fun there." Jack moaned, banging his head onto the navigating desk.

But that's what you get for being selfish, isn't it, Jack?! But don't worry, folks... he'll be back...

* * *

**NB:** Dum dum dumm! Davy and Tia distract! Norrington must save the others! Worms getting closer! Beckett annoyed! Jack bored! Stuff happens! Blah blah blah! Whatever next? Reviews are love. I shalt give thou non-physically-existing muffins. Eth.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 35 - Tee-Ah...**


	35. Chapter 35: TeeAh

**Chapter 35: Tee-Ah... **

The worms were coming closer, and faster now too, eager for the taste of canon brain. They wriggled across the floor, their sticky, writhing bodies coming closer and closer, wanting lots of brains, and wanting them _now_. Elizabeth gasped as they reached the edge of her cage. They all seemed to pause here, as if they'd lost the scent. Then they turned and began heading towards Will's cage.

"Hey!" She said, insulted despite herself.

----------

"Where... are we... _going_... Davy...?" Tia panted, as they went flying blindly down another road.

"I'll be fucked if I noo..." Davy said with a shrug. Tia sighed. That was the problem of the exaggeration shot; it also tended to kill a lot of brain cells. They charged around another corner, and she looked around. She needed to not be captured by the Suethor and her Pairings, but, she had to stay in close enough range for the Suethor to not just give up chase and go back to the inn.

"This way!" She hissed, and she burst through a random doorway and into a home. This being a Suethors story, there was not much imagination left, so the inside of the house was nothing but white floor, white walls. She and Davy crashed through, and out of the back door. They heard Pairings ripping through the doors behind them.

One of the batlike creatures kept on getting far too close; it was quite a fast one, and had TiaxJack written on it. It dodged around lampposts, swooshed past distractions, and just flew _over_ houses, instead of going _through_ them.

"We need to lose tha' one," Davy panted, "It's right up oor arse."

"But how?" Tia was panting too, "James had better hurry up! How much longer did he ask for us to give him?" Davy looked up at a clock tower.

"Only four more minutes," he said cheerfully.

----------

As soon as the carriage carrying the Suethor was gone, James leapt into the inn, brandishing his sack. He opened the top, and the various Sues, Shippers, and Suethor-Worshippers burned to death there and then. Well, in most cases, their internet connection cut off, but you know what I mean.

James dashed to the cellar, charging down the stone steps, and looked around him. He saw Elizabeth looking pissed off in a cage, and a mass of worms tumbling into Will's cage. Horrified, he ran forwards, and then realized something.

"I don't have the key!" He exclaimed.

"Well go and get it then!" Will shouted, stamping on some of the worms, "And fast! They're after my brain!"

James nodded and ran back up the steps, his heart hammering. Where, oh _where_ would he put the key, if he were a Suethor?! He frowned to himself, and then to his mind, came the Suethors main headquarters – room 2787. He'd just have to hope that the Suethor didn't take the key with her...

----------

"Will! Use my shoe!" Elizabeth said, as Will began stamping on the worms like crazy. "It's got a heel... better for spearing." A ghastly smile spread over her face at that point. Will knew that Elizabeth was meant to be born and raised a lady, but he wasn't too sure about that sometimes.

"Alright..." He said, ripping off his boot, and shoving on Elizabeth's gold, stiletto heel shoe. He knew he looked like an idiot, and the shoe was also several sizes too small for him, but he ignored the crippling pain and stamped for all he was worth, sending purple and red worm innards a-squirting...

"I really liked those shoes too..." Elizabeth sighed, when she suddenly realized worms were beginning to pour into her cage too. She had one bare foot; and one stiletto heel. Grimacing, she began getting to work...

"Careful, Elizabeth!" Will said.

"They're squishing between my _toes_," She moaned.

----------

_Revenge on Jack. Revenge on Jack. Revenge on Jack. Revenge on Jack. Revenge on Jack. Revenge on Jack. Revenge on Jack..._

There was only one thing on Beckett's mind that day. He leaned back on the blurry chair. He leaned forwards. He stood up and walked around it. He picked it up, and dragged it a foot to the left, just to see what he would happen. He left it somewhere, and then turned himself in a direction and ran, until suddenly he ran into it again, from the opposite direction. He was fed up of this place.

He sat on the floor, crossing his legs, and tried out some meditation to pass the time.

----------

"I'm getting real tired," Tia panted, as they screeched around another corner. "And, they're gaining on us!" She turned around, and saw a huge swarm of Pairings storming the sky, all of them coming after them. A carriage containing the Suethor was thundering along some way away.

"If ye can't run, ye gotta hide..." Davy said, and suddenly swung her into a small alley, which couldn't be seen from the sky, because of the rooftops sheltering it. It was also dark, now that the Suethor had commanded it; making it easier for the Pairings to get out, but harder for them to see.

They dashed down the alleyway, which was full of twists and turns, and they ducked around corners, dodged through crates; a mist was beginning to settle now; no doubt written by the Suethor to slow them down. You see, Suethors are incredibly stupid, and think the best thing to do when you're chasing someone through a city is make it dark and misty, to 'slow them down'.

They skidded around some dumpsters, where they hid.

"Dumpsters?! Davy, there's a difference between creative licence and plain irrational, you know." Tia said, rolling her eyes.

"Tis a good enough place to hide, isn't tat?" Davy said. They held their breath, and then they heard the sound of bats wings beating the air... it was the TiaxJack, and it was gliding slowly through the alleyways! Soon it became too narrow to keep it's full wingspan outstretched, and it landed with a thump.

"Tee-ah." It crooned. "Tee-ah." It had a deep, guttural voice, and as it's clawed feet thudded on the dusty ground, it's tiny, black eyes moved around sightlessly. Bats are practically blind, after all. However, they have an incredibly good sense of hearing, and it's huge, paper-thin ears twitched and rotated like satellite dishes. It also had large nostrils, which flared as it snuffled on the dusty ground. "Tee-ah. Jaa-aack..."

Tia looked at Davy. Davy looked at Tia. Davy pulled a face as if to say, _oh my god..._ Tia raised her eyebrows at him. She couldn't risk even taking a step back, for fear of being heard. She could hardly bear to breathe, and her heart was pounding badly. She and Davy were in plain sight; however, the Pairing couldn't see them. The smell of the dumpster would hide them... right?

* * *

**NB:** Teehee. The plot thickens.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 36 - Smellizabeth**


	36. Chapter 36: Smellizabeth

**Chapter 36: Smellizabeth **

But wait! You might be thinking; what happened to Bootstrap? Don't worry, my friends, he hasn't been forgotten; while Tia and Davy distracted, and James went down to get Will and Elizabeth, he secured an escape route. He found an abandoned horse and cart outside a brothel, and lead it back towards the inn, and waited in the darkness of an alley just outside...

----------

Norrington ran like a madman up the stairs, instantly flaming anything that came into sight, and burst into room 2787 with all guns blazing... quite literally. He walked in, and looked around, the place was full of drawers, filing cabinets, desks; a key could be lurking in _any_ of them! And how was he supposed to know that the key he _did_ get would be the right one?!

He pulled open a desk and started rifling through it; the Suethor would have used the key recently, so it would be on top, right? He yanked draws out of filing cabinets, and scoured every surface, throwing bits of paper over his shoulder, scattering badly-written fanfiction all over the room. Where was it? Where oh where oh _where_?

----------

The Suethor wound down the window of her carriage; because hers can do that. Outside, was a sleek, TiaxJack pairing.

"wat is it?" She asked, in a thousand voices, resting a hand on it's head that was pale as snow one minute, and tanned like caramel the next. (The hand was, not the head. The head stayed red with pink hearts.)

"Tee-ah... tee-ah..." The Pairing shook it's massive head, ruefully. "Tee-ah... Dave-ee... Gone... Van-ish-d!" It bowed it's head slightly, looking towards it's owner, as if scared of her reaction.

"wat!1" The dual tones of the Suethor rang out in anger. "u _lsot_ them?" The creature bowed again, pitifully, "o well well get tem neckst tiem lets go" She nodded to her driver, and the carriage began heading for home.

----------

"_Clooose_ one." Davy said, once the thing had gone. Tia was still too full of adrenaline to speak; she just nodded. They shuffled their feet for a moment, before realizing something.

"Norrington is _not_ going to be happy with us," Tia said.

----------

"Will! They're climbing up my _leg_!" Elizabeth's scream was shrill as she stamped her leg madly, using her hands to try and shake them off. They sank their sharp teeth into her leg so they could stay attached. When she tried to get them off with her hands, they detached and re-attached to her hand. "_Will!_"

"I'm not having much luck either, sweetie," Will said through gritted teeth, stamping with his one boot and one stiletto heel. They were at his knees now. He was kicking his _own_ leg to try and get them off. This was ridiculous! He was also up to his ankle in the corpses of those worms who had fought bravely but died.

"Oh... god...!" Elizabeth shook her hand madly, trying to get the worms off.

"That good-for-nothing ass James Norrington had better get down here and _fast_!" Will snarled, as his trousers began filling with worms.

----------

Bootstrap heard the cantering of horses. The Suethor was back! But... Where were James, Elizabeth, and most importantly, his _son_? He looked up towards the window of room 2787 – he knew which one it was because in one of the scenes he'd had so sing _sonnets_ to 'Marlene'. He saw James' silhouette, running around inside.

"James!" He shouted up. "The Suethor's back!"

----------

James scrambled through the third desk, and finally came upon some keys. He grasped them tightly, allowing a smile. Suddenly, he heard Bootstrap. And the news his voice brought made him go pale. He ran for the door, and heard footsteps thumping up the stairs. He looked around in desperation and then, muttering a prayer, dived under a desk.

He faintly remembered doing something similar, aged five. In a game of hide-and-seek. He thought back to that lovely childhood. The upper-class children had always known each other; though he hadn't always been terribly upper-class. He remembered Elizabeth, always acting like the little tomboy.

And Beckett – jeesh. He hadn't been that nice. He used to pull on Elizabeth's pigtails and call her 'Smellizabeth'. Which did _not_ amuse her.

He was pulled out of his thoughts by the door opening...

* * *

**NB:** Goodness. It looks like everyone's in trouble. And as for Jack fans - don't worry, he does make a return, just not quite yet. Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble... Also, I just worked out how to check the stats on this thing (I'm... relatively new around here), and it's up to 4456 - w00t w00t l337! If I had that amount of reviews, I'd be famous! Maybe. Hrrrrm. Probably not, actually. Still. 

4456!

And also, I've been asked about the 'NB' instead of the usual 'A/N'. I wrote my first fiction before reading another one, and I thought it would be silly to change it halfway through. NB stands for Nota Bene, it's latin for Note Well, and means, basically... 'just a note'. Sort of like PS - Post Script. Sooo... if anyone was wondering/actually cared about that, here it is.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 37 - Slightly More Resolved**


	37. Chapter 37: Slightly More Resolved

**Chapter 37: Slightly More Resolved **

"Come on, we have to go and see if Norrington needs our help!" Tia said, shoving Davy in front of her. He was staggering more then walking now, and was holding onto his wrist, where the exaggeration shot was, and staring at it for long periods of time. "Davy?"

"Aye, aye... right ye are..." He said, his usually booming voice sounding oddly faint. Then he cocked his head at Tia. She frowned at him. He seemed in sort of dream-state .She was about to ask him what was wrong, when Davy full-on collapsed on her.

"No... stupid coffee beans... don't wear off _now_!" She howled.

----------

"Cutler?" He looked up from the ground where he'd been lying. Clara was standing over him, her arms folded. He frowned distastefully at her, before going back to staring at the 'sky' – that is to say, whiteness that was above him. "_Hello_?"

"Shut up." Beckett said, stubbornly.

"Aww, come on, don't get in a huff. I have a _life_, you know. I can't stay here in fanfiction-land with you for ever!" Clara knelt down next to him, and started fiddling with his wig. He jerked upright, glaring at her.

"So I'm going to be kept here like some sort of _pet_ that you can come and see whenever you want, but dump here for the rest of the time?" He asked.

"Now you're getting the idea," Clara said with a smile, "You're my boy-toy now." Beckett tried not to gag. He realized that there was a _lot_ he'd have to do before he could gain sufficient trust to get out of here. And not all of it was going to be... _gentlemanly_.

----------

The Suethor ambled into the room, yawning, and scratching her head. She was still constantly changing, into every single Sue in existence, and back again. She smacked her rapidly changing, but generally plump and pouting lips and then pulled up a chair, sitting back in it. James Norrington crouched under the desk, trying not to look up her skirt. Great. Well this was just _great_.

He heard Elizabeth screaming downstairs, and realized that she could be _dying_ right now! Oh, and Will too, he supposed. He looked at the feet in front of him, changing from leather thigh-length boots to dainty ballet pumps and sandals made of shells, and knew what he must do. It was dangerous. And _very_ stupid.

_I'm turning into Jack Sparrow,_ he thought sadly, before diving out from under the desk, doing a sort of rugby-tackle on the Suethor, which sent the surprised Queen of xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx flying across the room, and then ran for the door, the keys jangling in his hand.

"GARDSSSSS GTE HIMM" She screeched, as he vanished down the stairwell.

----------

"Will..." Elizabeth whispered, hardly daring to open her mouth. The worms were up to her torso now, and her hands and arms were coated with them, from all of the times she'd tried to wipe them off of her dress, and she was knee-deep in blood and gore, and up to her elbows in it too, "I don't think James is going to get here on time."

"Tosser." Will muttered, flicking a worm that was crawling up towards his neck off. He sighed and looked at the ground. "I think this might be the end."

"Oh, Will..." Elizabeth began, when the door suddenly banged open. They both turned to see James Norrington stumbling down into the cellar, carrying a bunch of keys, looking wide-eyed and frightened, like a three year old who had just had a nightmare. "Oh, James! You did it!" Elizabeth said, smiling at him.

"Get us out of here, quickly," Will said with a scowl. Elizabeth didn't notice. James ran up to her cage, and picked a key at random, shoved it in, and then turned it. No luck. He tried the next one. And the next... and the next... and the next...

"James, hurry!" Elizabeth sounded a little more shrill now, as the worms began crawling higher upwards, closer to her head. "What will I do without my brain?!" At this point, several Elizabashers laughed, though there was no real joke. But that is the nature of Elizabashers.

He fumbled with the keys, almost dropping them at one point, his mind rushing his thoughts in a panic. _Did I just miss one? What if the right key is the very last one? Should I go in the opposite direction? What if the next one up is the right one though?_ He scrambled and turned and yanked, until the worms were up to their necks.

"James!" Screamed Elizabeth, as one tickled under her chin.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." He babbled, trying to go even faster, losing his place, accidentally missing keys... And then, he stuck one in, and _click_... His heart soared as he yanked Elizabeth out, brushing her down, the worms tried to cling to him too, but he ignored them, running over to Will's cage, shoving the next key in, which luckily worked. He leapt out of the worm-infested cage, shaking himself all over. He grabbed the sack-of-flames from James, and doused himself with it, making the worms curl up and drop to the floor. He pointed it to Elizabeth, to get them off of her too.

"Thank you, James," Elizabeth said, touching his arm. He would have loved to stand there forever, locked in her gaze, but he had to pull himself away.

"We have to go. _Now_. I just shoved the Suethor into a wastepaper basket!" James said, looking very, very afraid. Elizabeth laughed, but then realized he wasn't joking.

"We're dead." She said. Will kicked open the back door.

"Come on!" He shouted, glaring at James.

* * *

**NB:** Hmm. So the worm crisis is over... ish. For now. And everything is just slightly more resolved. Beckett is still sneaking in with snippets of what's happening to him in the meantime. I'd keep an eye on those. Or maybe not, in the next chapter...

And thanks to Pink Illusion for spotting the mistake in this chapter... it is now corrected. I should probably get myself a beta... Oh well.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 38 - Bond(age)ing with the Writer**


	38. Chapter 38: Bondageing with the Writer

**Chapter 38: Bond(age)ing with the Writer **

Bootstrap was just about to finally go in there and see what had happened to his son, when suddenly Will, Elizabeth and James burst out from behind the Inn, spotted him, and then dived into the carriage.

"Drive, dad, drive!" Will said, holding Elizabeth to him as they leapt into the cart. _All right, I get the message,_ James thought, irritably, as he seated himself. Bootstrap pulled the coat tightly around him to hopefully stop himself from being recognized.

"What about Davy and Tia?" He asked.

"If they're not here already, it's too late." Will shrugged, "Come on! Let's go! The Suethor's going to be out here any minute!" This prompted Bootstrap into whipping the horses, and soon, the carriage disappeared into the mist.

----------

"What... what's going on?" Davy Jones shook his head, and looked up at Tia Dalma, and noticed that he was lying on her legs. He hastily got up, and glanced around, not recognizing the dank alleyway.

"Your coffee rush and exaggeration shot just expired. At the same time." Tia sighed, "Causing you to pass out for a minute. And now I expect we have missed our carriage, and have to fend for ourselves."

"...Ah." Davy said. "Well, isn't that a conundrum?"

----------

"What... am I supposed to do with this?" Beckett asked, holding up what looked like a pile of leather belts, chains and studs, fixed together in some sort of grotesque harness.

"Wear it." Clara said, sweetly.

"But what _is_ it?"

"Ever heard of something called bondage, sweetheart?"

"Uh, no..."

----------

They'd been cantering through Tortuga for a while now, trying to simply look like a bunch of ordinary Sues, or Background Characters, about on their everyday business. Elizabeth was fingering her neck, where she could still feel sticky skin, and trying to wipe the disgusting worm-guts off of her bare foot. Will had suddenly remembered that he was wearing a stiletto heel, and that he'd left one boot down in the cages. And James had realized he still had Tia's sack-of-flame, and felt a little guilty about it.

"Shouldn't we go find Tia and Davy?" He asked, glancing around.

"I am not opening these curtains." Will said, nodding towards said curtains, which stopped anyone from seeing inside, "_You_ try being stuck in a cage full of brain-eating worms, and see how you like it."

"...Ok, ok... But we still have Tia's flame essence. We could use her help." James said, tactfully.

"I think me, my dad and Elizabeth are just going to try getting back to the canon world, alright?" Will said, frowning. He didn't like James that much, you can tell, can't you?

"Will, don't be so rude," Elizabeth sighed at last, "We can't just leave James here to fend for himself. I don't know _what_ to do though..."

"First, let's all just get somewhere safe where we can talk about it, right?" Bootstrap suggested, leading the horse down another cobblestone road, through the misty streets. He was feeling edgy; this mist was creeping him out. Who knew what could be lurking in the shadows...?

----------

"Davy... I think we should just get out of this fanfiction. Back into the canon world." Tia said, turning to him.

"Yes... but there is that little problem of me being a wee bit dead." Davy said, folding his arms. "I'm not as dumb as _Beckett_, you know!" Way to smash up that fourth wall, Davy. Grr.

"Sure you're not." Tia muttered. Then she turned to him with her little smile. "But you know that I would bring you back to me, Davy. You gave me your heart when you fell into the heart of the ocean... my heart."

"I..." Davy wasn't sure what to say then. He nodded, slowly. "Alright. We can go back to the canon world together."

Aww, it's so goddamn sweet for a ravaging sea-goddess and sadistic half-octopus...

----------

"For god's sake Cutler, it doesn't go _over_ your clothes..."

* * *

**NB:** This is a rather in-between chapter. And also, of course, an oppertunity to put hideous images into your head. Have fun now...

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 39 - Gary Stuness**


	39. Chapter 39: Gary Stuness

**Chapter 39: Gary Stuness **

"Are you sure this place is safe, Bootstrap?" Elizabeth asked, settling herself down on a wooden chair. Bootstrap nodded.

"Honestly, nobody ever comes down here... this is an in-between place. All Sues are either ravishingly rich or poor as mutts. They're either too good for this place, or can't afford to eat out. It's Sue mentality."

"Sue-tality..." Will murmured, leaning back in his chair. A few Background Characters were lurking around, but nobody dangerously Sueish. Background Characters couldn't talk, all they could do was walk, sit, and read newspapers. They were robots; they never showed emotion.

"Where are we going to go next?" James sighed, scratching the back of his neck. He felt... annoyed with himself. He was the only thing stopping the others from returning to the canon world; he didn't want to be selfish and keep them all here, but on the other hand...

...he didn't want to be left here on his own...

"I don't know," Elizabeth sighed, "I guess... we can try to find a nice fanfiction from here. The thing is, Tia never actually got _around_ to telling us how to move between fanfictions."

"Should we try to find her, then?" James asked.

"I... suppose." Will stood up, slowly, "But where can we start looking? And what if they got caught by the Sues?" It suddenly dawned on him, "What if they're being subjected to the worms right now?"

----------

"We failed James," Tia sighed, at around the same time, "What if Will and Elizabeth are being subjected to the worms right now? _And_ James?"

"Ohhh dear, now that would be a shame." Davy said, and after a short pause, said in a cheerful voice, "So where can we get a ship?"

"Davy... please. We need the canon characters. Jack Sparrow may or may not have gotten to the canon world... I guess we'll never know unless we... wait!" Tia reached into her pocket for a second, and came out with the carb clawz in the palm of her hand. "I can see if Jack's there yet or not!"

"Lovely." Davy said flatly. Tia ignored him, and began shaking the clawz, again murmuring into her hands as she shook them, and then she threw them across the top of the dumpster they'd hidden besides not so long ago.

"The... the canon world..." Tia frowned, "It's gone. It's not there."

"What? What does that mean?" Davy asked, his gaze flicking back to her, "It's... _gone_?" He thought for a minute of the life he and Tia had planned out for themselves. If the canon world wasn't there... then there was no way they could have that any more. This was not making him very happy. And Davy didn't (for the most part) get sad... he got angry. "Fuck." 

"Davy... please, your swearing is making this fiction look unprofessional, _and_ out of it's time stage..." Tia was still frowning down at the carb clawz. "And Jack is... stuck. In another fiction. And boy, does he hate it there..."

"Haha! Good!" Davy replied empathetically.

----------

"It's... _Edible Body Lotion_... Uh, just what I've _always_ wanted, Clara..."

"Even I can tell you don't mean that. But it doesn't matter! Time for a trial!"

_God help me..._ Beckett thought, grimly.

----------

The carriage that Bootstrap had stolen was stopped, close to 'teh 3 swanns in', the main headquarters of the Suethor, especially since she had self-inserted. Bootstrap had, again, been left on 'emergency transportation duty'. Did they think he was too old to go into any action or something?! Ah well... Bootstrap had to live with it. Will had insisted Elizabeth stayed behind too.

He wasn't aware of a certain _something_ watching them from the shadows...

----------

Will and James walked into the inn, heavily disguised as Gary-Stus. These are, basically, male Mary-Sues, but I'm sure you already knew that. James was dressed 'all emo', with hair over one eye, a scar drawn on one cheek, a billowing cloak and he was trying to somehow set a 'mysterious feeling to the air about him', as is the nature of these Emo-Ranger-Gary-Stu-types. Meanwhile, Will was wearing a bright green, crazy, anime-hairstyle wig, and anime clothes to match. Also, he had a sumari sword! Gasp at the leetness!

"I feel stupid in this," He muttered, pulling at a rope around his neck, which had the bunch of keys that James had nicked from room 2787 on it. Apparently having a key on a necklace was win, so a whole bunch must be super win, right?

"At least you don't have so much eyeliner on, your vision is actually obscured," James squinted around the room. "How are we going to get down the cellar?"

"I think I know how to handle this," Will said, and then strode up to the bar. A Sue was working behind the bar, with auburn hair down to her waist in a silky ponytail, almond-shaped, icy blue eyes, and pale, porcelain skin. For make up, she'd gone for the natural look – only two layers of foundation, nude lipstick, lip gloss, mascara and pastel eyeshadow.

"Oh god..." James muttered, trying to keep his head down.

* * *

**NB:** Hahahahah. Sorry Will, sorry James. And sorry Becektt. And sorry Davy too, actually. Perhaps all of these apologies are a sign that I am being a bit harsh on the canons. Oh well. Hahahah.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 40 - Getting Emoticonal**


	40. Chapter 40: Getting Emoticonal

**Chapter 40: Getting Emoticonal**

"Excuse me... Madam..." Will had to invent wildly at this point, his creative juices running dry, "I am... Cudoro Hanakadoblobadanulaka... and I am a mighty Japanese warrior with no trace of Japanese in my bloodline, but that doesn't matter because I'm a Stu... I am... on a quest for... uh... a Merkaba Detonator... and... the twelve parts of the scythe of speed... so that I can heal my master, at the... Grand Academy of the Spiralling Tornado... yeah... and my mythical Treatise of Sayings has led me to..."

"Your basement, okay?! Just let us in!" James couldn't take any more of this drivel, though the Sue had been listening intently, nodding every now and again.

"My name's Kiyamara Windfighter!" She squealed, "I've been waiting _ages_ to finally appear in a plotline! Can I come with you?!" Will and James were rather taken aback by her loud voice and excitedness. Sues came in all shapes and sizes; and this one was an overly willing hyped up Mary Sue.

"Uh... okay... well we need your help, gravely." Will said, putting his hand on her shoulder, trying to pull a serious expression onto his face, "My friend here, uh, Arseholeydaga, is fatally ill. We need some, erm, Xinem; have you heard of it? They're these tiny, red pills, the only cure for... Atuntharitis... which he has..." Will wished she'd just bog off so he could stop making up this garbage.

"I think I know what they are!" She said, even though not even _Will_ knew what he was on about. "I'll see if we have any!" She leaned over towards James, squeezing his hand, before shooting off.

"Nice bullshitting," Muttered James, "Now let's go!"

----------

Tia and Davy crept into the cellar from the back steps, looking around the gloomy silence. The air smelt musty, and, for some reason, a stench of rotting too. Davy walked forwards, and there was a loud squelch.

"I just stepped in something..." He muttered. He looked down. "Or should that be _on_ _someone_...?"

Tia leaned down and picked up the worm, which had been wriggling it's way towards Davy, in search of brain, before meeting it's maker via Davy's crab-claw leg. She rubbed the blood on her fingers, and then brought it to her nose, sniffing it. Davy raised his eyebrows in a 'you're crazy' look, but she ignored him. She closed her eyes, thinking of the smell. And then she crushed the body in her hand.

"Brain worms." She blinked, "I think there are lots down here. It's not safe." Worry was creeping into her voice. "Be careful of them."

----------

Beckett had realized something. He had no idea how long he'd been inside Clara's hellish fanfiction now, it could have been months. Time passes at different speeds in fanfictions, depending on how often they are updated. And in this one, time was crawling. The thing about his plan was, could he pull it off? Could he tell the blatant lie right to her face and not give it away at all?

You see, Beckett knew just how fallible and light-headed girls – especially fangirls – could be. They were all hopeless romantics, and wrote stupid OOC fanfictions about how the bad-guy-type-character falls hopelessly in love with their OC and does all of this icky romance crap that they usually wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. And this could be used to his advantage.

All he needed was three little words, and one hopelessly romantic moron. Clara arrived with a flourish, and turned to him with a smile, providing the latter ingredient. Oh god. This was going to be painful. He'd have to try and do this without puking, somehow. Just follow the rubbishy fanfics, right? Right.

----------

"Did you hear that?" Elizabeth asked Bootstrap, nudging him. He listened for a minute, and then heard it too. Elizabeth looked scared and blinked at him. He knew he'd have to go and see what it was. He leapt from the front of the carriage, where he and Elizabeth had been perching, and walked around to the side of the carriage.

When he got there, he saw a figure, hunched up on the ground, fiddling with the wheel of the carriage. He heard Elizabeth slipping off of the front seat and skipping over next to him as well.

"Hey. Get off of there," Bootstrap frowned at the man, who suddenly jerked upright. Elizabeth gasped. She'd never seen anyone like him... er, it. Whatever gender it was. It's body looked human, draped in a dark cloak, but above it's neck, there was no head. Instead, floating in the air above it's neck, was this – :O which soon changed to :x

"What is it?" She hissed to Bootstrap.

"It's an emoti-conman." Bootstrap muttered. "They're always trying to make a quick buck out of passing people." As if to prove the point, the man's head turned into £$

"Was he stealing our wheel?" Elizabeth asked. Bootstrap nodded. The man's head turned into 'SOZ'. "You should be!" Elizabeth folded her arms. His head changed, into the worst of all of it's weapons... :3

"Don't look at it!" Bootstrap cried, but it was too late.

"So... cute..." Elizabeth reached into her pocket, "Must... give... all... of my... money..." It's head changed into O

----------

"I'm getting out of here," Jack said, finally. "I'm going back to xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx and helping the others. It _has_ to be better then this place."

"This place is fine!" Barbossa replied, "There's no spelling errors or typos, a minimum amount of Sues, it's fiction paradise! What more could you ask for?"

"Um, an interesting plotline, perhaps," Jack said, rolling his eyes, "My eyes start burning out of their sockets by the time I get halfway through. I'm going back for the others." He said it with new resolve now, "And I'm taking the _Pearl_ with me."

----------

"so u think taht these stus r da 1s dat excaped" xXWiLLTuRNeRsMiSTReSSXx said to Kiyamara, the Sue who had been helping Will and James at the bar.

"Yes mistress," She bowed her head slightly, "Their disguises are amazingly well thought out, however I recognized Will, even under all of that anime hair."

"omg anime hair" the Suethor seemed very excited by this thought, "i cnat beleve it squeeeeeeeee!!111111" Kiyamara smiled, feeling like she had done well.

"They're heading towards the basement, mistress," She said.

"tehn we cna go down there 2 cant we lol" the Suethor grinned. "ltes go, they dnot stand a chanse1"

* * *

**NB:** Thank you for the reviews! I never knew my story would be read by so many people. It is indeed an honour. Also, Jack and Barbossa are back, bitches! Huzzah! Also, I think 'emoticonman' is bad as well, don't worry, you're not the only one... Hey, it's the only one that fit the plot...

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 41 - The Pearl Sails Again**


	41. Chapter 41: The Pearl Sails Again

**Chapter 41: The Pearl Sails Again **

"Guess what..." Will whispered as they made their way down the stairs.

"No." James replied, equally quiet.

"Guess!" Will hissed.

"Guess what?!" James asked.

"No! _You_ guess!"

"Guess?"

"Just say what!"

"..._What?!_" James was utterly confused. Will shook his head. James opened his mouth to say something, but Will cut him off.

"If the next thing that comes out of your mouth is 'guess' or 'what', I'm going to have to shoot you." Will hissed. James sighed, and then thought he saw a shape down in the darkness.

"W-will... what's that?!" He asked nervously.

"What's what?" Will asked. Then his shook his head. "No, we are _not_ going into that again. Let me see..." He craned his neck, and then he saw it too. Two shapes... moving through the cellar! "Be very quiet," He hissed to James.

"Alright," James nodded, clutching the flame essence like a teddy bear.

----------

Tia and Davy paused, thinking they heard something. Voices. Whispering. They shot each other direly alarmed looks, and stood stock still, Davy's hand on his sword. They listened again. The whispering voices had stopped. There was a thick silence in the cellar now, and this was no ordinary silence. It was the silence of four people trying to keep dead still. The type of silence you could... hear.

"How about we jump them on three?" Davy whispered.

----------

"To xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx!" Jack cried, pointing forwards. The rest of the crew all bawled their agreement in reply, and then jumped to it. (**NB:** I don't know if 'bawled' is used in America. Generally means 'roared', or 'shouted'.) Barbossa was the only one seemingly not happy with the idea of going to the terrible fanfiction, and he said as much.

"Sparrow, this is a bad idea," He warned him, "That place is death to canons."

"That's why we've got to go back, mate," Jack said, knocking back a bottle of rum before continuing, "The others are back there, they need our help, now don't they?"

"_Sparrow_?" Barbossa was bowled over, "You mean... you actually want to go back and help someone _else_?"

"Don't look so surprised, it's insulting," Jack said, furrowing his brow. "Anyway, it's more the fact that it's boring here, but don't tell Elizabeth that. I might get another kiss off of her if she thinks I came back for the sake of being good."

"I can hear the Sparrabethers squealing from here," Barbossa said flatly. Jack shrugged.

"Now let's go! How can we get there fastest? What direction should we go in? How far will we have to go?" Jack was already getting confused. He paused, thinking for a moment. PoeticPoetry2 couldn't have that much of a good imagination if all that happened in her story was... well, nothing. Just some pure, unadulterated merde involving the Aqua la Vida, or whatever the hell it was called.

"Don't worry, we can use my SatNav." Barbossa said lightly.

"...SatNav?" Jack raised an eyebrow at Barbossa, who simply shrugged.

----------

"Destination... xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx..." Barbossa said, as he punched the words into the keypad that came with his SatNav. It wasn't really your conventional SatNav, you see... "Via... end of the world..."

"Wow... this gizmo looks really handy..." Jack examined it all over.

"Now directing to xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx." A smooth, female voice said from a small speaker, sounding a little bit tinny. "Please head north-east, for eleventy thousand yards."

"How much is eleventy thousand yards?" Jack asked, mystified.

"It'll tell us when we get there," Barbossa said with a shrug. So, they set the _Black Pearl_ on course, and began going in the said direction. Jack and Barbossa did the whole '_I'm_ the captain' thing, but do I really need to go into that all over again? Hasn't that particular habit been raped _enough_? Heh, jokes... yes... _jokes_...

"Now go left." The SatNav said, in it's expressionless voice.

"_Left_? Listen, mate, we have to go in the same direction! That's how it _works_, see?" Jack argued. But it's pointless arguing with a machine.

"Now go left." The SatNav repeated.

"We have to keep going north-east, though!" Jack glared at the machine, trying not to be intimidated by a tiny metal box.

"Now go left." Was all the reply he got. "Now go left. Now go left. Now go left."

"Maybe we should just go left?" Barbossa said, looking worriedly at the SatNav. "Seriously, it gets a bit annoyed if you don't do what it says..."

"_Annoyed_? Barbossa, it's a _machine_," Jack said in a mocking voice, "Made to serve the higher beings, i.e., us."

"GO LEFT YOU EFFING TOSSERS!" The machine suddenly bawled out. "GO LEFT _NOW_! JESUS CHRIST! LEEEFFFT!"

"Uh. Maybe we _should_ go left..." Jack said, watching the machine warily. "Hey! How come it says in the machine that we're in... Nywnyynwwnynnnlwyn? What the hell _is_ Nywnyynwwnynnnlwyn?!"

"Sounds welsh to me," Pintel said wisely. At Barbossa and Jack's various looks, he smiled and hastily left to do some work.

"The SatNav is a bit... broken," Barbossa admitted, "I mean, not as such broken, it's just... you know... there ain't a satellite around to navigate it. Sort of."

"Great. Just great." Jack muttered, as the _Pearl_ made a hasty turn to the left.

* * *

**NB:** Attention all readers; my name has changed from the-squeeks to illogical squeeks. For no real reason apart from I felt like it. Ah well! Just thought I would warn you, in case you get confused. Though it's not too different. Yup, Jack and Barbossa are on their way; though I'm afraid someone is out to stop them from getting back to xXoRLXx...

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 42 - Becky's Back**


	42. Chapter 42: Becky's Back

**Chapter 42: Becky's Back **

"Now entering Fleet Street," The SatNav said calmly, as the ship continued to course through the ocean.

"Great. Now it thinks that we've entered London on our detour to Bangladesh." Jack muttered, staring at the screwed-up screen, on which various multicoloured blobs were moving through black space. "What is this anyway?"

"There are many explanations for this strange view," Barbossa began, and Jack could already tell there was one heck of a paragraph coming right up. "The most common one is that this shows many fanfictions, and the black space is the Whiteness, which you travelled through to get here. The shiny, multicoloured blobs are all of the different fanfictions, floating around in the whiteness that is the centre of the fanfiction universe, and..."

"Or the screen is broken," Jack said flatly.

"Yes... or that."

----------

"What... what just happened?" Elizabeth blinked.

"The emoti-conman just tried to use his cute face on you. You've got to be careful of them, they're crafty buggers." Bootstrap glared at the emoti-conman, who simply shrugged his shoulders and changed his face into this – 0:)

"That's so mean," Elizabeth huffed.

"Yeah," Boostrap agreed, "Go and rob that guy over there instead!" He gestured vaguely towards a small figure slipping out of a doorway at the end of the street. The emoti-conman turned to stare. Then it's face changed into :D

Elizabeth and Bootstrap watched the emoti-conman stalk off into the shadows, in pursuit of the shadowy figure up ahead, which was going off behind the inn.

"Is it me, or does that guy look familiar?" Bootstrap mused.

"Eh. Everyone starts looking familiar around here," Elizabeth said with a wave of her hand. Bootstrap frowned, he couldn't help but think he recognized the man...

----------

Cutler Beckett had known it would work. And now he was free! Yeah, so Clara had said he'd have to stick with her, and he had to come back to her fanfiction by eight. Pfft. As if some lame curfew was going to work on him! He'd already managed to slip away from her, I mean honestly, _who_ fell for the, 'look over there, a kraken!' trick?!

Unknown to him, Clara was perfectly fine with Cutler tip-toeing off like he was Mr Sneaky McSneakyson. She'd slipped a tracker into his pocket. She had a lot of them, and a hand-held radar to detect him whenever she felt like it. She chuckled to herself, thinking of Beckett being oh so pleased with himself at his amazing cleverness and Houdini-like escaping abilities, when in actual fact she could track him down at the press of a button.

But unknown to _her_, a certain emoti-conman had just reached into Cutler Beckett's pocket, and pulled out an odd little metal disc, which he didn't know was the tracker. After changing his face into :D – he turned, and walked away briskly, as if he had had nothing to do with Beckett in the first place.

Also, on the topic of things unknown to Clara, the emoti-conman wasn't the only light-fingered being around here, and Cutler had helped himself to one of her prized possessions. Though she wasn't _much_ of an authoress, she had, in essence, written a fanfiction. Which meant she had a pen. No matter how small and rubbishy it was. And I don't mean your ordinary type. Remember the Suethor, bringing out her magical pen that directed her fanfiction? _That_ type.

All in all, it was a large circle of events that Beckett didn't really think about, or really didn't know about; he simply strode into 'teh 3 swanns in', anger sparking in his eyes at the mere thought of Jack.

----------

"I think... look! The Whiteness!" Jack cried excitedly, pointing forwards. Indeed, ahead of them, was the lovely, familiar Whiteness, stretching away into nothing.

"I told you so," The SatNav said, somewhat smugly for a machine.

"Alright, alright," Jack grumbled. They were about to sail off through the Whiteness, when suddenly, there was a poof of smoke, and feathers. In the middle, appeared a skinny, teenage girl, with hair in a long ponytail and black-rimmed glasses on. She looked around the _Pearl_.

"Excuse me. I am the authoress of this fanfiction, and you do not have permission to leave," She said with a frown. Jack and Barbossa shot each other alarmed looks. It was PoeticPoetry2! Why did everyone insist on self-inserting at the worst possible time?!

"But we 'ave to go save Elizabeth and our dear whelp Willy." Jack explained. "You're a fangirl, right? You know we have to go help 'em?"

"I'm sorry, but you can't. This is my story. You have to go and find the Aqua la Vida, and then argue over who's captain of the _Pearl_, and then bump into Elizabeth who is pregnant and looking to tell Will somehow. That's the plot." She wrinkled her nose, "Since when did you have a choice about it?"

"Listen you silly girl, they could be dying now!" Jack exclaimed. "We have to go!"

"You are _not going anywhere_," PoeticPoetry2 had a more threatening tone to her voice now. "You are going to find the Aqua la Vida. And I am staying here with you until you realize your place. Which is _not_ out there!" She gestured to the Whiteness. Barbossa and Jack both scowled at her.

"We ain't gonna let her tell us what to do, right?" Jack hissed to Barbossa.

"Of course not," Barbossa said with a smirk.

----------

"Do you think they're gone now?" James whispered to Will, tugging on his sleeve.

"I doubt it," Will hissed in reply, "Now shut up! They might hear us!" He squinted through the darkness, glancing left and right. There was hardly any light. He looked down to where he'd seen the two shapes – they were gone now. This made him nervous. He chewed on his lip for a moment, trying to come up with something to do.

"Let's look for Tia and Davy," James whispered.

"It doesn't look like they're here. Let's just go back..." Will replied.

"No, we can't go back!" James was whispering urgently, "We have to find Tia and Davy if they're in here! They're our only hope of getting out of this fanfic alive!"

"How about getting out of this _cellar_ alive?" Will asked under his breath. "Trust me, I don't like the way it feels in here. We should get out. Like, _now_." He tried to pull James towards the steps up to the bar behind them, but James stood his ground.

At this point, they were jumped on, and James, Will, Tia and Davy all shouted in unison.

* * *

**NB:** Thank you, you lovely reviewers you. There were an awful lot of 'you's in that sentence. Anyway... see you next time. Things are getting confused in the cellars...

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 43 - Beware of Bear**


	43. Chapter 43: Beware of Bear

**Chapter 43: Beware of Bear **

Elizabeth and Bootstrap were back to sitting on the front of the carriage, bored. _I know Will means what's best for me, but it's so sexist,_ Elizabeth thought tiredly. _I know Will means what's best for me, but it's so ageist,_ Bootstrap thought, almost at the exact same time as Elizabeth.

Just then, they saw the emoti-conman skipping past. The face turned into and he gave them a thumbs up, before skipping off around a corner. Obviously he'd gotten _something_. They had no idea how close to being seen by Beckett they'd just been.

----------

"Come on, mistress, down this way!" Kiyamara cried, her cheeks flushing at the thought of a kill. A very violent race, are Mary Sues. They seem harmless enough when first encountered, but once they have their minds set on something... dear god. It's just not something you'd like, okay?

"k lets get tehm" xXWiLLTuRNeRSMiSTReSSXx was very excited at the prospect of cornering the canons at last. However, she needed to make some last minute preparations first...

----------

_Why do I get talked into these things?_ Jack thought to himself, cursing his not-thinking-about-what-he's-letting-himself-into attitude. Sure, Barbossa made it _seem_ simple when he explained it to him, but Jack was pretty sure Barbossa did _not_ have his best interests at heart. Barbossa got to go and prepare a dinghy, and Jack? Well, _he_ had to be the one going to steal a certain something off of PoeticPoetry2.

Any author's pen is a very important thing for them. Everyone has a pen in them – be it big or small, fancy or plain, modern or nothing more then a quill. This pen is your ability to put your feelings, thoughts and ideas from your mind to paper; the voice with which to speak your mind. Without it, trying to write something would end up in utter garbageification; nothing would come out right. It's not your imagination, as such – it's how you let your imagination _out_.

If Jack and Barbossa were to get their hands on one, well – who knew what havoc they could cause? Of course, in the bizarre world of xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx, the pen's powers would be weakened; but they would be there nonetheless. Jack had seen PoeticPoetry2's pen; it was plain white, with 'PoeticPoetry2' written on it in a boring font like arial, and it had a ball-point for a nib. Jack had seen many – pink, fluffy pens with feathers sticking out of the top, and black, ruby-studded ones with skulls etched onto the metal. It all depended on what the author was like.

Jack pulled open the cabin door, glancing around. This was the place PoeticPoetry2 had decided to make herself comfortable, as she made sure nobody tried to escape. Authors could, in general, see everything that went on inside their fanfiction; but they rarely checked over the pages, because, well – how could something have gotten there that they had not written, right? However, while they look a way, disgruntled characters such as Jack, Will and Davy Jones found ways to write the stories themselves. It's just one of those things.

PoeticPoetry2 was sprawled on a _chaise longue_, going through a leather-bound book with _Reviews_ written on the front. Occasionally she would frown and rip out a page, or start furiously scrawling back. The pen was on a side-table, right next to her. In fact, her arm was leaning on it, inches from the pen. Jack rolled his eyes. Couldn't she leave it somewhere easy? Say, under the table? Ugh.

Frowning, he slipped into the room, and quietly walked around behind a couple of filing cabinets, which PoeticPoetry2 had somehow zapped onto the _Pearl_. Probably using her pen again... He crept around them, and then over behind a large dining table, taking low, long steps, his head just below the top of the table. He glanced around the cabin – the furniture was mostly wooden and rustic, and occasionally a rug was thrown about on the floor. This gave him an idea.

He picked a cushion off of a chair, and holding it above his head, crept forwards until he came to a bearskin rug. The authoress had her back to him, but he had to be cautious anyway. He looked down at the rug... it was about the right size. As silently as he could manage, he got on the floor and slid under the bearskin rug, his face peering out from under the chin of the dead bear.

Wriggling on his belly, he crawled forwards, though every time PoeticPoetry2 glanced up from her reviews book, he'd have to throw himself into the floor and look as nonchalant and bear-like as possible, just in case she turned around. She was, however, engrossed in her reviews. He crept up to the side table, and reached up, groping for the pen. Then, PoeticPoetry2 reached over to the desk, picking up her pen deftly, and began scribbling on the reviews page.

Jack flexed his fingers for a moment, and then withdrew his hand, lying on the floor wearing his, _I don't get paid enough for this_ expression, which may have been because he wasn't getting paid full stop, and then waited for her to replace the pen on the side table. This time, deciding to not hesitate, he grabbed the pen, shoved it up his sleeve, and then slid away across the wooden floor, opening the door, which creaked. PoeticPoetry2 looked up.

What she saw was a bear throwing open the door and charging out onto the deck on it's two back legs. She leapt to her feet, reaching for her pen, and then found it gone. Her eyes widened, and she looked at the table, and then searched under it, and under the _chaise longue_. Eventually, she realized there was only one conclusion.

A bear had just snuck into the cabin and eaten her pen!

Wait. That made no sense whatsoever. She dashed up to a filing cabinet, opened up a drawer marked 'After At Worlds End', the story she was in at the moment, and flipped through the pages. There! At the end! Jack had nicked her pen dressed as a bear! She considered hitting backspace and rewriting it so everything went according to plan, but knowing Jack he'd just carry on doing the same thing over and over again regardless.

Gritting her teeth, she ran out of the cabin after the bear/Jack.

* * *

**NB:** Shameless plugging time! Because I have found a story that I absolutely adore! It is called Forgotten, and it is by an author called Topgallant. It is about Davy's crew. Lalala, shameless plug, etc. Hmm, meanwhile; pens, Kiyamara, Elizabeth boredom and bearskin rugs. PoeticPoetry2 shall get her revenge! Aaanyway.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 44 - Penman**


	44. Chapter 44: Penman

**Chapter 44: Penman **

"Are we ready to go?" Jack asked, leaping into the dinghy with Barbossa, who just rolled his yellowy eyes.

"Yes. Do ye 'ave the pen?" Barbossa asked, peering interestedly.

"Yes. Now, before we go anywhere, I have a question," Jack looked at the tiny longboat dinghy-type thing, which he and Barbossa were going to xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx in. "I thought you didn't want to come to the other fic. Why are you coming with me? You hate me. And you hate the fic."

"Well, actually, I wanted to get out of this hell too," Barbossa said with a shrug, "I was just going to find out how to get out of here, and then leave ye here."

"Oh, great." Jack muttered, "But then why didn't you leave before me already?"

"The pen," Barbossa said, reaching out for it. Jack clutched it protectively. "Ye don't understand how powerful it is. We could rule fictions with it. Sure, it wont be as powerful out of it's own fiction, but we could write practically anything. Make ourselves rich, perfect, with tonnes of precious money..." Barbossa's eyes glinted as he spoke of money, his mind filled with the gleam of gold coins on velvet, bathed in rich candlelight.

"So the only thing keeping you from throwing me overboard and sailing off into the Whiteness without me right now is this pen. Alright then." Jack held the pen closely to him, cradling it like a teddy bear, "Well I'm not letting go of it."

"And so, we both have to go." He nodded his head towards the Whiteness. "If you'll do the honours, Jack."

"No... I see your game, Hector," Jack said, giving him a sly look. Barbossa rolled his eyes. "You want me to sail so I'll lose concentration on the pen for a moment and then you can snatch it, throw me overboard and sail away!"

"I'm not about to do that," Barbossa leaned forwards with a savage grin, "You have _my word_."

"Since when has that counted for anything?" Jack demanded. "No, I am the captain. Because I have the pen!"

"No, that makes you penman." Barbossa muttered resentfully, quoting Jack, but he took the oars anyhow. Sometimes, it was easier to just agree, then try to right the eccentric logic that Jack possessed.

Soon, they were at the Whiteness again – this time, with the help of Jack's compass, as opposed to the rude SatNav system. Though Jack's compass would occasionally stray back towards the _Pearl_ lovingly, he'd have to right it with a quick shake, sighing about losing his lovely boat once again. _It's not the real one. It's not the real _Pearl_... right?_ He kept thinking to himself.

And then they were engulfed in the Whiteness.

----------

"This is queer," Barbossa said, glancing around at the nothingness that surrounded them.

"So are you," Jack said under his breath. Barbossa heard him, and turned his sharp blue eyes to him, a frown cutting his forehead. (Not literally, fools...)

"I meant it in the sense that it's _weird_, Jack," Barbossa said unpleasantly, "Unlike _some_, I still stick to the good, old-fashioned language... still remember it, Jack?" He added a mocking tone to his voice, "Or has all of this non-canon adventure turned you... OOC?"

"I'm not OOC," Jack snapped, "I just happen to have learned a lot of new words since being stuck in xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx. Like you. Beforehand, we wouldn't know what a fanfiction, OOC, pairing, Sue, or _anything like that_ was. Those were good times, eh?"

"Per'aps. But those times are gone now... unless they make a fourth movie. Which, maybe, will undo all of the damage some of these fanfictions have done. But until the fourth movie comes out – if it ever does – we 'ave nowhere to go. With our very own pen... we can find an easy fanfiction, chuck out the author, and make it our own." Barbossa grinned, "And then we'll have our own paradise."

"Hmm..." Jack thought for a minute. By no means was it any adventure, but it sure did sound nice, being able to control his own fate for once.

----------

"Tia?"

"Will?"

"James?"

"_Davy_?" There was a lot of confusion going on in the cellar of 'teh 3 swanns in'. After a brief struggle, which had ended up with all of them falling down a short flight of stairs together and landing in a crumpled heap at the bottom, they all finally recognized each others faces in the diminutive amount of light that had managed to struggle into the dank cellar.

"You're crushing my face, Davy," James said in a muffled voice, who was at the bottom of this neat little pile-up, with Davy's claw smushing half of his face into the floor. Davy picked himself up, and helped Tia up too. They'd both been on top. Will and James lay on the stone floor, groaning and checking for broken bones.

"Ahh, stop being such _wimps_." Davy said airily, waving his crab claw, "A small tumble never hurt _anyone_." Will managed to sit himself up, aiming a glare at Davy. James was still complaining about not being able to feel his legs.

"We are not being wimps," Will said, sticking his nose up, "We risked everything to come down here and look for you."

"And in place of an apology _or a thanks_, we get you telling us to shut up. That's just charming, that is." James sat up and righted his wig. Davy rolled his eyes, and Tia pulled James and Will to their feet.

"We came to look for you!" She said, clasping her hands.

"adn now ive com lookin 4 _u_" Came a scary, multi-voice from the cellar stairs. It appeared that the Suethor had mastered the finer points of italicisation, so she had another format to rape apart from relentless bolding.

"Squee!" Kiyamara squealed from behind the Suethor, clapping her little hands in delight. "I bagsy James, okay?!"

* * *

**NB:** Heeeere's the next chapter. Pink Illusion has brought up a good point; yes, Jack has recovered his memory by now. I have - hopefully - been bringing back his memories and knowledge little by little. But maybe I'm just a terrible writer. Who knows?

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 45 - Squawking Fun**


	45. Chapter 45: Squawking Fun

**Chapter 45: Squawking Fun **

Soon, they were reaching the end of the Whiteness. And this was where proceedings sort of screwed up. Instead of the dingy landing harmlessly in the ocean like last time, this time it had to be awkward, and they fell from the sky, and the dinghy landed in the middle of an island, the boat shattering over the sand.

Splinters of base, bits of mast and chunks of oars flew over the pale sand, cracking loudly and landing with a whoomph, throwing Jack and Barbossa to the ground. Jack scrabbled for the pen, and then kept it close to him, shooting a triumphant look to Barbossa, who raised his eyebrows.

"Damn," Jack muttered, realizing that they were stranded on a tiny island that he could actually walk around in five steps. He and Barbossa were sat on the ground. He realized that they probably wouldn't be able to even lie down without having their legs halfway to another country. "Any plans, Hector?" He asked, and then chuckled. He couldn't help himself. It was just the name... Hector.

"No... not as such." Barbossa replied. Suddenly, a flock of brightly coloured birds dived from the sky, landing all over the island, covering Barbossa and Jack's shoulders, heads and legs, and peppering the island. They squawked for a bit, ruffling their feathers. Jack went a bit paler then usual.

"Oh no..." He breathed. "Not now." Barbossa looked at him, wondering what was wrong with Jack.

"What's wrong with these?" He asked. He, personally, thought they were rather cute. He stroked the beak of one, which seemed to grin back at him, somewhat manically.

"These are par&rots." Jack said, as quietly a he could, without moving his mouth. "Don't say anything. Don't move too fast. Don't do _anything_ that might set them off."

"Parrots? Jack, these aren't dangerous in particular..." Barbossa smirked, and stroked his par&rot's beak again, just to see the look of mingled fear and annoyance spread over Jack's face, as if indignant that Barbossa wasn't listening to him.

"Not parrots, fool," Jack said, again trying to move his lips as little as possible. "Par&rots."

"What's the difference?" Barbossa asked with a tilt of the head.

"Par&rots are special. They can annoy someone to _death_, Barbossa. I kid you not. We have to get rid of them somehow." Jack looked at the assortment of birds as if they were monsters of some sort. They were tiny; each one couldn't be any bigger then Barbossa's pointing finger. Barbossa took his hand off of the beak of the one on the brim of his hat, but it was too late.

"R&R PLZ!" The par&rot suddenly bawled. "R&R R&R PLZ R&R WANT R&R PLZ PLZ R&R!" As it squawked in a loud and infuriating voice, every single other par&rot joined in with the call. Despite their size, their calls were loud to the point of deafening. "PLZ R&R!"

"Dear god," Barbossa muttered. Jack had flopped backwards into the sand, pulling his bandana down over his ears.

----------

"It's the Suethor!" Will cried theatrically. There was, of course, absolutely no need for him to tell the others that. However, unnecessary cries of introduction have been plentiful in this story, for the slower readers who somehow can't tell who has just walked into the room, despite me practically giving it away. _Anyway_.

"Shit," Davy said. There was not much else that could be said, so nothing more was said on the matter. Davy pulled out a sword, Will the sack-o-flames, Tia some carb clawz and as for James... erm, nothing. This was already looking one-sided.

"foolz u neva had a chanse" xXWiLLTuRNeRSMiSTReSSXx grinned, her many flickering forms all had the same smug expression etched onto their faces. She pulled out her pen, pointing it at them, before beginning to twirl it in her hands, baton-style. Her pen was a garish shade of bright pink, with blindingly bright purple stars tackily stuck all over it. Some them appeared to be peeling off.

"I can barely understand her through the typos..." James said, squinting and tilting his head, as if it would help him understand.

"u will do wat i say, wen i say it, coz u r myn" The Suethor sneered, her pen still a-swirling, and began making her way down the cellar steps, slowly, and somewhat threateningly for someone who looked like a million different beautiful, innocent, harmless girls. But you also have to remember that she also looked like a million different beautiful, devilish bondage-loving girls too. There are so many types of Sue.

"Because we're myn?" Tia asked.

"Why are we just standing here?" Will muttered.

"I don't really know..." James replied.

"Let's just make for the exit at the back of the cellar, yes?" Davy said, raising one brow. They all took one step backwards as the Suethor continued walking calmly down the steps. "Just turn and run for it."

"I don't think... Davy, wouldn't the Suethor _know_ about the back exit?" Tia asked. Then Will darted backwards, and the rest followed suit, even Tia, not wanting to be left alone in a cellar with the Suethor. But even as they were clambering up the step-ladder, they could tell something was wrong. The Suethor emitted a scary, many-voiced chuckle behind them.

Will came face to face with a pairing bat, which pushed it's long snout towards him. With a squeal, he tumbled back down the stepladder, causing another pile-up on the stone floor at the bottom. The pairing seemed to smirk, and it settled itself down on the exit, it's nose lifted triumphantly. The Suethor laughed behind them.

She'd reached the bottom of the steps. Kiyamara giggled and hopped from one foot to the other behind her, dull eyes glittering at the prospect of four canon characters – soon to be theirs.

* * *

**NB:** Haha. More trouble in store for our dear characters. And here's one for old times sake... R&R PLZZZZZ!!!!1!111

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 45 - Jack and Barbie's Voyage**


	46. Chapter 46: Jack and Barbie's Voyage

**Chapter 46: Jack and Barbie's Voyage**

"I SHALL OWN POTC ONE DAY BUT UNTIL THEN, IT'S DISNEYS." Came a bellowing voice from above. Jack and Barbossa were already half-crazy from the par&rots, and now look who'd decided to drop in. The Disclaimare dropped down from the sky, her velvety wings coming to a halt, as she landed on the sandy outcrop next to Jack with a soft thump, her hooves clomping on the sand.

"Not Disclaimares too," Jack sighed. The peagasus-like creature pushed down her snout and nuzzled Jack's shoulder, before taking a nip at one of his dreadlocks. She was a dark brown horse, standing proudly, with white markings over her face and back legs. Jack sat up, cocking his head. "What is it, darlin'?" He asked the horse.

"Jack. Not the time to catch up on your ex-girlfriends," Barbossa commented. Just then, another Disclaimare from the herd dropped down, landing nearly on top of Barbossa. She was grey-coloured with white speckles; this breed has a name but I forgot it. I think it is 'Dapple Grey'. Anyway, she closed her mouth around Barbossa's ostrich-feathered hat, lifting it high in the air with a toss of her head. "Oi!" Barbossa scrambled to his feet, snatching the hat out of her mouth.

She butted him gently with her head, pushing him back towards her side. She tilted her head, her large, brown eyes fixed calmly on him. He pause for a minute, thinking he understood. She nudged him again, flicking her tail demurely.

"Jack," Barbossa said to him, "I think the herd are going to take us back to land."

"I don't think I trust these Disclaimares," Jack said, edgily. The par&rots continued to scream at the tops of their voices. "On the other hand, I say we get out of here as fast as possible. Savvy? Jesus, that's the first time I've said savvy in this entire fiction. And I haven't even mentioned bugger! God, this is screwed-up."

"Yeah, yeah, shut it Jack," Barbossa said, rolling his eyes. Though the horses had no saddles, and their wings made it somewhat hard to get into a comfortable position, Barbossa managed to mount the Disclaimare in a deft jump, settling himself down on her back. She whinnied, her wings swishing, as if delighted.

Jack blinked, and then tried to throw himself across his horse. Not much of a rider, is Jack. He grabbed her shoulder blades and tried to heave himself on, ending up sort of lying across her back. His horse tossed her head impatiently, pawing at the ground, before giving herself a shake that made Jack bounce up onto her back, and then with a whoosh of wings, she flew into the air.

"Not good," Jack said to himself. Which was true enough, as he was facing backwards. He tried to twist himself the right way, but one of his legs snagged on one of his mare's large, feathery white wings, and she gave a snort of surprise, before beginning to gallop upwards, up and up, towards the rest of the herd of Disclaimares, who were treading the air as if on water.

Barbossa's mare, a much more gentle creature then Jack's one, tossed her head once before taking off of the small sandy island, and rose smoothly up to the rest of the herd. The par&rots, hearing all of the commotion, above all of their noise, also took off, flying upwards, still with their cries of 'PLZ R&R PLZ PLZ' ringing out across the empty ocean.

They were dizzyingly high – Jack looked down at the ocean, pounding and roaring miles below him, and held onto his mare's sides as much as he could, his fingers raking through silky fur. At the feel of his tight grip, the mare startled, and suddenly took off at high speed, galloping through the centre of the herd, scattering them, and leaving Jack clinging to her like a bug.

Barbossa's mare, flanked by a swarm of pint-sized birdies, rose much more gracefully, and soon had also rejoined the herd. Once all of the mares were together, they all gave their bellowing cries of, 'I DO NOT OWN POTC AND NEVER WILL!' and then the entire herd, still followed by a massive swarm of brightly-coloured birds, began heading for Tortuga.

----------

Jack lifted his leg up over his mare's wing, which was flapping slowly and steadily, like the beating of a giant heart, and then managed to sort of sit himself sideways on her, still nervously clinging to everything he could. Then he reached for her mane, using it to pull himself to the front. She did not like that.

With an indignant snort, she suddenly began galloping downwards in a steep dive, straight towards the cold, harsh, unforgiving ocean. Jack braced himself, but just as it looked like she was going to hit the waves, she pulled upwards, her hooves skimming the water. The pull upwards sent Jack shooting forwards, and nearly flying over her head. He held onto her sides with his feet.

As his boots squeezed her flanks, his flighty young mare gave a loud neigh and began shooting all over the place like a hyperactive bunny on sugar rush. Barbossa watched, amused. His mare had been a gentle, old and mild-mannered creature, which was pretty lucky for him. About eighty tiny birds were dotted all over the mare, her head, back, her hindquarters, and on Barbossa, resting in the brim of his hat, his shoulders, his arms and even some on his boots.

They were loud and annoying, but he couldn't help think they were cute. I mean, come on, tiny brightly-coloured birds that are as tall as your pointing finger! He was still being deafened, though.

----------

"Tortuga ahead!" Jack shouted over to Barbossa, who could barely hear him over the wind, the Disclaimares and the par&rots. Jack nodded forwards. Barbossa craned his neck, and saw it too – the slummy dumps of Tortuga, with the smoky smog visible even from up here. Barbossa patted his mare's neck, who simply bowed her head for a moment and began cantering downwards.

The entire herd began coming downwards too, Jack's going so fast that his ears popped many times, making him feel like he'd gone deaf. Which would have been a blessing, actually.

"R&R PLZ PLZ R&R R&R DO U MIND R&RING PLZ SOZ R&R PLZ LOL R&R WILL U R&R LOL R&R PLZ LOL LOL LOL R&R PLZ PLZ PLZ R&R!"

"ONE DAY I SHALL OWN POTC! MUAHAHAHAHA!"

The entire herd went downwards in a gentle dive, apart from Jack's mare and a few other young ones that went galloping steeply downwards at the speed of light, tossing their heads and whinnying delightedly. Jack held onto his mare's mane and prayed for his life. With a crash of hooves on cobblestone, the force of the hit sending up sparks, the horse landed on the dishevelled streets of Tortuga.

The rest of the herd followed in a more orderly fashion, landing gently on the cobbles and clopping along the roads, sticking their noses into shop windows, finding bits of weed that had sprouted up and munching on them. Barbossa leapt off of his mare, patting the docile creature. She nudged him once, before clip-clopping away to join the rest of her herd.

"That was fun, wasn't it?" Barbossa asked Jack brightly.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Jack muttered, his dreadlocks looking somewhat windswept. He pulled the pen out of his sleeve, examining it closely. "Anyway, can you please tell me how this magical doodad works now?"

About fifty par&rots made themselves comfortable all over Jack at this point. Every single part of him they could cling to, had the tiny birds on them. He looked around at them all; they were quiet now. He really didn't want to do anything to set them off again. He was practically bleeding from the ears after the audible assault on his hearing. Even now, he could hear a slight ringing.

"What?" Barbossa asked, banging on an ear with one hand, as if trying to dislodge something. Jack shrugged at him, pointing to his own ear, as if to say, _I can't hear you, mate._ He pulled out his compass, which all of the birds watched interestedly, all of their minute heads cocking in unison.

"This way," Jack shouted, not really meaning to shout, and grabbed Barbossa by the sleeve, leading him off down the road. It was leading towards the inn.

* * *

**NB:** And thus, Jack and Barbossa are back in Tortuga, and heading towards the inn where the Suethor has trapped our dear canons! But what will become of it? Dum dum dumm... And there is even more trouble in the next chapter... enough to fill up an entire movie script.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 47 - Scripted**


	47. Chapter 47: Scripted

**Chapter 47: Scripted **

Davy: What the hell has just happened? (He gestures to himself) It feels all weird. I don't like it. Bloody Suethors.

Tia: Hush now. She's put us into script form.

Davy: ...Why would she do that?

Tia: It restricts the amount of movement we can do, and the description too, it's easier to write, and thus easier to control us. It's a mean trick.

Will: Damn, this is bad, am I right?

Tia: Yes.

James: Well, not _all_ fictions written in script-form are bad.

Davy: Yeah, but most of them are.

James: Point taken. Also, I can't move. We've all been standing stock still for the last few minutes.

"sux4u" The Suethor said with a giggle, walking towards them. Kiyamara was practically squealing with delight now. "im sure dat deres no escape 4 u so dnt even try it k" She wrote in the air; 'SCRIPT FORM', and the letters left a burning mark in the air for a moment, before fading away.

Davy: What the hell was the point of that? We're already in script form.

Tia: Just showing the readers how it works, Davy. (scolding tone) Stop being so unreasonable. We have to find some way to get out of script-form.

"There is no way out, silly canons!" Kiyamara leapt forwards, wrapping her arms around James' torso. He wanted to flinch away, but for some reason, all he could do was '(flinching away)' next to his name. Which was nowhere near as effective. The Suethor looked delighted.

"lol now were r the brian worms" she glanced around for them. She saw a mass of jellylike pink flesh scattered around the cages, "omfg my worms u stupdi cannos1" she screamed, rushing up to her wonderful creations, which now lay splattered over half of the cellar. When she turned around, she looked very angry indeed.

Davy: This is not good.

James: (sarcasm) Thank you for that, Davy. We can't work these things out for ourselves.

Davy: Stop being sarcastic!

James: (nervously) I wasn't being sarcastic.

Davy: Yeah, yeah, I saw that little 'sarcasm' next to your name. Don't try to hide things from me, mister.

Tia: Look, maybe we should work _together_ for this one.

Will: Yes, that might be a good idea.

Davy: Great... I have to work with the shit that killed me, my ex-girlfriend and some annoying military wighead who can't even hold down a stable relationship.

James: Hey!

Tia: Oh, for God's sake.

James: Don't take God's name in vain.

Davy: She's a goddess, you moron.

Tia: Stop it, you guys! This is an effect of script-form. Everyone starts arguing with each other because it's easier to write retorts without having to repeat the word 'said' and fill up the page with speech marks. Be careful.

James: Stuff you.

Will: I think the script-writing has gotten to James' brain.

James: STFU!

Davy: Not good.

Will: She's gotten James' brain! Noooo!

Tia: (muttering) What brain?

Davy: lulz0rz

Tia: Oh, for the love of god, stop reverting to chatspeak.

Davy: Sorry. The urge is too strong.

"ENUFF!!1!!!!!" The Suethor cried, cutting them all off. "now every1, guess what im guna do 2 u all now"

Davy: (immediately) I give up.

"dont b smart wiht me" the Suethor stepped towards Davy with an evil grin, until she was only a couple of steps away from him. Davy seems completely unaffected. The exaggeration shot must have killed more brains cells then we thought.

Davy: So you want be to be dumb?

"yes"

Davy: ...your mom.

James: You spelt that the American way!

Tia: What the hell is with all of this banter? Is it just to distract the Suethor until we figure out a way of escape or what?

Will: Yeah, probably, but now you've said it aloud and ruined it all. Thanks.

Tia: Uh, I haven't ruined it actually. (they turn to the Suethor)

"uuuh... wat. o wel prepair 2 die!!!!!111" The Suethor pointed her pen at them, and then began to write in the air, again in the burning letters. Kiyamara leapt up and down, but then stopped.

"Wait, we don't want to kill them, mistress," She said, concerned.

"o yea hagn on" she rubbed out what she had been writing with her hand, and started again. "lulz i ment ooc rite"

Will: I see your point. She's too dumb to realize that we're talking about our escape plan right in front of her.

James: What an ass.

Tia: Oh, for gods sake, just shut up. Thank god there's a page break coming up next, I don't know how I can stand any more of your bollocks.

----------

Jack followed the compass up to an inn called 'teh 3 swanns'. Occasionally, he would smack his ear, trying to dislodge the ringing. Barbossa was doing the same. The par&rots seemed quite content to simply cling to them now, silently, thank god. He and Barbossa walked in, and looked around the inn, which was surprisingly empty. No wonder, what with James' previous flaming spree.

He found his way to the cellar, and popped his head around the door. He squinted through the darkness, and saw the Suethor, and there was also James, Davy, Will and Tia, standing stock still, and bantering amongst themselves. Everyone loves banter. But then he noticed what the Suethor was writing in the air.

O... O... she was halfway through the C. Crap! Jack realized he didn't even have time to think about it. Barbossa staring at him oddly, he launched himself down the stairs and did a sort of dodgy rugby-tackle on the Suethor, sending them both flying to a corner of the cellar. Kiyamara shrieked, but before she could do anything, Barbossa sauntered down the steps, picked her up by the scruff of her neck and threw her against a wall, in a casual way that insulted her greatly.

* * *

**NB:** Oh dear, script form - this can't be good! But they have Jack and Babie, who aren't in script form yet, and what are Elizabeth and Bootstrap up to anyhow...?

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 48 - Anagram Madness**


	48. Chapter 48: Anagram Madness

**Chapter 48: Anagram Madness **

Beckett looked at the pairing, which was guarding the entrance into the cellar. He frowned to himself tapping his chin with his finger. Hmm. Something must be going on down there. And it just smelt of Jack. No, literally – the scent of alcohol is so strong you can sniff it from ten metres away. Suddenly, the pairing gave an alarmed squawk and shot down into the cellar.

This was his chance, right? He strode forwards, towards the cellar entrance. He stuck his head in, wondering what on earth was going on in there...

----------

"Bootstrap. I'm so bored. Why aren't they back yet?" Elizabeth sighed, rocking backwards and forwards on her seat.

"I don't know." Bootstrap sighed. There was a long, long silence. "Want to go check it out?" He asked, finally. They'd both been thinking it, after all. Elizabeth smiled, but tried to look as innocent as possible.

"Oh, I don't know... we really mustn't.." She said, sweetly.

"Screw that,"

----------

James: pwned.

Will: Something's happened to James. I really think someone should see to that. I mean, honestly, he's chat-speaking, and being all outgoing, and he's just...not James any more. I want the James I hate back!

Davy: Just watch the action, stupid.

The Suethor leapt to her feet, glaring at the man who had dared jump her. Well, well, if it was no other then Captain Jack Sparrow! She lifted up her pen, and then brought it high above her head, as if to strike Jack down with it. Immediately he held his own pen up, parrying her blow. They used the pens like swords, battling it out all over the cellar.

James: Shit! They're using the pens lightsaber stylee!

Will: (confused) Huh?

"How could you hit a girl?" Kiyamara cried, looking up to Barbossa with big, round eyes, which were filling with tears. She looked utterly wretched and, of course, pathetically pretty, her lips trembling as she looked at the sea captain.

"With great ease," Barbossa replied. He turned to the others. "You're all in script-form! How am I meant to get you out?"

Tia: You have to- (is cut off)

Davy: Woah, you're all covered in parrots!

"Don't even ask about these," Barbossa sighed, gesturing to the hundreds of tiny birds which had taken root all over him, and were glancing around the cellar with great interest in their shining eyes. Tia rolled her eyes at Davy's interruption, and she did not get a chance to continue with her sentence.

Will: Please don't tell me they're par&rots.

"Alright, I wont tell you they're par&rots." Barbossa said sweetly, which didn't suit him, before turning to watch the battle between Jack and the Suethor. What was happening here? Suddenly, the Suethor managed to swipe Jack around the face, making him fall backwards into a pile of crates.

Tia: (eyes widen) I have an idea! But you have to keep the Suethor distracted while I do it. Promise me you will. (begins to edge away)

"yessss1" the Suethor cried triumphantly, before quickly turning around, pointing her pen at the retreating Tia and scrawling, 'bad anagram' in the air. It burned in the air for a moment, and then Tia suddenly vanished in a poof of smoke.

Davy: Tia! (starts swiping the smoke away) Where did she go?

Tia: I'm... here... (sigh)

They all stared at where the voice had come from. On the ground was a white dog with black speckles over it, looking a little bit sorry for itself. The dog had just opened it's mouth and talked, in Tia's voice. What the hell?!

Will: Crap. She used a bad anagram.

Davy: Ohhh dear. She's gone from Tia Dalma to Dalmatian!

Will: Wait. Dalmatian has more letters in it then Tia Dalma. Tia Dalma doesn't have an 'N' in it. What the... everything's... but it's... she's... dalmatian... that doesn't even... okay, confused.

Davy: Hence it's called '_bad_ anagram', genius.

James: lol

Will: Shut up James!

James: Your mom.

Davy: Ack, he's gone all Americanised.

Will: What's wrong with America? I'm named after a city in America.

Davy: No you're not.

Will: Where's Orlando then?

Davy: Shut up.

Tia: Yes, seriously, shut up. Now how am I meant to carry out my brilliant plan? (whimper) I guess I still can, but it's going to be hard.

"Ouch..." Jack clambered out of the pile of crates he'd been pushed into, still clutching his pen protectively. "Oh, wow! A talking dog!" He cried delightedly, pointing at the Tia Dalma/Dalmatian who was now sitting next to Davy Jones, thumping it's tale dolefully on the ground.

Tia: This is Tia, you idiot.

Davy: I always knew she was a bitch.

James: Oh, stfu Davy, you're a douchebag.

Davy: I... that's... huh?!

Will: Duh, don't you know what a douchebag is? What a loser. Anyone who's _anyone_ knows what a douchebag is.

Davy: Douchebag isn't an English term, let alone a Scottish one.

Tia: Everyone, shut the hell up about douchebags! Davy, if you really want to know, I'll explain it all to you _later_. Right now, I need help. A cauldron of some kind. Anyone?!

Davy: (pulls a cauldron out of thin air) The good thing about script-writing is that it's not that serious. So I can do almost anything. Ha.

Tia: (pulling the cauldron to the side by her mouth) Thank you, Davy. Now, I need some vital ingredients.

"What?! Stuff this, let's brawl!" Kiyamara suddenly cried. Being men, Davy, Jack, Will, James and Barbossa immediately all grabbed a weapon of some kind and began smashing each other to pieces. Tia rolled her eyes, and the Suethor laughed.

"Barbossa, that's for taking me ship! Davy, that's for nearly taking me soul! Will, that's for taking me girl! James, that's for being an idiot!" Jack cried, whacking all of the others.

Davy: (smashing Will) That's for stabbing my heart, you scunner!

Will: (smashing Davy) Well that's for abusing my dad, you prick!

James: Waah! You stole Elizabeth! (smashes Will) And your dad killed me! (smashes Will again) I hate you!

Tia: (rolling her puppy eyes) Okay, we're going to need to go for something else here. Excuse me, you guys? (they eventually stop fighting) Get the Suethor. Oh, and Jack... I need something off of you.

"What is it, my darling?" Jack asked, leaning towards her, and earning a smack about the head from Davy.

Tia: You know the jar I put your bit of flame in? Give it to me.

"Um, sure," Jack reached into the pocket of his jerkin, and then pulled out a small, empty jar, handing it down to Tia, who caught it in her mouth.

Tia: (muffled voice) Ffffnanks.

"No problem. Now, ladies and gentlemen..." He turned towards the Suethor and Kiyamara, who were both looking very vicious. "Time to fight. Oh, and eunuch, of course. Ladies, gentlemen, and eunuch." He said, aiming a smile at Will. A white spark drifted from him and wandered down towards the floor. Tia dived forwards, and caught it in the jar. She trotted off towards the back of the cellar, to go and dig up some more 'ingredients'.

James: Wait. If Will's the eunuch, then who's the lady?

"You, of course," Jack said.

Davy: Are you calling me a gentleman?

"For Christ's sake, let's just get to the ass-kicking. We've avoided it enough. I know that squeeks can't help being god-awful at battle scenes, but seriously, can we get on with it now?!" Jack asked, completely and utterly confusing the entire fanfiction once and for all.

* * *

**NB:** Damnit, Jack, don't tell everyone! Does anyone know where I can get some sort of tuition for battle scenes? I'm afraid that mine will make you bleed from the eyes... argh! And the title of the next chapter is pretty self explanatory. I just wanted to add it in.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 49 - Davy Jones Gets Headbutted**


	49. Chapter 49: Davy Jones Gets Headbutted

**Chapter 49: Davy Jones Gets Headbutted **

"brign it on lozers" the Suethor chided, swinging her large pen through the air – it was about the size of her forearm. Jack whisked up his own – well, PoeticPoetry2's pen – making a crazy karate sound at the same time. Will, Davy and James also came forwards – Will with the sack-o-flames, Davy with his sword, and James with bare fists and prayers.

James: Hey, wait! That's my sword!

Davy: Finders keepers. (waving James' sword around)

Jack lifted his pen in the air and tried to bring it down on the Suethor's head; it left a burning mark in the air from it's tip. The Suethor retaliated with her own pen, aiming a jab at Jack, who leapt backwards, avoiding the burning tip by only a few inches. Meanwhile, Kiyamara pulled out a sumari sword and began swishing it towards Will, who opened his sack and sent a tongue of flame shooting towards Kiyamara, who dodged it, and then stuck her sword into Davy.

Davy: That hurt, you turd!

"Ohmygod!" Kiyamra squealed, yanking her sword out of Davy, and then after doing a weird little hop on the spot and waving her arms about, she decided the only course of action was to headbutt Davy Jones. He stared at her for a moment, and then collapsed backwards onto the floor with a thud.

James: Woah... you must have one _hard_ head... Oh well! (he pulls Davy's sword out of his unresisting hands) Finders keepers!

He slashed the sword at Kiyamra, who instantly dodged and then hit his sword with her own, causing a loud screech and causing some sparking in the darkness of the cellar, which made everyone turn to stare for a moment.

James: I'm blind! Bliiind!

"All the better for me!" Kiyamara cried, jumping forwards, whipping her sword forwards with the unearthly speed of a Mary Sue. James parried immediately.

James: lol physche.

Will: Jack, pen!

"Coming right up..." Jack threw his pen to the side into Will's hands, in return Will threw Jack the flame-sack, and then turned to the Pairing which had shot down from the back exit, and was now standing at the bottom of the step ladder, eyeing him eagerly. It opened it's sharp jaws and screeched, and Will mimicked it with a shout as he charged forwards, slashing the air with the pen.

Taken aback, probably by the stupidity of Will's actions, the Pairing got a hit on it's wing. It's scales rattling in anger, it turned towards Will, opened it's jaws, and shot a jet of red fluid towards him. Will dodged it, his expression disgusted. What was this red stuff?

Will: What the hell?! I didn't know they could do that!

"I think it's the venom Will..." Jack said.

Will: Oh yeah. Sorry. I feel stupid.

James: inorite?

After shooting James an annoyed look, Will turned back to the pairing, and then in the air wrote, in rather shaky writing, _die pairing!!!_ Will, being raised a lowly blacksmith, wasn't the best of writers. Neither was Jack, actually. The only one here who could actually write well was...

Will: James, catch! (throws Pen to James)

James: omg tyvm! (throws sword to Will)

"Will, James does not sound healthy, maybe he's- ack!" Jack turned the flame towards the Suethor, who screamed in anger as the words engulfed her, in front of her eyes all that she could see was fire and bad words.

"...YOUR WRITING IS A DISGRACE. CAN'T YOU LEARN TO CAPITALIZE, WOMAN/MAN/HALFBREED? INCEST IS ILLEGAL FOR A REASON, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A SENTINENT BEING, AND NOW WE CAN ALL SEE WHY – BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE THE OUTCOME! THE WORLD WOULD BE A MUCH SUNNIER PLACE IF YOU WENT TO PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE WITH JADE GOODY, THOUGH THIS TIME, MAKE SURE TO LOAD THE GUN ENTIRELY, I MEAN PLEASE, CAN'T YOU..."

"NO! SUHT UPP!!11111 I CNA WRIGHT!!!!11" the Suethor screamed, in a thousand different voices that echoed around the room loudly, the rumbling background-voice seeming to fill up the air itself, it echoed around. Kiyamara stopped fighting, and threw herself on the floor in front of the Suethor, her head bowed.

"Mistress, of course, you are an excellent writer! Don't let it get to you!" She pleaded. "You have much talent!"

"You are the most deluded fool I have ever met," Jack commented, before burning Kiyamara to cinders with a single blast of flames.

Davy: My head hurts... (gets up)

"KIYAMARAAAA11111" the Suethor screamed as her wonderful creation vanished into ashes, and floated away in the draught at the bottom of the cellar. They all winced at the capslock abuse that was happening at the moment. "u wil all pay 4 tihs" she hissed in a menacing voice, her thousand voices breaking into whispers all around the cellar, like echoes of ghosts.

Tia/Dalmatian: (pattering out from the back of the cellar) I need some vital ingredients...

The Dalmatian padded up to Davy, who was still sitting on the ground looking a cross between confused and annoyed, and quickly tugged on his sleeve with her mouth to get his attention. He turned to her, wincing, still seeing stars from Kiyamara's surprisingly hard headbutt.

Tia/Dalmatian: Stop being such a wimp, Davy. I need stuff.

Davy: What?

Tia/Dalmation: I said, stop being such a...

Davy: I know what you said, what do you need?

Tia/Dalmatian: Just some... ingedients.

* * *

**NB:** I hope my pathetic excuse of a battle scene didn't explode any of your brains. I'm so sorry.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 50 - Half a Century!**


	50. Chapter 50: Half a Century!

**Chapter 50: Half a Century! **

"Why have I been ignored, you bloody peasants?!" Barbossa yelled, leaping out of the shadows with a chair in his hands. He immediately smashed it over the Suethor's head. She turned, looking absolutely venomous, and wrote _terible songfic_ in the air, and Barbossa immediately started banging his ears, looking shocked.

Will: (thrusting sword at Pairing) What's up with Barbossa?

"Aargh!" Barbossa shouted, "I can hear... Evanescence! Everywhere! It wont stop!" This set the thousands of par&rots off on their shrieks for R&R.

"Oh, buggerations. I can't believe you'd do that to Barbossa!" Jack cried, open-flaming at the Suethor now. She ducked around behind some crates, which were full of Sue-Animals. Don't know what they are? They are the annoying pets of Mary-Sues; the dogs and cats that can somehow understand what their masters say and do impossible things that no normal dog, cat, horse guinea pig, rabbit or snake would ever do.

"Ouch! That was quite uncalled for," A tabby cat commented as it burned to death.

"Quite. How barbaric," A hamster nodded in agreement, and then also dissolved into ashes. Jack blinked, and then turned towards the room.

"I need the pen! Who has it now?" Jack called out. Will threw it to Davy, who chucked it over his shoulder to James, who exchanged it with his sword and threw it to Jack. He caught it deftly, and then leapt over the smoking cages, pointing his pen directly at the Suethor, who parried quickly, darting to the left.

Tia: Davy, I need an ingredient! True Canon Love!

Davy: Can this _wait_?

"SUEEEEESS!!!111!1!" the Suethor suddenly cried, pointing her pen to the door, which burst open, and about twenty Mary-Sues began swarming down the stairs, like some sort of gruesomely perfect infestation. They all looked scarily the same, and they spoke in perfect unison with the Suethor, adding to her millions of voices; "tiem 2 face te fatcs cannons1"

Tia: No, Davy, it _can't_ wait! (Davy is overrun by Mary-Sues) Crap! _Now_ who's going to supply the True Canon Love?

Suddenly, at that very moment, there was a crash from the trap door. Will smacked the pairing into a wall, grabbed the sack-o-flame from James who was in the middle of attempting to flame sues, and shouted for the pen from jack, and managed to flame the Pairing into ashes – from the trap door, Elizabeth and Bootstrap both fell; Will caught Elizabeth deftly in his arms, and Bootstrap landed on the hard floor with a crack.

Will: Elizabeth! I told you to wait!

"I'm not going to sit around and miss all of the action," She snapped, "Me and Bootstrap brought sticks... And what's up with you? Script-form?!"

"R&R PLZZZZ R&R!!!!" A smallish flock of par&rots flew around her head in a circle, before vanishing up through the trap door above them.

"Oof..." Bootstrap clambered to his feet, and held up a few hefty planks, "We can use these as weapons."

James: (wrinkling nose) Not exactly professional...

Will: Shut up, James! We don't have time for professional anyway.

James: oic

"What's up with James?" Elizabeth asked, cocking her head at him, and then she turned to Will, "You too! Hey, you're in script form! OMG!"

James: lol

Will: Oh no! Elizabeth's switched to AOL!

Tia: Shut _up_! (the Sues come closer, faster,) Elizabeth! _Kiss Will_!

Elizabeth and Will turned to each other, each of them a little nervous about what was happening next; but reunited, they wrapped their arms around each other, moving their mouths closer together, until they were kissing – a perfect moment in time. Their love rose up like a water fountain, and white sparkles erupted from around them, spreading through the air, drifting on the air currents, drifting in circles. Everyone in the room stopped to stare, completely entranced.

"noooo11111 ooc!!" the Suethor screeched, and pointed her pen at them, sending a jet of red sparks in their direction, which shot through the air, bouncing off of the walls like fireworks. One struck James in the arm, and it burned like hell. He cried out, grabbing his shoulder, hoping the searing pain would stop soon.

Tia: Well done! T'e most important ingredient... True Canon Love! (she catches the sparks in the small jar given to her by Jack) Davy, want to add to that?

Davy: Ugh, I'm not kissing a dog!

Tia: (sighing) Fine. Your ingredient can be the Catchphrase.

Davy: Uhh... oh yeah! (thick Scottish accent) _Do you fear death_?

White sparks began to pop out of the air around Davy too, which Tia caught again, and then she padded off to the back of the cave, to add it to her cauldron, apparently. Davy turned and continued to fight the sues, not really knowing, nor caring what on earth Tia Dalma – Dalmatian – was up to. However, these were Mary Sues, which meant that despite being girls, they were all absolutely amazing swordswomen; a hard target to beat.

Will: Elizabeth, stay safe!

"I know how to protect myself, dear," Elizabeth reassured her husband, brandishing a large wooden plank, one of many she and Bootstrap had grabbed on their way. "I'm almost a Canon-Sue, so I should be quite effective against these Sues," She said triumphantly. She whacked one in the middle, sending her flying backwards with a cry of, 'I'm your sister!'

James: (excited) Look, you can change your emotion, and it comes up! (annoyed) Grr! (happily) Hooray! (sadly) I'm so upset! (threateningly) I'm going to kick your ass, Sue! (lovingly) I'll help you out, Elizabeth! (thoughtfully) I wonder what happened to Beckett... (excitedly again) See?! It's so cool!

Davy: Stop being an idiot, James.

James: Ah, but look what you can do with them! (he takes off one half of a bracket, and breaks it over a Sues head, who is so confused at this grammatical screw-up that she collapses to the floor. He grabs some more bracket openings and endings, and starts using them like cutlasses.)

"This is screwed up," Jack said, wrinkling his nose.

"Tell me about it," Barbossa yelled at the top of his voice. Jack blinked, banging his hand on his ear. Barbossa was hearing Evanescence; the most commonly used songfic band, for some reason. Maybe because of the high rate of angst in the fanfiction community... who knows?

"Jaaack!" About twelve sues turned and leapt onto Jack, pinning him to the floor. They tried to grab PoeticPoetry2's pen off of him, and he squirmed, before throwing it high in the air, towards Barbossa. Barbossa used it to draw an apple in the air, green and healthy, and it fell into his hands.

Will: What the hell, Barbossa?!

Tia: Will, it's a good thing, okay? A new ingredient to add to my concoction... his Item of Value!

Will: His item of value is his hat.

"No, that's me," Jack corrected him.

Davy: Isn't it his monkey?

James: No, I'd say it was his...

Tia: Just shut up, okay? I know what I'm doing.

Davy: Riiight...

Barbossa was oblivious to all of this, because he was off in his own little bubble of ecstasy as he bit into the juicy apple, his eyes wide and shining as the lovely, sharp juice ran down his throat, the taste filling him up with light, which bubbled around him in the form of white sparks, which Tia painstakingly collected together...

"Uh, people, a little help? While you're describing Barbossa's love of apples, I'm being attacked by the Suethor!" Jack said, waving his arms around, "And I _don't have the pen_!"

Tia: Jack, use canon to put her off!

"Hmm... well, alright," Jack said with a shrug, as the Suethor leapt towards him, swinging her pen straight towards him. Jack immediately began babbling, "Bugger savvy rum bugger savvy savvy rum compass bugger rum bugger savvy savvy buggerations savvy rum rum compass bugger savvy rum savvy..." As his words of canon-ness came out, so did sparks – the Suethor shrank back from them, hissing like a vampire.

"u moronz!1 u dnt stnad a chanse, i alredy sed!!!!111" She hissed at them.

James: (hitting her over the head with a bracket) Oh yeah?! Take that, bitch!

* * *

**NB:** Liz and Bootstrap have joined the gang! Hooray!

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 51 - Meanwhile**


	51. Chapter 51: Meanwhile

**Chapter 51: Meanwhile...**

"Sail, sail faster!" PoeticPoetry2 demanded, pointing forwards. The crew of the _Pearl_ generally grunted in reply, pulling on ropes, adjusting the sails, and generally sailing the ship in whatever direction PoeticPoetry2 ordered them in. She had taken up the position of captain... it was an odd thing; one minute they had two, the next, they were gone!

"Please turn left," The SatNav said suavely.

"Look, the Whiteness!" PoeticPoetry2 was angry, but also apprehensive... gate crashing someone else's fiction was really against etiquette... in fact, it was called _hacking_ for an author to go into another author's story! But she had to do it. As the front of the _Black Pearl_ hit the Whiteness, there was a lifting sensation; and immediately, everything around them vanished.

"Where're we goin' to?" Asked a bedraggled crewmember, "I mean... where's xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx?" It was rather hard to pronounce that word, what with all of the ups and downs and the x's at the end. Kkksssohshanroomanckelaohvahekksss...

"They're _silent x's_, actually," PoeticPoetry2, herby known as PP2, said, rolling her eyes as the ship bobbed through the white all around them, "Well, SatNav?"

"Keep heading in a west-easterly direction," The SatNav said.

"But..." Marty began.

"Do it!" PP2 snapped. A few crewmembers shrugged, and opened up a compass. The needle was spinning, around and around and around... at the same speed, continuously. They had no idea which way to go, so just made it up as they went along.

----------

"What?! But... but..." Clara looked down into the gutter. There was Beckett's small tracking disc, abandoned on the wet cobbles. How had he found out?! Damn, he was smarter then she thought! (Cough...) But that just made him all the more appealing to a demented Beckett fangirl like Clara. She nodded to herself. She'd have to hunt him down then.

Did you think I'd forgotten all about Beckett? No, of course not. He had a plan intent on his mind, but he decided he'd keep out of the Suethor fight, simply because he had no desire to aid Jack, or any companion or Jack. He pulled a flintlock pistol out of the lining of his jacket, smirking.

Jack would pay.

----------

"To teh 2 swans in!" Abby cried, from her position at the helm of the _HMS Sparrabeth I_. "I've just received news of a major canon breakout! The Mary Sues need backup! Also... Jack and Liz are there!" There was a ragged cheer.

"Let's go, then!" Daisy cried out.

"And this time, no letting them go!" Jenny said with a nod. She had a new pair of sunglasses on, though she was still mourning the loss of her other, massive, shocking pink Paris Hilton style ones to Beckett. Which, by the way, he was still wearing. Hmm, makes his paragraph seem a bit less threatening, huh?

They were turning the ship for Tortuga, when suddenly, there was a cry from the crows nest. A Sparrabether that was out of breath tumbled down the riggings, breathing heavily, and looking around at them all.

"The _Great Ship Willabeth_ has been spotted!" She panted. There were groans and hisses from the gathered Sparrabethers. They all turned towards their new captain, Abby, who thought for a minute, and then smirked.

"Ready the cannons!" She shouted, "We'll blast their vessel out of the water! And then head to Tortuga!"

----------

"There are the Sparrabethers, captain!" Jade, a Willabether, spun around to face Anne, the captain of the _Great Ship Willabeth_. "We have to stop them getting to Tortuga and ruining the True Canon Love once and for all! But how?"

"I don't know – we've tried reasoning with them, but they just wont listen," Anne sighed.

"C-captain! They're coming closer! Do you think they want contact?" Another Willabether called Dina turned to the other two. The _Great Ship Willabeth_ was an impressive sight; a huge old-fashioned vessels with velvety red sails, painted the same deep red, with swirls of white and pink dancing over the planks. It was lavishly decorated, with not a single thing left without the dark red theme they had going. Red for love.

"Okay, start sending this message by flag!" Captain Anne nodded at last, "Start: do they come in pe-" Before she could continue, the entire ship suddenly began rocking, sending the three girls sprawling across the navigation room. They all leapt to their feet, and the door slammed open – Joshua, a male Willabether, came hurrying in.

"They fired on us, captain!" He called out, "They're coming closer! Their cannons do not look friendly... and they have a bunch of JackxElizabeth Pairings in tow! What're we going to do?"

"Looks like we have no choice..." Captain Anne turned to face them all, grimly. "Prepare the ship for battle. We're going in."

"Yes, captain!" They all chorused.

* * *

**NB:** Haha, fifty chapters, jeez... don't worry, this story _does_ have an ending planned! The plot was all planned out. I just never realized that it would take so _long_... heheh. Well, this is a little break from the utter madness of the cellar. Hope you enjoyed... now the story's gone two-pronged again... yay!

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 52 - Canon-ness**


	52. Chapter 52: Canonness

**Chapter 52: Canon-ness **

Tia: Look, I need a few more ingredients! I need... this one's hard... _character development_... (as soon as she says this, James smashes the Suethor over the head with a bracket again, making her dash around behind some crates, hissing.)

"That's sort of character development, isn't it? Instead of being a nervous wreck like usual?" Jack asked.

James: (indignantly) I'm not a nervous wreck!

"Exactly," Jack said with a nod.

James: No... it's just that... (closes eyes) I'm over Elizabeth. (immediately, a few red sparks of ooc-ness come out of his mouth. He snaps his mouth shut, looking shocked.) Okay, maybe I'm not.

Tia: Oh, it'll do, (she grabs some white sparks that came out as he admitted still loving Elizabeth Swann.)

"Uh, what was happening?" Barbossa had now finished the apple. A Sue leapt in the air, trying to tackle him, and he threw the apple core at her face in a last-ditch attempt to get rid of her. startled, she lost her footing, and Barbossa tripped her to the ground, before stamping on her face. Well, _he_ never went to Charm School, did he?

Davy: This is too easy. (he is immediately overrun by Sues)

"This is so confusing!" Elizabeth sighed, "One minute it's past tense, but the bits in brackets are present tense, and the speech is just all over the place! This writing is horrible!"

"Yeah, mixing up script-writing and speech is just a bad idea," Bootstrap said with a shrug, "But this entire story's been screwed up so far, so..."

Tia: (interrupting) Hello? Help with the ingredients, please? Just start being all canon!

"How many times do I have to say 'bugger savvy compass hat beastie' in one sentence?!" Jack asked, bewildered, "_How_ can I get more canon? Apart from, of course... this is the day that you'll all remember as they day you nearly caught..." He trailed off. Everyone who wasn't fighting stared at him. "Interrupt me then!"

Davy: With pleasure, (he rugby tackles Jack) Do you fear that dark abyss? All your deeds laid bare?

Tia: I'm afraid you're going to have to add 'ah' to the end of everything you say like in those disgusting OOC fictions about you that are so annoying they make me want to rip all of my dreadlocks out... it's more canon.

Davy: Can't people just _imagine_ the 'ah's?!

James: Apparently not...

"I think it's 'uh', actually..." Bootstrap said, as he brought his plank in a downwards curve and swept about four Sues out of the way with the strike. He and James ended up fighting back-to-back.

James: OMG! You're the one that kicked me!

"Uh... Omuhguh?" Bootstrap asked, confused. James shook off his chatspeak-ness.

James: I meant... you killed me! Bastard!

Will: (angrily) You leave my father alone!

Davy: Yeah, _I_ was the one that was really responsible for your death... (Tia frowns at him) ...ah. Death-ah. I-ah was-ah the-ah one-ah that-ah...

Tia: Okay, okay, shut up. (a Sue stands on her tail, and she yowls, before turning to bite the Sue and dive between her legs.)

"I still think it's 'uh'..." Bootstrap muttered.

"Take that! An' that! Yahahaharrr!" Barbossa cried. They all turned to stare. He seemed to be throwing endless amounts of apples at the oncoming tide of Sues – more were swarming down the stairs every second. They blinked.

"waht the fuk?/??/" the Suethor asked, which pretty much summed up their thoughts.

"I'm just seizing the initiative," Barbossa shrugged, continuing to draw apples in the air with PP2's pen. Then he added, "Arr! Arrrgh!" For canon.

"Stop wasting the pen, Hector," Jack rolled his eyes and grabbed it off of Barbossa, who just shrugged and drew a cutlass, still battling it out with the Sues. Jack turned towards the messy and badly-described battle scene in front of him... it was terrible. The Suethor was against Will and James – Bootstrap was still back-to-back with James, fighting with a couple of Sues. Elizabeth was using a plank to knock down rows of the Sues, and Davy was using his crab claw to his advantage, bashing Sues into submission, if that made any sense. And now Barbossa entered the fray.

Tia: Jack! T'is is madness! But I only need a little bit more of canon-ness! How can I get it, t'ough? I'm speaking as Jamaican as I can, damnit!

"I don't know... what's really, really, _really_ canon?" Jack wondered aloud, kneeling down to stoke the Tia Dalmatian on the head. She tossed her head in annoyance, sending her floppy ears a-waggle.

Tia: I don't know... isn't it... I can't remember. What is the absolute trademark for Pirates of the Caribbean? The thing it's _known_ for? (pause as they both think)

James: lyk, duh! Swashbuckling!

"By Jove, he's got it!" Jack cried, snapping his fingers. Then he glared at James. "Try to come up with a better idea next time."

Tia: No, Jack... I think he's onto something! Swashbuckling... It's the heart and soul of an adventure escapade like Pirates of the Caribbean!

"But how do we Swashbuckle?" Jack asked, "In fact, hasn't this entire story been rather full of an attempt at Swashbuckling, making this story in fact, a Swashbuckler?"

"What, xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx?" Barbossa asked as he went past, duelling with a Mary Sue who was in a full leather jumpsuit and fighting with two swords.

"No, the parody," Jack said.

Tia: This is confusing. We're not meant to know we're in a parody.

"Oh, we're not? My mistake... apologies," Jack said.

* * *

**NB:** Hmm! Things are getting... well, confusing. But, by Jove, he's got it! They're onto something! But what? Well, you'll just have to wait and see, because the next chapter brings the story ever so closer to the end... (well, so does every chapter, really, but... you know. Plot development and all.)

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 53 - Swashbuckler!**


	53. Chapter 53: Swashbuckler!

**Chapter 53: Swashbuckler! **

Will: Swash, swash, buckle, buckle! (as he kicks a Sue into a wall)

"How do we make this more Swashbuckling?" Asked Elizabeth, looking around to the others behind her. As she did, a Sue dived on her, sending them both sprawling. Elizabeth deftly kicked the Sue in the face, and rolled out of the way as another Sue attacked, her sword landing on the stone floor next to her with a clang.

James: Hmm! If I had a beard, I'd stroke it...

Davy: (smirking) You can stroke mine.

James: ...!

Will: James didn't even say anything! How come he gets his name to show up?!

Tia: ...

Davy: ...

Will: ...

James: ...

"hahahaha wtf swashbucklnig wont saev u fulz!111!11" The Suethor jabbed her pen towards Will... it struck him, sending him flying backwards into a corner. She turned to James, who looked a little apprehensive now that he was fighting her alone. He blocked her strike with his sword, and the Suethor began writing something in the air.

"You just hit Will!" Elizabeth gasped, running forwards and aiming a kick at the Suethor – the Suethor stopped mid-word, as the pen flew upwards into the air.

Tia: (shouting) Elizabeth! Get the pen!

"James, get the pen!" Jack shouted.

"SUEEZ GET TEH PEN11" the Suethor shouted.

----------

The boom of cannons echoed around the sea dully, as did the cracks of timber splintering and the shouts of various crewmembers. The_ HMS_ _Sparrabeth I_ juddered as it was once again hit by a dark red cannon, which splintered through a few layers of walls and landed inside the hold, steaming. Crewmembers ran around, shouting orders to one another, firing cannons relentlessly.

"Send forward the Pairings!" Abby bawled, pointing skywards. Almost immediately, about ten of the giant red bats flew overhead, their shadows flickering over the deck of the ship.

"Fire!" the Willabether Jade cried, waving her arms. Twenty or so Willabethers leaned back, bows and arrows held steadily in their hands, and with several twangs heart-shaped arrows of love were shot towards the oncoming Pairings, with heart-shaped confetti falling in their wake. One Pairing was struck; and immediately turned into a WillxElizabeth pairing. With a docile smile, it landed on the deck of the _Great Ship Willabeth_, and then curled up to go to sleep.

Very... tame creatures, are Canon Pairings. They like to hug things.

"What're they doing?!" The Willabether captain, Anne, frowned, as the _HMS_ _Sparrabeth I_ turned and began heading towards – though she didn't know this yet – Tortuga, "They can't just leave mid-fight!"

"Apparently they can," Willabether Dina said politely. If there is anything bad to say about these Willabethers in general, it is that they're not too imaginative. But sticking to the canon pairing can do that to you... bad side-effects and all.

However, before the _HMS Sparrabeth I_ could get too far, a shadow fell across it. The entire crew looked upwards, aghast. From the sky, something was falling – it landed in the sea next to them with a whoosh and a boom, sending massive waves tumbling across the velvety surface of the water, and a spray over everyone standing on the deck of the _HMS Sparrabeth I_. They gaped at it.

It was the _Black Pearl_.

"Fire all!" PoeticPoetry2 shouted to her crew, pointing an unforgiving finger towards the two other vessels in the water before her, "I _must_ get my pen back!"

----------

The pen fell back down towards the cellar; Elizabeth fumbled it, and the Suethor grabbed it off of her, with a triumphant cry. Elizabeth felt defeated; she apologized loudly for failing, but the reaction wasn't one she was counting on.

Tia: (overjoyed) Excellent! Perfect! That was Swashbuckling! The boat-fight, the pen-grab, it's all coming together!

James: Yipee! But, uh, what now?

Tia: It's the final ingredient! That means...

"I think you'd better hurry, Tia," Elizabeth shouted worriedly over the din. Will was hit, Elizabeth and Bootstrap were fighting with bits of wood that were beginning to get very dented, and the second they exterminated a bunch of Sues, more would appear, as if out of nowhere! Davy was also getting tired – he'd so far been stabbed, shot, headbutted, karate-chopped and kicked all over, with the message not getting out that he _couldn't die_. Their stupidity was frustrating him.

Davy: Not another Secret-Agent Sue! (said Sue does a forwards roll and shoots two laser-guns at him, with no effect.)

"Someone get Tia's potion!" Barbossa shouted, his cutlass clashing with that of a Sue. He blinked at her. She looked just like Elizabeth. In fact, was he fighting Elizabeth herself? No, no, he couldn't have been...

James: Don't fall for it, Barbossa, it's another Elizabeth Sister!

"I wasn't falling for it," Barbossa said with a frown at James, cutting the Sue down thoughtlessly. James just rolled his eyes and continued using his trusty brackets. Barbossa nearly stepped on a small sack, and picked it up. Frowning, he opened it. Immediately, a jet of flame flew into his face, startling him, and making him throw it across the cellar.

"...A DISGRACE, I'M TELLING YOU! HOW DARE YOU CALL THIS PIECE OF TURD A STORY! IT'S MORE LIKE A BUNCH OF TYPOS AND MISSPELLINGS THREADED TOGETHER BY CONTINUOUS OOC AND CRAP HUMOUR! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU COULD SAY IN YOUR SUMMARY THAT YOU THINK IT'S GOOD, WHEN IT'S ABSOLUTE..."

Tia: Everyone! Help me with the potion! We have to chuck it over the Suethor!

"Tia! What be happening to the Suethor? Arrr!" Barbossa shouted, in the most piratey accent he could manage, for added Canonness™. They all turned to stare. The last flame seemed to have sent her into overdrive; her eyes bulged, her back was arched, and swear lined her brow. Suddenly, she gave a bellow of pure fury, and stood straight, her finger pointed at the canon characters that were ruining her story.

"YUO LOSRS WIL PAI 4 WAHT UV DUN!!!!111!1" She screamed, thousands of voices rebounding around the small cellar, making her cry seem to come from everywhere at once, her body heaved with barely suppressed rage.

Will: (whimpers) I think we pushed this one too far...

Tia: No time! We have to get the potion on her! Davy, Jack, help me carry the cauldron across! James, use your pen to stall her! Elizabeth, Bootstrap, Will, keep the sues away from the potion!

"Aye aye, Dalmation!" Jack cried, jumping forwards along with Davy to help with the cauldron. He and Davy grabbed one edge of the cauldron each, Davy's crab claw nearly bending with the weight, his tentacled hand wrapping around the side. Jack grunted as he heaved, his muscles screaming. Tia tried to help, but she couldn't do much – she pushed on it with her paws.

Davy: Why's it so damned heavy?!

"Canon is heavy..." Tia sighed. "Try your best, before we lose anyone!"

Elizabeth, Bootstrap and Will were having a hard time with the Mary Sues. They were everywhere! Overrunning the place like some horrendous infestation! They fought as hard as they could, and Will turned, and saw a small sack on the floor. Could it be...? He dived towards it.

And James turned towards the Suethor, shaking. Damn his higher class education, now he had to be the one wielding the pen! He stared on in horror as, slowly, the Suethor – still screaming with rage – began to grow, and grow, and grow; her body swelling. She had to bend her head, and it was still brushing the ceiling – and still she was growing.

James: It doesn't get more Swashbuckling then this... (raises PP2's pen)

* * *

**NB:** Uh oh! Trouble! Much Swashbuckling adventure... deary me. Also, take a visit to the Pirates of the Caribbean Hall of Fame forum on here! I am going to say this to everyone I ever meet again for the rest of my entire life - uh, well, probably not - but the lovely Jennifer Lynn Weston nominated this story for the Hall of Fame, and it got in!

Not bad for a load of barely coherent gibberish... I mean, a long and well-thought-out story that I've put a lot of hard work into... heh, heh...

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 54 - They Think It's All Over...**


	54. Chapter 54: They Think It's All Over

**Chapter 54: They Think It's All Over...**

Cannon blasts rocked all three of the ships as they open-fired on one another. Shouts and booms filled the air; absolute chaos ruled. The Willabethers wanted to stop the Sparrabthers from getting to Tortuga and aiding the Suethor. PP2 wanted her pen back, the crew of the _Black Pearl_ wanted PP2 off of their vessel. It was, all in all, a confusing war.

However, the ships were all heading closer and closer towards Torgua; slowly but surely. The Willabethers were getting distracted by the _Pearl_'s attempts at wreaking havoc on pretty much everyone, leaving the Sparrabethers to get further and further away.

"People on board the _Pearl_! We are the _Great Ship Willabeth_! Your friend! Why are you attacking us?" Willabether Dina shouted across the gap in between the two ships at the top of her lungs; one toothy pirate, who was incidentally called Mack 'Jughead' Greene, turned to her and shouted back.

"Orders is orders, you'll have to ask the captain," He said with a shrug. As their eyes met, heart confetti began falling from the sky, and love music played, and if there hadn't been a large expanse of water beneath them, they probably would have started running towards each other in slow motion. As it was, they stayed where they were, lost in each others' beautiful eyes.

But let's move on from that little interlude there, as it doesn't really matter.

----------

"Heave, ho! Heave, ho!" Jack shouted, as he continued struggling with the cauldron. Slowly but surely, it was moving..

Davy: What did you call me?!

Tia: Oh, for god's...

Things were escalating madly. Jack and Davy were having a hard time with the cauldron; which was pretty embarrassing, seeing as it was only about as big as a football. Or a soccer ball, I don't know, google translate should have English and American sections, don't you think? The round, white one with black dots, that ball.

Yeahhh.

Barbossa crossed swords with another Sue; her mismatched, violet and pale green eyes reflected light that wasn't even in the room. Her fighting skills were, of course, legendary in the place she was from; which was, predictably, Port Royale. Why were there so many Port-Royaleians around? Couldn't these writers even think of their own towns any more?

Will and Bootstrap, working together, made a somewhat formidable team. They were extremely good at it; at times, they seemed to read each others minds; though this was, of course, impossible. Their double act managed to fend off quite a few Sues. Elizabeth paused to watch them a minute, when she noticed something.

"Worms!" She screamed, and at her cry of alarm, Will leapt to the side, dragging his father along too. Falling from the ceiling – more writhing, tumbling worms, shining dully, and as they hit the floor, they began making for the canon characters.

Will: Damnit! (he fumbles his sack-o-flames) This should take care of them...

"Get them off of me, get them off! Arrgh!" Barbossa shouted. They weren't sure if the last bit was for piratey-ness, or if he was actually crying out. Whichever the reason, Will aimed his flamethrower-esque bag at him and open-fired, and burned a few Sues to ash along the way.

James and the Suethor fought madly, their pens clashing, and James wincing every time the Suethor brought the thing close to him. She was about three times his size now; she was bent double, her back against the ceiling, and her voice was deepened considerably. Barbossa blinked; she reminded him of when Calypso had grown and transformed into a massive woman, before turning into a pile of crabs.

"PREPAER 2 DYE JAMSE NORRY11!!1" She bawled, "I HAVE RNU OUT OF PASEINCE WIV U!!!!!11!" She swung her pen in the air, and wrote, 'cliché' in the air. Immediately, his vision became obscured with various words; curves in all the right places, glinting orbs, heaving bosom – and the three biggest clichés of all... _ocean... romance... LOVE..._

"Love is not a cliché!" Elizabeth interjected at this point.

"They're for short, Elizabeth," Bootstrap said, tilting his head, "Unrealistic Ocean, forced Romance, OOC Love, that sort of thing... you get the picture, right? This isn't talking about real oceans, romance and love. It's talking about... fanfiction oceans, romance and love..."

Will: Gee, that was bad.

James: Stop! (shakes off the clichés) Oh yeah? Well take this! (He uses PP2's pen to write 'concrit' in the air.)

Immediately, the words that had formed the cliché turned around; and like a flock of birds turning on their master, they flew back into her face; the words had rearranged themselves. _Also, I think that could you could do with some advice regarding your spelling. Perhaps use Word Document? It has this little spelling help thing, you see, and I think you might need to use it. Also, I don't see much character development happening; I'm finding it hard to connect with your OC..._

"SUHT UP STUPDI SMUG FLAMR!!!!!111" the Suethor howled, and flames shot out of her mouth as she yelled, "FOR GODS SAEK MY WRITIGN IS FIENN!!1!!!!1!" James decided to pull out the 'reproachful PM'.

_Okay, I was only trying to help, honestly – calm down woman! If you don't want my concrit, that's fine, I was just giving my honest opinion. I don't think you're going to get far in life if you can't accept it; truly..._

"GTHO!!1 FOAD!!111" the Suethor roared, making next to no sense, hissing. She brought her pen out, and began writing something, when suddenly...

Splash! It seems such an innocent word, splash. It reminds me of kiddies running around a paddling pool, perhaps with a water slide too, laughing and giggling on the lawn, jumping through the sprinkler in their knickers as their parents drink lemonade... well, you get the idea. But here, it was a major turning point.

"Take _that_!" Jack shouted, pointing towards the Suethor, who was now drenched in one hundred percent pure canon. She was hissing and writing, trying to get it off of her, reacting like a vampire to holy water.

Davy: Booyeah, we did it!

Tia: (with a small smile) Davy, never say 'booyeah' again.

The Suethor was shrinking now; down and down, and her transformations from one Sue to another was getting slower, and flickering occasionally, so that Sues would become mixed up in ugly combinations. All of the other Sues in the room fell to their knees, wailing, as their Suethor began to screech. It was deafening; all of our dear canon characters stared as the scene unfolded.

"NOOOOO111!1" the Suethor's voices faltered too, until there was only one; a rather reedy voice, and the switching from one big-busted, classily-dressed girl to another suddenly eased, and revealed the Suethor, in all of he glory. And the Suethor was...

...just an ordinary girl. She looked about fourteen, with small, square-rimmed glasses and large eyes. Her skin was pasty and pale, and there were a few spots on her hairline; her hair was a browny blonde, and her eyes hazel. Her fingernails were short and bitten to stubs. Desperately, she tried to write things in the air, calling up all of her resources; but it was no use. The canon was too strong...

"ull pay! ull al lpay11!" she shouted, darkly, before vanishing; leaving nothing but a thin puff of smoke, and a pen, which Jack snatched off of the floor. He laughed out loud, and did a little dance on the spot.

"Yes! Yes, yes, yes! xXoRLXx is ours!" He shouted. The Sues were all gone; and as were the worms. Everything was back to normal, and relieved smiles broke out on everyone's faces. They all felt like cheering. In fact, there was one coming right up. They all opened their mouths.

_They think it's all over_, Beckett thought, stepping out of the shadows. He aimed his revolver directly at Jack's head, and smiled grimly as he finished, _it is now..._

* * *

**NB:** Curse Beckett! Just when you thought the insanity was over! Oh well... thanks for the reviews. One of you mentioned a sequel...? I don't know about that. I find that sequels can pretty much do a story to death. There's also the fact that a parody of a sequel of a parody of a suefic sounds simply out of hand. It's coming closer to the end now, folks!

Also, here's a warning; the next chapter contains short jokes. Sorry, I don't mean to offend anyone. In fact, the next chapter will probably see to it that Tom Hollander personally comes and assassinates me in my sleep. It's just Jack Sparrow and his childishness...

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 55 - Short End of the Stick**


	55. Chapter 55: Short End of the Stick

**Chapter 55: Short End of the Stick**

"Uh? Ooh, sorry Beckett, nearly stepped on you there," Jack said with a small laugh, noticing Beckett in the corner, with a gun aimed right at his head. Jack was fearless now, though; he'd defeated the Suethor, he was invincible! He wanted to simply laugh and dance and drink a lot of rum, and Beckett did nothing to sour his mood. He didn't take him seriously at all.

"You killed me," Beckett snarled through gritted teeth, "For your own ends."

"It happens to all of us at some point, Becky," Jack said with a shrug, "It's happened to me. It's happened to Will. It's happened to Bootstrap, Barbossa, _and_ James Norrington." Barbossa, who was closest to him, smirked down at Beckett.

"How's the weather down there?" He asked. Beckett froze. Barbossa was a good head taller then him; perhaps even more. To be totally honest, _everyone_ was... And what he said set them off. Perhaps it was because they were all still soaring full of euphoria after defeating the Suethor; but everything just seemed so much brighter. The only ones looking serious were Tia and James, who were, as a rule, much more grown up. Beckett's expression went from shocked to furious.

"Aw, it was only a _little joke_, Cutler!" Jack said merrily, leaning towards him.

Will: Yeah, don't make such a _big deal_ out of it!

"I suppose it must be annoying, having to get your clothes from the petite range," Elizabeth said with a guilty giggle. Tia looked at them all disapprovingly, but now, even James was biting his lip to stop himself from laughing.

James: I expect he shops at Littlewoods, Elizabeth...

Tia: Oh, come on guys, this is childish! You're just being mean now! Anyway, Elizabeth, you're not exactly lanky, are you?

"Come on, Tia," Barbossa said merrily, "You have to admit that it's an _itty bitty_ bit funny..." There was a lot of laughter going on in the cellar now – everyone was in high spirits. Honestly, how childish! Beckett stood stock still, though two pink spots were appearing on his cheeks. His expression was thunderous, and his gun was being held tightly.

Will: It might be a little mean, how he always gets the short end of the stick...

Davy: Well, looks like it's _someone's _naptime. (looks pointedly at Beckett) Don't act so stick-up-arsey! Has Becky gone bobo?

Well, Davy was getting sweet revenge for all of the time that Beckett was using him. Will was getting revenge for using him as the middleman in their deal. Elizabeth was getting revenge for locking her up, and possibly killing her father. Jack was getting revenge for sinking the _Wicked Wench_, and branding his wrist. Barbossa was getting revenge in general, and Bootstrap just felt like it.

Suddenly, the door burst open.

"Beckett!" Came a loud, and bossy voice, "_This_ is where you've been!" Beckett's expression turned from pure fury to slightly shocked and even frightened for a minute, and then went back to anger. He spun around to face Clara, slowly.

"How did you find me?" He asked her.

"With great difficulty," Clara said. She was panting, and the bottoms of her jeans were dirty and slightly mucked up. Her hair was sticking up, as if she'd been running her hands through it, "How did you get rid of the tracking device?!" Beckett's complexion turned even darker.

"You put a _tracking device_ on me?!" He asked, fuming.

"Ooh, a lover's tiff," Elizabeth said, "Perhaps they should get couples counselling."

"We are _not_ a couple," Beckett hissed.

"What?! Beckett, I brought you back! You promised! You said that you lo-" Beckett brought Clara's pen out of his pocked, and drew some squiggles in the air. Once they were drawn, he pointed the pen towards Clara, and the fiery scribbles in the air immediately wrapped themselves around Clara, and the rafters, leaving the ropes tied up around her body; and her strung up from the ceiling.

"Shut up, Clara," Beckett hissed, and it was only Tia that noticed the slightest amount of madness that glinted in his eyes. Being stuck in Clara's terrible fanfiction had driven the man insane! Tia looked around at the others, who were watching with mild amusement. _This isn's safe_, she realized. She flopped her tail and sighed; what could she do, though? "I never loved you. I never even _liked_ you. I just spewed that complete and utter bollocks to try and get the hell away from you!"

"Oh..." Clara stared at him for a moment, and then said, "You're so hot when you're evil." Beckett, and half of the room's occupants, flinched.

Davy: That, ladies and gentlemen, is a Beckett fangirl. They are few and far between; a rare species. Most of them are inbred, as there is such a shortage of them.

"You're not exactly Mr Fangirlfulson, Jones!" Clara fumed.

Davy: Oh yeah? Did you _see_ the forum dedicated to me? (puffs out chest) I have a whole bunch of insane, deluded, and rather silly fangirls. There are far more DavyxOC pairings then BeckettxOC... so nyeh!

"Wait... wait a minute!" Bootstrap suddenly realized something, "The one that the Emoti-conman robbed... it was _you_! He took the tracking device!"

"Someone robbed _Beckett_?!" Jack cried, in mock outrage, "_How_ could anyone _stoop so low_?!" That was it. Everyone stared snickering at that point, even Clara, and even Tia, though she tried her best to resist it. Jack, Will and Davy were laughing the hardest, and they simply couldn't stop.

"Very funny, Jack," Beckett said, softly. He raised his gun, aimed briefly at Jack's head, and then fired, once. By the time the crack of the gun had finished echoing around the room, the laughter was dead silent.

* * *

**NB:** Uh oh. 'Little' jokes. Sorry if I offended anyone; it's not meant for offense. Well, obviously, these jokes are meant to offend - but Jack's just being a silly moo. Also - the countdown has begun! Only two more chapters left to go, folks! And then it's the end of the line... aahh, it's been a lovely and long ride, everyone. But anyway - time to wait anxiously on the edge of your seat for the next installment... hah.

And also, it's my birthday tomorrow! Hooray! I'll break out the figurative confetti, then. See you all in time for the next installment.

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 56 - Onoez, Character Death**


	56. Chapter 56: Ohnoez, Character Death

**Chapter 56: Ohnoez, Character Death**

"You killed Jack!" Elizabeth gasped, in the new silence. It was true; Jack was lying on the floor, dead, a gunshot wound going through his head, the pen still held loosely in his hands. They all looked up, and gawped at Beckett, as if seeing him for the first time.

Will: You bastard!

"He deserved it," Beckett said smoothly, "Now we are even."

"Yes, but Clara brought _you_ back," Bootstrap said reproachfully.

"Well, I expect some devoted fangiril will bring Jack back too, in some hideous selfinsert fanfiction, with a JackxOC in there somewhere and a lot of Sueness." Beckett waved his hand airily, "If he's lucky, he may be able to escape like I did."

Tia: And then he'll come looking for revenge on you! It's so childish! It's just... ugh... men!

Davy: As the only other man here, I resent that.

James and Will: Hey! (they look at each other) Oh my god, we're talking at the same time... this is so freaky... (they begin to panic) Argh! Help us, someone!

"Oh, for gods sake, you people are morons!" Beckett gave a small frown, "And you were all laughing at me, so I think I am going to shoot you _all_ now... one by one..." He smiled, and clicked his revolver around. (I don't know technical terms, heh...)

"That's really unfair," Bootstrap commented.

"I don't have any qualms about it," Clara said with a shrug.

"Why not? You're on my to-kill list as well, you know," Beckett smiled and turned towards her, "In fact, you are a rather high priority..."

Will: (firing the sack-o-flames at Beckett) Take that, you bastard!

"Quite," Beckett said, as the flames blew all around him, with no effect whatsoever. He adjusted a cuff as Will lowered the sack, confused. "I'm canon, you twerp."

Will: Oh yeah...

James had been quiet for a while now. He was looking down at PP2's pen in his hands with a small frown on his face. With a sigh, he looked up at Beckett, and down at the pen again; and then he looked at Davy too. Beckett raised his gun, pointing it at Barbossa, who raised an eyebrow. As Beckett made to pull the trigger, James whipped out the pen and wrote '_no more AU_' in the air.

Lots of things happened at once. The gun went off, flew over Barbossa's head, rebounded off of the ceiling and embedded itself into a crate right next to Elizabeth, making her scream and making the crate shatter. With a swirl and a poof of smoke, Tia Dalmatian turned back into Tia Dalma. Jack sat up, his hand on his chest, gasping for breath. Beckett staggered to the left slightly, fell onto his knees, and with a small gasp, and a look of pure evil at Jack, dropped dead.

So did Davy.

So did James.

----------

The three ships were all heading towards Tortuga at top speed now, still firing cannons at each other, interrupting many a romantic sunset scene and causing much damage. Pairings flew overhead, dive-bombing the ships that they detested, and gunshots, arrows and battle cries flew through the air like never before.

"Tortuga ahead!" Shouted a Willabether. Soon, they'd all ported messily at Tortuga, and they all grabbed their swords and leapt from their ships, fighting each other as they ran down the streets. Crashes and shouts filled the air. PP2 frowned slightly, and closed her eyes, thinking about where her pen was. She felt it writing something... it was close by! Soon she would have her pen back!

"This way!" She yelled to her crew, running down a side-alley. The crew followed, still fighting with Sparrabethers and Willabethers all the way; who were also fighting each other.

----------

"James! James is dead!" Elizabeth screamed, pointing at the body. Tia was looking with slight horror at Davy's dead body. Jack kicked Cutler Beckett's body in the side.

"Ha, take that, you selfish git!" He said, sticking his chin out.

Will: (sighing) He was quite nice earlier on, too...

"You can never trust people by first impressions, son," Bootstrap said knowingly. Clara, still suspended from her rope, was staring at Beckett's body with complete and utter dismay. She couldn't even say anything – for once.

Tia: Use the xXoRLXx pen, Jack... (more pushily as Jack doesn't respond) _Use the pen!_

"Jesus, alright woman, I'm onto it," Jack said, and quickly doodled, '_James alive_'. James sat up, looking slightly bleary, as if he'd been asleep, not dead.

"James! You're alright!" Elizabeth cried joyfully, clasping her hands.

Will: He was only dead for a couple of minutes...

"Well, that's that done then," Jack said with a smile. Tia glared at him, and Jack rolled his eyes, "_Fine_, I'll bring Davy back too. The things I do for a powerful sea-goddess who could use my intestines as a skipping rope if I didn't do as she said!" He scribbled '_Davy alive... unfortunately_' in the air, and Davy sat up too, glancing around.

"Oh James, you saved us all with your self-sacrifice!" Elizabeth gushed.

Davy: As I remember, he sacrificed _me_ as well...

"But nobody cares about you, Davy," Barbossa said with a shrug.

Tia: I do, Davy! (they romantically kiss)

"I love you, Will, don't get jealous!" Elizabeth laughed as Will pouted, and then they shared a romantic kiss too. Feeling a little left out, Jack turned towards Barbossa with his arms stretched wide open. Barbossa smartly side-stepped him.

And that, as they say, was that.

But it's not the end yet.

* * *

**NB:** Uh oh! The end is near! One more chapter left to go, everyone - and then it's over for ever! Onoezness! I had two different endings planned... and I decided on what I thought was the happier. Hooray! Also, it's my birthday, yeeha! So I can't stay long, just a quick update. Wait with bated breath, and -

Tune in next time for... **Chapter 57 - The Big Anticimax**


	57. Chapter 57: The Big Anticlimax

Chapter 57: The Big Anticlimax 

The crew of the _Black Pearl_, the _Great Ship Willabeth_ and the _HMS Sparrabeth I_ all tumbled into 'teh 3 swans in' at around the same time, still shouting, still sword fighting; a rabble of yelling, moving violence that made their way to the back of the bar, and down the steps to the basement, pushing each other out of the way in their haste.

"We've got to stop things going all un-canon!" Willabether Captain Anne cried.

"We've got to get Jack and Elizabeth together!" Sparrabether Captain Abby cried.

"We've got to get my _pen_!" Temporary Captain PoeticPoetry2 cried.

When they all got into the basement, they were sorely disappointed. There was nobody here; just Clara suspended from the ceiling, and a dead body in the corner. The body of Cutler Beckett. Confused, the fighting stopped immediately; the echoes dying down in seconds.

"Well, what are you waiting for?!" Clara demanded, "Get me down from here!"

----------

Will: So... I guess xXoRLXx is ours now! We have the pen, so we can do whatever we want with it!

"Oh, but do any of us have any good plot ideas?" Elizabeth mused.

"Well," Jack said, and everyone else groaned, but he continued regardless, "_I_ think that me and Anamaria should find a bucketful of treasure and end up living in a massive mansion just off of Tortuga, and we have this lavish wedding with no expenses spared, and then we go home where we have eleventeen kids and..."

Davy: We've heard this one, Jack. Endlessly.

Tia: I thought you always wanted to be at sea? And what's to say Anamaria would play ball anyway?

"I'm Captain Jack!" Jack said, proudly, "Of course Anamaria loves me! She can't resist me! And yeah, I'll still sail, and dear Ana can stay at home with the kiddies..."

"You sexist pig," Elizabeth said, but she was laughing.

Davy: Looks like we've got a bright future of whatever we want ahead of us, then. It's all good... for once.

"Well, not a bright future of whatever _we_ want. A bright future of whatever _I_ want," Jack said, waving the pen in Davy's face, "And as the keeper of the Pen, I think that you should get a sex-change and fall in love with Maccus, and have many beautiful babies. And when I say 'beautiful', what I really should say is 'fishy'..."

Davy: Sod off! (he steps forwards to try and grab the pen off of Jack)

"Jack, you can't _always_ keep the pen, that's not very fair, is it?" Barbossa said with a scary smile, drawing his cutlass. Davy pulled out his as well. Will, feeling left out, pulled out a sword. Elizabeth, following her love, pulled a sword out also.

"Hey, hey! Stop with the swords, all of you!" Jack said, pulling his own cutlass out.

Will: Can you at least get us out of script form?

"Eh... nah. I don't think there's much point. It'll be easier to beat you if you have limited movement," Jack said, waving his sword in Will's face.

Tia: All of you! Stop it! We have to work together, you arses! How else are we going to map out a future that makes us _all_ happy?!

"Easy. We're not. We're going to map out a future that makes _me_ happy," Jack said with a smirk. He turned to Barbossa. "Hmm, now what do I see in store for Barbossa? An angry old wife who you left on land who comes rushing in complaining about how rubbish at sex you are, methinks..."

"Give that pen here!" Barbossa growled, bringing his sword down on Jack's cutlass.

Will: Jack, I just want me and Elizabeth to be happy, with one son called William and a nice little cottage by the seaside, and...

"Are you kidding, Will?!" Elizabeth asked, "I was only pretending to be happy with that rubbish little island you left me on. I want a big manor like the place I used to live... oh, and Jack, please bring my daddy back..."

"Hmm..." Jack tapped his chin, "I think we can compromise. You can live in a cave that is decorated with portraits of your father stark naked – doesn't that sound nice? And your son can be born with dreadlocks and dark brown eyes..." He smirked, "And I reckon Will can have a little accident one day, and poor, lonely Elizabeth goes looking for company; that French Cheval fellow seemed quite – uh, _nice_... Or what about Jimmylegs?"

"Jack, come on," Bootstrap said, rolling his eyes.

"Jack!" Elizabeth whined.

Tia: All of you, do you mind...

Davy: Jack, stop being an ass! We've all worked for this together!

"Yeah, but I was the one that got the pen in the end, wasn't I?" Jack said with a smirk, "So if you want it... you'd better come get it!" And with that, he turned and ran off down the street. Barbossa took up chase immediately, waving his sword inches behind of Jack. Will dived after them, holding Elizabeth's hand, Bootstrap was close behind, and Davy came after too, crab-leg throwing sparks off of the cobblestones. Jack turned and clashed swords with Barbossa for a second, and then turned and had to fend of Davy too.

Tia: All of you! _Stop it_! (runs after them)

"We all worked together for this! What the hell, Jack?!" Bootstrap asked.

"Hmm... I sense much Marlene-ness in my upcoming masterpiece, Bootstrap," Jack smirked, "And maybe even a walking-in-on-Elizabeth-naked incident..."

"Ugh," Bootstrap wrinkled his nose.

"I think, though, in _my_ story, Tia's going to have bigger breasts," Jack said, "And my dear Lizzy can end up stranded outside wearing nothing but her undergarments... oh, oh! I have an idea! And we cant forget Will's eunuchy-ness, can we...?!"

"Jack!" Elizabeth squealed, but she couldn't stop a giggle.

"You're just being a prat now," Barbossa said, rolling his eyes, but a small smile came onto his face too. Tia ran into the scene, trying to get them all to stop fighting, but she suddenly found that they were all laughing. Laughing merrily, joyfully, happily. That was a prize in itself, happiness.

And that is where we leave our heroes. But it's _still_ not over yet... but nearly, folks. Nearly there now.

----------

When I said that all of the people down in the cellar were disappointed, one person wasn't. PoeticPoetry2. She felt a tapping on her shoulder, and spun around, though she felt upset. She found James there, smiling at her; he hadn't left the cellar yet.

James: (gently) I think this is yours...

"Ohmygod!" PP2 squealed, as he handed her the pen she had been looking for all of this time, "Oh, thank you James, thank you!" She looked up at him with a big smile, and then skipped off, probably going back to her own story. James smiled at her. He was going to give this story a happy ending, no matter what it took.

The Willabethers and Sparrabethers, having found nobody here to ship, had simply shrugged and decided to settle their differences over a drink and nipple piercings of friendship. He could hear them now, chattering above him in the pub. But he knew that before long, they'd all be arguing again – it was just the way Willabeth and Sparrabeth was. It only worked one way or the other.

There was one person left. He turned around, to face Clara, sitting by Beckett's body, looking strangely alone.

"I'll bring you back, Beckett," She was muttering, taking the pen from his lifeless hands, "You just wait and see..." James walked up to her and squatted down next to her, cocking his head.

James: It's too late for that, Clara.

"Why?" Clara demanded.

James: (smiling) Because it's...

**The end. **

"...Damnit!"

* * *

**NB:** That's it, everyone! The ride is over! It's the end of the xXoCeaNRoMaNCeLoVeXx line! Wont you all feel the pain of no longer having it in your life? Heh, jokes... still! It was fun while it lasted! As for a sequel, I'm still not sure about it - don't want to kill the story, folks. No, I think xXoRLXx is a one-off... for now. Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone to left their kind comments! Thank you for concrit and thank you for love!

Leave your final comments bidding adieu, and, of course, check out my other stories because plugplugplug etc. Only joking... let us all hope that the fandom wil be free of the Sues, typos and nonexistant plotlines once and for all! But somehow, I doubt it, fellow writers; but that's what makes it all the more amusing to write about them. Be sure to check out the Hall of Fame forum, they're all incredibly nice over there.

I'm not a big fan of overly long A/N's including canon characters popping up and talking nonsense, soooo... I suppose this is where I leave you! So long, farewell, and have good and productive lives! For it is now... the end!

squeeks x


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